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What A Girl’s Job Tells You

Oct 10th, 2007 by

Here are my opinions of the sexual and relationship compatibilities of girls with the following jobs:

ADDENDUM:
Some of the commenters mentioned I left interns and staffers off the list.  I count these girls as part of the hr/marketing/pr brigade except they are burdened with much bigger egos, self-righteousness, and workaholic issues.  They all secretly want to hook up with an older powerful man.  They disdain artist types.
SSR:  full erection (come on, they’re all under 23. rigidity guaranteed)
LTPR:  varies (are you a congressman? lock her in. if not, use her and lose her)

It was an oversight by me to leave off saleswomen.  See: Lawyer and HR/Marketing/PR.  Much depends on how well she does in sales.  Because sales is so inegalitarian in how the field dispenses its rewards, you have to make a distinction between weekend warriors and the true success stories.  Is she a dilettante real estate agent?  She’ll be grounded and feminine.  Consider a long term investment in her.  Did she turn $250K in commissions as a pharm sales rep?  She’s just as alpha and ballcutting masculine as the BIGLAW lawyer.  Just remember, if she can compete with the most aggressive MEN and still come out on top, her vagina is coated with radioactive juices.

Note on lawyers:  Just because she may work for a non-profit doesn’t make her a kinder, gentler woman.  In fact, some of the most cutthroat lawyers work at non-profits since those positions are in demand and in short supply.  Moralism and megalomania is never a good combination.

Lawyer

Amoral alpha males with vaginas.  Their yin is so deeply buried they spend all their free time (2 hours per week) fantasizing about a powerful dominant man releasing their inner woman.  This is your cue to ratchet up the assholery.  Outside of i-bankers and fashionistas, you will not meet a more materialistic or status-conscious chick than a lawyer.  When she inevitably starts talking about what law school she attended and politicos she knows, put your finger up to her mouth and say “shhh… stop.  from now on we will talk about happy things.  tell me only the good things that come to mind about your childhood.”  Most lawyer chicks have large clits which they use to pin you down on the bed.  Making love to a lawyer means facefucking her till she pukes a little.  The gods of karmic retribution will be pleased with this.  Lawyers are always fucking over everyone else so this is your chance to return the favor.  Proceed with great relish.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  4/5th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  don’t be a masochist

Human Resources/Marketing/Public Relations (99% of all women)

Since so many women work in these preposterous fields, it is hard to say anything definitive about them as romantic partners.  The only conclusions we can draw are that these women are people-persons (shocker!) and have ADD.  They could not sit still for a minute and reduce a fraction if their lives depended on it.  They are intuitive and fiercely catty, but also practical.  In fact, conventional wisdom to the contrary notwithstanding, women are more practical than men.  Let her believe you think her job is important and she will spread her legs for you unbidden.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  2/3rd erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  3/4 carat

Engineer (0.00001% of all women)

If there was ever an occupation created solely for the benefit of a man’s intellectual strengths, engineering is it.  So right off the bat you know that any female engineer will be weird.  Not necessarily assertively masculine like the female lawyer, but not typically feminine either.  Female engineers are the Holy Grail of male nerddom.  Every nerdo anime fanboy with Dungeon Master on his resume dreams of meeting and falling in love with a cute nerdgirl WHO IS EXACTLY LIKE HIM so that his autistic social retardation doesn’t get pushed to the breaking point like it would with a normal girl.
Minus: fornication mysteriously happens in between lengthy dissertations on string theory.
Plus: she can assume sex positions within a millimeter of spec.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  1/4th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  5 carats

Elementary School Teacher

Pure gold.  Put this girl on your short list for long term commitment.  What’s not to love about the elementary school teacher?  Cute, thin (it’s a workout chasing kids all day), ultra feminine, nurturing, selfless, caring, and most importantly blessedly low maintenance due to the nature of her workplace environment sequestering her from the attentions of men.  The best ones teach 1st through 5th grades.  Women who supervise daycare are too toddler-focused and will love the kids more than you.  You will soon tire of her coo-ing at every baby you both pass by.  High school teachers are too stressed out from their job to properly service your manly needs at home.  Don’t bother with college professors unless you think foreplay is listening to an earful of pomo feminist shrillness.
Bonus:  teachers don’t make much money so your financial status will always be higher, guaranteeing a long and healthy relationship.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  3/4th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  hope diamond (she’s not gonna have much opportunity to cheat at work)

