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Mash Note To Chi Cha Lounge

Dear beloved Chi Cha
this ode is for you
if your lounge was music
it would be a Bachian fugue
many a lady whore
have i lured
to the glow of your blood red boudoir
appletini-stained sofas
hookah smoke swirled above us
drinks that hurt my bank account
greasy doorman checks us out
through it all you stayed my place
where i took my ladywhores for dates
staff smiled knowingly at my whore parade
and ran bets which dates i laid
Chi Cha you set the mood right
pussy opened up in your amber light
i gave you much in drink money
and you paid me back in liquored honeys

but then you went and fucked it up
you thought you weren’t douche enough
so you had people wait in a line
when clearly no one was inside
this policy is cheese
when it’s in NYC
but here in DC
it’ll kill your revenue stream
and so i’ve noticed lately
not many patrons i see
here’s a suggestion from me
toss the pseudo-Victorian love seats
and add a Wii.

[crypto-donation-box]

I Reveal Myself

Don’t assume I’m easy just because I like to wear full body spandex.

[crypto-donation-box]

I once wrote a post advising you to never send archiveable communication to a girl that you would be ashamed of if it were publicly broadcast:

If [your texts and emails] were given a public airing, let’s say on a blog or the Verizon Center jumbotron, you should feel comfortable with what you have written for the world to see.  You should not feel an urge to wince, because it will be clear to everyone reading it how alpha you are.  If the thought of someone other than you and your girl reading your permanently archived romantic exchanges makes you cringe with embarrassment, then you are doing something wrong that will eventually lead to your girl dumping you.

A female reader [name withheld] emailed me the following text exchange she had with a guy she met recently. She wanted me to post it as learning aid for betas everywhere on what NOT to do. Her sad, sorry tale of woe demonstrates why my rule of thumb — don’t write a girl anything that would humiliate you if publicly aired — is important: You give yourself a chance with the girl, and you don’t get ass raped on a public forum such as my blog.

Please help the betas of the world understand why I don’t want to talk to this guy I met a few weeks ago, who I had the following convo with via txt:

9/25 1:33PM
Him:  Are we still hangin 2moro

9/25 1:57PM
Me:  Hey…actually I’m headed back to Portland this weekend.  My parents just decided to move to Seattle next month so I have to help them pack.  Have a great weekend though

9/25 1:58PM
Him:  Damn harsh blow off! Thought u had people comin!

9/29 1:35PM
Him: Hey

*Note: He called me within one hour of this text.  I didn’t answer or call back.

9/30 2:20PM
Him: What’s up

9/30 2:36PM (Apparently he wasn’t getting the picture…so I responded)
Me: Nothing much

9/30 2:37PM
Him: How is work?

9/30 2:45PM
Me:  Oh alright.  Pretty busy right now though…can I send you a text later?

9/30 2:58PM
Him: Yea go for it hopefully we can meet up this wknd

10/1 9:27PM
Him: Do you have plans fri?

10/2 9:13AM
Me: Um…yeah.  I have a date with a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple weeks.  Sorry.  – This was a lie

10/2 9:23AM
Him: I see, I see well let me know when you’re free and we can work sumthin out

10/4 8:05PM
Him: Hello

If this guy is reading, I can almost feel the burn of his embarrassment. Let’s quickly itemize where he blew up the rails of the beta train.

  1. Right off the bat he asked her a question. Weak and needy. A better text: “I’ll see you tomorrow”.
  2. Infantile texting grammar. “2moro”? Leave the cutesie misspellings, shorthand, and emoticons to the girls. You are a man in control of the English language who calmly writes coherent, manly sentences.
  3. “Damn harsh blow off”? Never assume the rejection. And especially never announce it to her.
  4. Four days later: “Hey”. She didn’t respond to you four days ago. It’s not going anywhere. A few days incommunicado won’t make her horny for you. Delete her number or continue down your path of self-administered slow-mo castration.
  5. 9/30: “What’s up”. You’ve crossed into farce.
  6. 9/30: “Nothing much”. Now here is where my reader fucked up. Either continue ignoring him, block his number, or forcefully tell him off so he gets the idea. What she’s done here is give him an excuse to carry on haranguing her. I suspect she may have done this because she secretly enjoyed the negative attention. Some girls are like that.
  7. “How is work?” It was over by the first text, but as a helpful tip you should never ask lame, rapport-forcing questions like this.
  8. “Oh alright.  Pretty busy right now though…can I send you a text later?”. Wtf is this!? Hey, babe, if you don’t like a guy the response is simple: “Stop texting me. I don’t like you.” Are you an attention whore who likes to string losers along? If so, you get no sympathy from me. In fact, I hope the next guy you really like does the same to you. Karmic justice and all that.
  9. “Yea go for it hopefully we can meet up this wknd”. Hook, line and sinker. Try some self-control next time, Needy McNumbnuts.
  10. Two days later: “Do you have plans fri?” I quote Ronin: “Where there’s doubt, there’s no doubt.”
  11. “Um…yeah.  I have a date with a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple weeks.” This is what my reader should have sent him right after his first text. Did she toy with his hopeful eagerness so she could supply her true love with material for a blog post? Nyyaaaaahhhh… could be!
  12. “Hello”. I hope you’re 14. If you’re a full grown adult, you will die a virgin.