Nurse

See:  elementary school teacher.  One caveat — the nurse is secretly a status whore.  Patients lean on her all day for comfort and assistance so when she gets home she wants nothing more for herself than a high status alpha male to lean on.  That is why you will often see nurses pairing up with military officers, stockbrokers, and executives.  The superfeminine gravitates to the supermasculine.  Surprisingly, nurses and doctors rarely date — perhaps they look for a partner in whom they can escape the human suffering they deal with on the clock, and not be reminded of it at home.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  1/3rd erection (full erection if she wears the nurse outfit)
Long Term Potential Rating:  cubic zirconia (it’s fun to fool status whores)

Scientist

Hidden gem.  The female scientist is reserved, taciturn, introspective, shy, and when they put some effort into how they look, cute — all wonderful traits for a woman to possess.  They ambitiously pursue abstract ideas, not material goals or oneupsmanship, so status competition with them will be minimal.  They are smart in the way people like their smarties — inwardly directed as opposed to outwardly manipulative.  This is a result of their smarts being spread out over both brain hemispheres rather than concentrated in just the right like most women.  The scientist’s natural creativity and systematizing impulse will express itself with magnificent attention to detail in the bedroom.  You will never get a better… or more meticulous… blowjob.
Minus:  she is ultimately rational and will give you exactly six months to propose.  No stringing along this chick.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  serviceable chubby
Long Term Potential Rating:  3 carats  (frumpy clothes and dorky competition encourage fidelity)

Stripper

Have you ever seen an unhappy man dating a stripper?  The novelty, bragging rights, and earthshattering sex are worth the drama.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  titanium rod
Long Term Potential Rating:  hide your valuables

Journalist

Don’t ask me why but for some reason these girls have absolutely no personal ethical code whatsoever.  Which may be why the journalism profession is in such disarray today and trusted by no one.  The she-journo will fuck around remorselessly with a dashing embed while her fiancee waits loyally at home for her return.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  3/4th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  1/24 carat

Artist

Every man should experience at least once in his life the joy of dating an artist chick.  Painters, photographers, singers, freelance fiction writers, actresses… their exuberant lovemaking will spoil you for all other women.  Their beautiful romantic gestures will capture your heart.  Their craving for intimacy and their wellspring of empathy will draw you in.  And then right at the moment you fall deepest for her you will catch her one night frenching a half-shaven DJ at a seedy club.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  titanium rod minus refractory period
Long Term Potential Rating:  cracker jack box ring

CEO

Are you fucking kidding me?
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  flaccid
Long Term Potential Rating:  why bother?

Waitress

That’s more like it.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  7/8th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  1/2 carat

Blogger

If she writes a confessional online diary, expect her to be passive-aggressive, petty, moody, cruel, untrustworthy, vengeful, and highly libidinous.  Make a sex tape as soon as it is feasible so you can use it as blackmail in the event of post-breakup threats to out your dirty laundry on her blog.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  N/A
Long Term Potential Rating:  N/A

I hope it hasn’t escaped anyone’s notice that sexual satisfaction and long term potential are inversely related.

[crypto-donation-box]

Posted in Culture, Girls, Relationships, Rules of Manhood | Comments Off

Justice

Oct 9th, 2007 by

An alert reader e-mailed me the following news report:

A BRAZILIAN woman has been ordered by the country’s Supreme Court to pay a hefty fine to her husband for failing to mention that he was not the father of two of their children.

The Rio de Janeiro woman, whose identity was not disclosed, was ordered to pay her husband over $US100,000 ($120,170) for having hidden from him for almost two decades that the children in question were fathered by a lover, the court’s offices said yesterday.

The husband also had sought damages from his wife’s lover, the court said.

I am pleased with this decision.  Although twenty years of indentured servitude raising bastard children under a fog of lies should command a much larger fine than $120K, at least this is a step in the right direction toward legal reform.  Cuckoldry is the most underrated crime infesting our supposed advanced Western cultures and only massive, crippling monetary restitution along with jail time and public shaming for the guilty will change behaviors.  Yes, it’s time to bring back the scarlet letter.  The deceitful whore who gets impregnated by a man other than her husband and then schemes to dupe him into unwanted fatherhood should have her tramp stamp replaced with a florid, Olde English crimson ‘A’.  This will practically ensure a lifetime of getting pumped and dumped with no chance for marital relief.

Such a punishment will send a strong message to all fertile-age women:  don’t marry a beta you will likely cheat on.

I dream of the day when the Lifetime channel airs a cloying tearjerker about a saintly guy who is crushed to discover his three beloved children belong to his wife’s art class instructor.  Many close-up shots of his watery eyes and trembling lips will emphasize for effect the made-for-TV message that all women are morally depraved.

[crypto-donation-box]

Posted in Beta, Culture, Globalization | Comments Off

I Have Stolen Many Prime Years of Girls’ Lives

Oct 8th, 2007 by

That’s what my mother told me over the phone yesterday in so many words.

Mom:  Why aren’t you settled down yet?
Me:  Just lucky, I guess?
Mom:  Don’t be a wiseguy.  You’re dating these young girls during their prime years and not marrying them.  Poor things.
Me:  I can’t believe my own mother isn’t on my side.
Mom:  You’re stealing the best years of their lives!  Don’t you feel guilty?
Me:  I dunno.  Did you feel guilty when you didn’t put out for a guy you were dating?
Mom:  Grow up!

Afterwards, I did ponder the wreckage of lives I have left behind in my copulatory wake.  Technically, I should feel some guilt.  If we define the prime marrying years of a woman to be between 21 and 26 — too young and she’ll be emotionally ill-equipped to perform her wifely duties of indulging my every need; too old and I’ll be emotionally ill-equipped to accept her indulgence — then I have squeezed the juice out of the ripest years of quite a few girls.  For free.  The next beta in line will be stuck marrying the rind.

I take a philosophical view of my biological thievery.  While I have reneged on my end of the deal, many women renege on theirs when they string a man along in LJBF perpetuity.  What guy with bloated testes hasn’t heard this from a girl he really liked:  “you’re my friend. i just don’t see you in that way.”

Therefore, my actions are helping to bring balance to the force.  On the cosmic scales of justice the cads and the cockteases are locked in battle supreme for everlasting victory.  I unsheath my sword with strength of purpose.

On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being tongue lightly grazing the cheek and 5 being tongue firmly pressed to side of mouth, this post was 2 tongue in cheeks.

[crypto-donation-box]

Posted in Relationships, Self-aggrandizement, The Pleasure Principle, Ugly Truths | Comments Off

Paying for Dates

Oct 5th, 2007 by

I’m surprised guys still struggle with the question of who pays on dates.  It seems to be a perennial issue that never gets satisfactorily resolved.  There’s a simple solution that skirts the problem entirely — don’t take her on traditional dates that cost more than a few bucks.

This isn’t so much about saving money as it is about avoiding the impression that you are buying her approval.  Although all girls say they like it when a guy pays for them on dates (some even demand it on principle), the reality is that she will subconsciously slightly downgrade your status if you are quick to spend on her.  The amount you are downgraded is directly proportional to the amount and eagerness with which you pay for her company.  A fancy dinner followed by dessert and cocktails that costs you $100 will get you no further with a girl than if you had bought her a single beer.  In fact, it may even hurt your chances.

Leave the dinners and special nights out for girls you are already banging.

My favorite types of dates are ones where she accompanies me on a shopping excursion in boutique shops around the city.  Consignment shops are great for showing my fun side where we dress up in retro clothes and role play.  Cost of this date = zero dollars.  My standard date 1 and date 2 routine is a chill lounge or dive bar on a weeknight.  Drinks for both of us will run me $30 tops.  Usually it is less because she will buy a round or two.

There is only one thing worse than coming across as a guy who must buy girls’ affections, and that is looking like a cheap fuck.  Don’t make a big production out of deciding who pays for drinks.  Buy the first round, but frame it in a way that elevates your status.  A foolproof way to do this is to ask her what she’s having, and as you’re getting up to go to the bar to order, say with a grin

“I’ll get this round, and you can get the next hundred rounds.  Top shelf liquor only, please.  I have standards.”

A few words can send a lot of subtle messages.  Saying the above demonstrates that you don’t really care who is paying, but you’ll have some fun with the situation anyhow.  It also shows you are not buying her drinks to appease her and won’t be the type of guy who gets used like a walking ATM, yet still pays homage to human nature and the deep desire of women to see resource displays in the men they are considering for sex.

When you have lightened the mood like this she will enthusiastically buy the next round.  Congratulate yourself.  Getting a girl to buy you something, even a small thing like a drink, creates the feeling in her that she has invested in you, and therefore she will assume you must be worthy of her investment.  When she buys you a summer home in Tuscany she will have no choice but to fall in love with you.

[crypto-donation-box]

Posted in Dating, Rules of Manhood | Comments Off

Prettiness = Sense of Entitlement

Oct 4th, 2007 by

There are many factors that contribute to a woman believing the world should fall in her lap (for example, being an American), but none are as important as how she perceives her looks compared to other women.  I’ve found that the prettier a girl is, the more she feels entitled to special treatment and unearned rewards.

I remember this conversation I had with a woman I had been sexing for a couple months.  She was a solid 8 and turned many heads, and more pertinently, she knew it.  I glibly brought up the subject of men paying for women on dates; she took my half-serious bait and offered her deep thoughts on the matter.

Her:  I would never date a guy who didn’t pay for me on the first few dates.
Me:  Is that a hard and fast rule?
Her:  I’m not saying he has to spend a lot on dinners or whatever, but he does need to pay for me.
Me:  Why?
Her:  Because that’s what guys do for girls they are interested in.
Me:  And what do girls do for guys they are interested in?
Her:  Give them sex!
Me:  But guys give girls they like sex, too.  Shouldn’t that be enough compensation?  It’s even steven!
Her:  That’s different.  We can get that from anywhere.
Me:  So guys have to bring twice as much to the table as girls — their sex and their money.  Sounds like a fair trade-off.
Her:  Every guy I’ve ever dated paid for me.  Why should I expect less now?

She had a point.  Why stop the gravy train?  After all, I paid for her, although I take some pride in the knowledge that I most likely invested much less monetarily in her than her previous suitors to get the same piece of ass.  It’s like finding an awesome pair of shoes at DSW for 70% discount when everyone else is paying full price — you feel like you got one over on the plebe consumers.

Clearly, pretty girls feel entitled to a man’s money in exchange for the pleasure of her company, where in this case “company” is defined to mean her ability to sit still on a bar stool or a dining chair for the date minimum of 15 minutes and hear the guy’s pitch.

Why do they have this sense of entitlement?
Because they can afford to.  Behaviors change only when there is incentive to change or disincentive to maintaining the status quo.  As far as I can tell, most guys have not abandoned the man pays paradigm, so the beat goes on and will continue to go on unless human nature changes.

Which brings us to today’s handy chart.  Here I will illustrate how a woman’s sense of entitlement varies with respect to her attractiveness.

Woman’s Hotness                    Her Sense of Entitlement
0                                    Must pay for sex with any non-homeless man;
                                      feels entitled to walk away alive from any sexual
                                      encounter.
1                                    Expects man not to call her a “dirty filthy whore”;
                                     “cuntface” is OK, though.  Doesn’t consider knifings
                                     part of foreplay.
2                                   Expects man not to shout out another woman’s
                                     name during sex or to forget her name less than
                                     10 seconds after she told him it.
3                                   Expects man to open eyes at least once during sex;
                                     also expects no less than 1.5 seconds of post-coital
                                     cuddling not necessarily face-to-face.
4                                   Thinks man should at least pay for his own drinks;
                                     she will make a polite but disingenuous move to pull
                                     money out of her purse first when the bill comes.
                                     He’ll call her bluff.
5                                  Thinks man should split the check with her, but she
                                    winds up footing the bill while he covers the tip;
                                    feels entitled to one date before getting harangued
                                    for sex.
6                                  Expects to be wined and dined at a 2 star establishment;
                                    Wants a man to hold out for two dates before prodding
                                    her vulva with inanimate objects.
7                                Expects to be treated to drinks, dinner, and a non-matinee
                                    movie;  wants the man to spend twice as much on her as
                                    she spends on him; will judge him based on which sushi
                                    restaurant he takes her to; expects him to deal with at
                                    least one of her flake fits; will not put out until he has
                                    paid for a minimum of 3 dates.
8                               Feels entitled to spend absolutely nothing on dates;
                                   becomes highly offended if man even suggests splitting
                                   bill; will regularly show up late to dates as if it is her
                                   prerogative; 4 star establishments only – accepts no
                                   substitutes; will not be picked up in a toyota camry or
                                  honda accord; expects man to perform at least
                                   three chivalrous acts; won’t put out until date six; will
                                  flake twice and expect the man to take it.
9                               Feels entitled to forget man’s name; won’t even say
                                  ‘thank you’ when man pays the bill; looks in the
                                 mirror more than she looks at her date; expects his
                                 watch to cost as much as her emu-skin purse; talks
                                 about herself incessantly except when she asks the
                                 guy about his credit limit/job title/stock portfolio;
                                 won’t accept less than $200 being spent on her on
                                 any date pre-sex; will walk out on date if man’s
                                 shoes don’t comply with fashion industry standards
                                 of the week.
10                             Will not settle for less than a first date aboard his
                                 private yacht – 50 foot+ class only; expects payment in
                                  the form of pink diamonds before putting out; feels
                                 entitled to do absolutely nothing in bed.
10+American            The federal government was invented to placate her.

Of course, what a woman expects from a man she’s dating and what actually turns her on to want to fuck the guy are two different things.  If you are an alpha male and have lived a day in your life, you know the best way to please a woman who is hard to please is… to not try hard to please her.

‘Opposite George’ comes to mind here.

[crypto-donation-box]

Posted in Girls, Inner Beauty, Self-aggrandizement, The Id Monster, Vanity | Comments Off

The Lawyer Vs the Nanny

Oct 3rd, 2007 by

Here is a comparison of two girls I briefly dated.

Girl A

  • occasionally tossed out five dollar words like “antinomian”
  • never spoke about her job in detail or hinted that she liked it
  • talked more than once about the school she attended and about her father’s accomplishments
  • i paid for her drinks
  • noticed my brand of watch
  • smiled a lot
  • had artsy photographs hanging on her walls
  • on the way to my bedroom the first time she saw a pile of my dirty clothes on the floor and made a face
  • skipped foreplay, went straight to gatling gun-style jackhammer sex
  • assumed the doggy position unprompted

Girl B

  • liked to kiss more than talk
  • bought me drinks
  • made me dinner with a table setting of wine candles and flowers
  • never mentioned her father
  • was bilingual
  • took pictures with her digital camera and emailed them to me
  • on the way to my bedroom the first time she giggled as I carried her
  • much foreplay followed by lovemaking in front of a wall-length mirror where we watched ourselves
  • was married and hid it from me
  • said she loved me

Guess which girl was the six figure corporate lawyer and which was the nanny studying psychology part time at grad school.

I think it’s interesting how much of a girl’s personality and femininity I can predict based on her career.

ANSWER:
A – lawyer.

Lawyers are way too calculating to say they love you after only a short while dating.

[crypto-donation-box]

Posted in Dating, Girls, Inner Beauty, Psy Ops | Comments Off

I Was an Attractive Woman for an Hour

Oct 2nd, 2007 by

I was standing around with Zeets at one of my favorite clubs when I was approached by a girl who immediately chatted me up.  I thought, here was an opportunity that doesn’t fall in my lap every day.

Unfortunately, the girl who opened me was fat and pig-faced.  And slightly inebriated.  Considering her beastliness, I was intrigued in a sort of scientifically curious way by her assertive demeanor and sky high self-confidence, so I didn’t blow her off right away.  A minute later her friends had joined us.  Zeets had engaged one of the friends in conversation and judging by his positive interest in her it looked like he would need my wingman duties to prevent grumpy cockblocking by the fat one.  This was my night to fall on the ammo dump.

Guys will understand what I’m about to describe.  It’s funny what happens when you are the object of an ugly woman’s affection.  You get uncomfortable at first, then annoyed that this girl presumes to think she is in your league, and finally cruel, just to be rid of her.  Now try keeping an ugly girl entertained for an hour.  It will test your patience to the limits and expose you to the risk of her thinking she has a chance with you.

So for an hour I experienced what it must feel like to be a hot girl getting hit on by a persistent beta with zero game.  And I reacted in exactly the same way a hot girl would react to a loser hitting on her.  Or like a young guy might respond to a cougar stroking his chest.

First came the questions.  She wanted to know so much about me.  I felt like I was being interrogated, so I evaded and gave her smart-alecky answers.

So what to you do?
I kick cats for fun and profit. 

She seemed to enjoy that.  The cockier I got the more she pressed.  Bad move on my part.  I switched gears and started giving her vanilla one word answers.  This seemed to work and she changed the subject to music hoping to gain more traction.

I really love the band Pussy Surrenders to Red Army.  Ever heard of them?
Yeah, they’re OK.
OMG, did you see their show last week?
Uh, you know, I listen to Celine Dion exclusively now.

Despite my strenuous effort to avoid reciprocating the rapport she so desperately tried to manufacture with me, she soldiered on.  As we were talking she was facing me directly while my body was at a 90 degree angle to hers.  I looked around at the rest of the room in between glances back at her to sustain a conversation I normally wouldn’t have.  I was literally giving her the cold shoulder.  When the mind is not racing with lust it’s easy to be keenly aware of your body language.

Next came the unsolicited compliments.  My negative body language was apparently not enough to cool her jets.  It only invited her to redouble her efforts.

You have great hair. I love your hair!
Uh, thanks.
It’s so soft.  [out of the corner of my eye I saw her hand reach up to touch my hair.  I instinctively jerked my head backwards.]
I don’t wash it.  Natural grease keeps it soft.
You’re the cutest guy in here.  No, seriously!  [my annoyance was rising.]
No, I think that guy is cuter over there.  And he’s checking you out.  You should talk to him.

Finally, the stream of unwanted flattery was over.  Only to be replaced by her touching me.  Lots of touching.
The forearm at first.
Then the hands.
The chest.
She tried to stick her hand in my jeans back pocket.
ew, ew, ew.
Out of the blue she reached up and caressed my cheek.
ew infinity.
She leaned in aggressively.  I leaned away from her.  Lean in, lean away.  I’d fall over soon at this rate.  I tensed up and closed off my body.  She stepped in closer.  I stepped away.  Step in, step away.  We were moving across the room like a dance of repelling magnets.  I actively and conspicuously checked out other girls in front of her as she talked.

She moved in to whisper something in my ear.  I jumped sideways.  We were now talking to each other from six feet apart.  This was a tolerable amount of personal space for me.

I prayed Zeets would number close soon.  I kept trying to get his attention and pass a non-verbal cue to hurry this up but he was in deep rapport with his target.  The Krakon shambled up and put her arm around my waist.  Sweet Lincoln’s mullet, get a couple of drinks in a girl and mix with a dusty vagina that hasn’t seen cock in years and it’s like standing in front of a Chinese tank — you’ll eventually get steamrolled.

Hey, you know, you should really go talk to your friends.  It’s kinda rude to ignore them like this.

I lifted her arm off me and walked away through the crowd to sit on a couch on the other side of the room.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  Zeets was on his own.  I did my part.  If she went back to her friends and messed up his game, I washed my hands of any responsibility.

My freedom wouldn’t last.  No sooner had I caught the eye of an attractive girl and prepared to make a move on her, my tormentor returned and plopped down on the couch next to me.  She scooted nearer and rested her hand on my leg.  I pushed it off.  She stared at me blankly.  Then, release.  The message got through.  She stood up and walked back to her friends, not dejected, but more like a proud but mortally wounded warrior who was forced to surrender.

Everything I said to her, and every way my body responded to her, I’ve seen hot girls do to guys they weren’t remotely interested in.  For an hour, I was that hot girl.

Minimized eye contact and looked down at my drink a lot?  Yes.
Answered questions tersely?  Yes.
No body language mirroring?  Yes.
Repositioned myself to avoid incidental physical contact?  Yes.
Got skeeved out when physical contact ocurred?  Yes.
Got progressively nastier with my comments?  Yes.
Scanned room for a savior to rescue me?  Yes.

The next step on my path to enlightenment would be to bottle the attitude I have with unattractive girls and invoke it when I’m in the company of a woman who really turns me on.  This would elevate me to the stage of playerdom where I exert very little effort to have girls working hard to win me over.

All this unpleasantness would be unnecessary if fat and ugly chicks just followed my simple words of advice:

Know your place.

It’ll make life easier for you and for everyone around you.

[crypto-donation-box]

Posted in Escape, Girls, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Vanity | Comments Off

YouTube Cheap Shot Sunday

Sep 30th, 2007 by

Enjoying a Sunday morning cup of coffee and reading the hilarious insults from YouTube commenters has become a treasured personal growth and productivity time sink for me.  The key to savoring truly inspired mockeries is to choose a popular video featuring an easy target.  This combination brings out the best in people.

This video by a guy riffing on the equally strange YouTube video below elicited a few choice zingers:

Is this a man or a woman? OH MY GOD THEY HAVE CROSSED HUMANS WITH FROG DNA! Jabba the Hut’s kid? Woahhhh someone slay this creature and see how much exp points you get and check for possible loots. Who is responsible for going shaolin stick fighting style on this thing’s face with branches of the ugly tree?

Go die in a fucking fire.

It looks like you ate chocolate rain, you fat ass.

dude give up ur fat, ur ugly, u got no rythym, ur fat, ur ugly, and ur fat too!!!!!!

u look like a fat fish.

Here’s the oddly compelling original video with 10 million views that spawned hundreds of spoof tributes:

When he leans away from the mic I like to pretend he’s giving me kisses!  [not really an insult but still funny]

Not bad for a 7-year old…

You look like you’re getting butt-fucked.
I like watching this with the sound off and laughing at you.

This is the end of the Internet.

ahh…. the sweet relief of nausea. This guy is a human stomach pump.

TIME OUT!!!….Is this song about diarrhea??

LOL his face is glossed with jizz

The singer in the video, Tay Zonday, tried valiantly to answer his critics but gave up after the 9,000th comment or so:

5iveX:  Ughh ur ugly and stupid.  Your voice sucks..you phail at life.

TayZonday:  Hi 5iveX! Why do you say that I’m ugly and stupid? What are you trying to communicate? Give more detail about what you dislike.

YouTube — comedy gold.

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Leftie Girls Are Easy

Sep 28th, 2007 by

This article about looking for love at an Obama political rally made me laugh.

 “You are likely to have similar political views, and those often cross into other things that aren’t politically affiliated,” says Colleen Kluttz, a 29-year-old TV producer who’s hitting the event tonight if work allows.

I suppose it makes intuitive sense to a politics-drenched activist like Colleen that your views on the estate tax or troop withdrawal would define who you are as a person in all areas of life, but in my experience a girl’s political opinions have zero correlation to how well we’ll get along as a lovemaking couple.  About the only time it matters is when… we’re discussing politics.

The one exception is her view on abortion, which is more religious in nature than political.  I would never bareback it with a pro-life chick.

“It [politics] will give you something to talk about. It gives you a reason to have conversations that aren’t just about yourself.”

Let me tell you, if you are discussing politics with your date, no matter how sympatico you both are, you won’t be getting laid.  The tedious, dreary world of politics engages her logical mind when you want to do exactly the opposite.  If she’s the type that can’t take a breather from braying about this or that political pet cause then she has control issues you want to avoid.

And no two people are 100% in agreement on every issue.  You spend an hour talking politics and there is bound to come up a disagreement over some by-line in the appropriations bill that kills the sexytime mood.

But what kind of guy are you going to find at an Obama rally?

“A socially conscious liberal – probably a well-dressed, well-groomed hipster,” Kluttz says.

If you want to bang this girl, your dedication to world peace won’t be enough.  You had better dress well, too.

Lindsay Schaeffer, 25, may even skip the rally for the nighttime bash.

“Look, you never meet good guys in a bar,” she reasons. “Something like this naturally weeds out the losers for you. You aren’t going to get some pickup artist at a political after-party.”

Keep telling yourself that, Lindsay.  Heh heh heh.

Every guy in the world is looking for the pickup.  Some are just more artistic in the execution than others.

One ardent Obama supporter (who declined to give his name because he works in politics) says he’ll attend both the rally and the after-party, and he doesn’t expect to be going home alone.

He’s confident for a reason.

“Let’s face it: Leftie girls are easy,” he says.

This is the conventional wisdom about leftwing girls.  When I was in college I joined both the College Democrats and the College Republicans to meet girls.  I altered or concealed my views as needed when it was personally advantageous and helped toward my goal of hooking up.  My friends and I agreed at the time with the commonly-held assumption that the Dem girls were good to go, while the Repub girls were prettier and more “well-kept”.

I learned that the conventional wisdom is onto something, but for the wrong reasons.  A lot of the leftie girls came from broken families.  Dads who vamoose make girls who are loose.  The rightie girls held out longer but when the floodgates finally opened their sexual appetites poured forth just as voraciously as their sluttier leftie sisters, if not moreso.

As for who was prettier, if I subtracted the butch lesbians from the Dem ranks and the fashion queens from the Repub ranks, I didn’t notice much daylight between the two groups of girls.  Of course, this was college, a time of life when most girls look bangable as long as they stay slim.  I think as women age the Republicans tend to stay hotter longer because of their no-nonsense fastidiousness about catering to men’s desires.

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Defining the Alpha Female

Sep 27th, 2007 by

In a previous post I discussed a workable definition of identifying alpha males that most non-delusional people would have no problem agreeing with.  Here I will set out what defines the alpha female.  In some ways, the alpha female is a mirror image of her male counterpart.  Where quantity counts heavily toward a man’s rank, quality does so for women.  Where notches boost a man’s score, commitment boosts a woman’s score.

The amount of variables that go into determining a woman’s sexual market value is considerably smaller than it is for men, thus making the determination of the alpha female quite a bit easier.  The reason for this has to do with the inherently imprecise and heterogeneous nature of male power versus the comparatively objective nature of female power.  A boring rich man, a starving artist, and a charismatic rapscallion can all do well with women, so individual measures such as wealth, creativity, and dominance, on their own, fall short as inclusive definitions of alpha male status.  We have had to use indirect evidence of a man’s alphaness — his success with women — to come up with a male ranking system that allows for very few exceptions to the rule.

Women, on the other hand, can be ranked more directly (though not entirely).  Unless she’s got HIV or is missing a vagina, a 9 will in almost all cases be more alpha than a 6, regardless of how many men she dates.  This stems from the fact that men are not as diverse as women in what turns them on in the opposite sex.  Men dig beauty.  A feminine personality and sexual adventurism follow in a distant second and third place.  Smarts takes up the rear in fourth.  Men’s simple attraction programming means that we can rank women by their hotness without worrying about too many exceptions that violate the integrity of our ranking system.

But that is not the whole story.  Besides hotness, there is one other factor that influences female rank — the maximum level of commitment she can extract from her best option.  Her personality, charm, sexiness, character, and nurturing ability will make the difference here.  The best option rule is essential — men who are below her first choice offer unwanted commitment while men who are too far above her are guaranteed to put less effort into the relationship.

So the two variables defining female rank are:
Female hotness (sorry girls, but beauty is 99% NOT in the eye of the beholder).
Maximum level of commitment from the top suitor (this is what really separates the contenders from the pretenders; committing up is trickier than dating up).

Male partner rank is included as a reference point showing what pool of men is normally available to a woman of a particular rank.  This will on average be a little higher than the woman’s rank since women date up.

What is not included –
Number of partners means little to a woman’s rank.  Even a 1 can get fucks dumped in her by a drooling parade of Quasimodos.  Of course, a 10 will have way more males desiring her than the 1, but since men are more willing to occasionally dumpster dive and women don’t lust for variety as much as men do, we will leave that irrelevant variable out of the equation.

Female Rank     Hotness(F)   Male Rank    Max Commitment Level
Warpigs*                0                    0,1          30 seconds through glory hole
Lesser Omega       1,2                  1,2,3        15 minutes, moonless night only,
                                                                  contacts removed, never sober,
                                                                  doggy style with nothing but
                                                                  genitalia touching and a vomit
                                                                  bag nearby
Greater Omega      2,3                2,3,4        one hour with aid of mexican
                                                                  wrestling mask and stick to
                                                                  bite down on
Lesser Beta            3,4               3,4,5       4 weeks and nobody knows
                                                                  except you and your god
Beta                        4,5,6            4,5,6,7     6 months – 5 yrs, no flowers, no
                                                                  poems, no nights out, zero foreplay,
                                                                  she never comes, ultimatum spurs
                                                                  marriage proposal, divorce a messy
                                                                  but welcome denouement,
                                                                  housework is 70/30 favoring the man
Greater Beta          6,7               6,7,8         5 – 10 years, marriage tainted by
                                                                  at least one affair, passion fades
                                                                  after first year, marriage becomes
                                                                  comfortable compromise, chance of
                                                                  divorce slightly beats the odds
Lesser Alpha          7,8               7,8,9        10 – 15 years, she convinces him
                                                                  to marry right away instead of
                                                                  cohabit, first 5 years of marriage are
                                                                  magical time of animal sex and sweet
                                                                  romance, kids are never resented,
                                                                  husband works ass off to support
                                                                  family, super hot mistress
                                                                  precipitates divorce
Alpha                       8,9               8,9,10      10 years of faithful cohabitation,
                                                                  followed by 15 years of progressively
                                                                  unfaithful marriage (hey, hot people
                                                                  are constantly tempted), affairs
                                                                  ignored, sex always good, romantic
                                                                  gestures clever, original, and heart-
                                                                  warming, family portrait painted by
                                                                  norman rockwell descendant
Super Alpha           10                10           foreva eva, a polyamorous eternity,
                                                                  love stays strong (or at least until she
                                                                  hits the wall)

*Water cooler bonus: there are twice as many dregs as warpigs.

Exception argument:
What about the rare female 4 who snags a male 8?  Doesn’t that make her an alpha?

No.  Let’s turn it around to show why.  If a male 4 snags a female 8 his ranking goes up, maybe even as far up as a male 8.  Other women see and hear about him with his hot girl and the phenomenon of female preselection assures that he will now be more attractive to a bigger pool of women.  Not all female 8s will suddenly find him attractive, but enough will that it will make a difference in his alpha ranking.

Conversely, if a female 4 lands a male 8 her sexual status ranking will barely nudge up, if at all.  That is because male preselection does not work.  Other men won’t become more attracted to a female 4 despite seeing her with a much higher status guy.  They will be curious, but their crotches won’t stir.  Her basic package of looks will still dictate the amount of attraction she can generate from men.

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