Well, I hope that was as painful for my readers as it was for me. It will have been worth it if I saved even one beta from serving as scathingly contemptuous giggle fodder at the next girls’ night in.

[crypto-donation-box]

A Test Of Your Game

The last time I challenged my readers to demonstrate their game skills in a hypothetical pickup situation, many commenters stepped up and offered excellent suggestions that I deemed would have led to some success with the coffeehouse girl. It’s time for another challenge. The scenario I’m about to describe is unique and one you’re not likely to encounter, but a veteran player has to be prepared for any eventuality. The best players have so fully absorbed the lessons of experience that they are able to think on their feet and surpass any obstacle.

Scene: You’ve met a girl in a mid-scale bar/club, it’s almost closing time, and the two of you are chatting together at the bar without interruption. You haven’t kissed or number closed her, but the vibe has been good.

You: They’re kicking us out. Come on, I’ll walk you part of the way home. It’s a zoo out there at this time of night.

Her: Ok. [she follows you out]

You: [grabbing her hand and winding through the masses of people on the sidewalk as she trails you] You live in the neighborhood?

Her: Yeah, I’m right up the street.

You: Wow, me too.

Her: Really? Where?

You: Just over by that Mexican restaurant. [pointing in that direction]

Her: Um, Ok, what street?

You: Why, are you gonna stalk me? I’ve had enough stalkers in my life, thank you.

Her: No, like, seriously, just tell me which street. [she giggles]

You: Ok, XXXX street.

Her: [getting excitable] What’s your address?

You: Ok, this is weird. You aren’t going to stalk me?

Her: No, I promise! What address!

You: XXXX XXXX street, XXXX building.

Her: Oh my god. I live in that same building! [you’re nearing your place]

You: You’ve gotta be kidding. So I guess I’ll walk you home all the way then. [you stop right in front of your place] So, um, you really live here?

Her: Ha ha! I live right next door to you! [she points at the door next to yours]

You: Unbelievable. Well, this is… different. [you have your keys out as you look at your door, then her door] How come I’ve never seen you around?

Her: I don’t know, maybe we have different work hours. I just moved here four months ago.

The two of you stand there a couple feet apart, smiling and glancing at each other. She seems a bit uncertain. The night has suddenly become very quiet. Remember, you haven’t kissed her nor have you gotten her phone number. (NOTE: She is tipsy, but not drunk, and sobering up fast.) Your brain races for what to say next, accessing every speck of knowledge you’ve acquired over the years gaming girls. The gauntlet is thrown, big guy…

What do you do?

[crypto-donation-box]

Beta Halloween Costumes

You deserve to be the laughingstock of lesser omegas if you do the “couples costume” thing.

Here’s another example of utterly contemptible betatude.

The only acceptable couples costumes are Pimp/Ho combos (substitute Hugh Hefner for a dash of class), or this:

Note that the beta costume is not the same as the GAY costume. If you wear a gay costume people will assume you prefer manflesh. If you wear a beta costume, people will assume your woman is cheating on you.

Here is an example of a GAY costume, so you know the difference between BETA and GAY (sometimes it’s a fine line):

Beta costumes are often boringly conventional. Stay away from vampires and mobsters unless you can pull them off really well (i.e., you actually look like a mobster in real life). Silly costumes like giant beer cans or condoms are beta. The only people laughing will be other betas, and they’ll be laughing at you, not with you.

Reader Matt wrote in with the following suggestion:

My thought is that a well thought-out costume is alpha as long as it’s understated. Oversized, obnoxiously fancy costumes are beta because they appear to be compensating for a lack of personality as well as revealing that too much effort was put in to their creation.

This is decent advice, and understated elegance will usually beat overstated buffoonery. But I wouldn’t write off fancy costumes. If you can craft a fancy costume so that every part fits into a greater whole and it doesn’t look like you duct taped it together in your basement, you can attract a lot of the good kind of female attention. For instance, an ostentatiously bedecked African King would be a cool costume.

Another option is the politically incorrect costume. These will score points with rebellious chicks who just wanted Daddy to hug them.

Alpha costumes meet one or more of the following criteria — they evoke mystery, danger, coolness, power, or violence. Practice your scowl and hit the weight room, and you can wear an alpha costume like this:

If you have a dog, you can boost your alpha score one whole point humiliating your pooch in this:

If you see these people around town on Halloween, there is a good chance it will be me.

My blade will be real. Plastic knock-offs are beta.

[crypto-donation-box]

Sexbot Update

Getting closer.

THIS is the most life-like robot suit ever – the cyber girl Repliee R-1.

Based on a real five-year-old Japanese girl, this machine was built to look just like a human.

The technology isn’t there yet to overcome the uncanny valley, and many will scoff that this is a long way off from hot and good-to-go sexbots, but the vector trajectory is unmistakeable. The future is men fornicating with robot women that are hotter than the human women they can score, and this possibility is no longer in the realm of science fantasy.

I am not surprised the Japanese are leading the way on the sexbot revolution.

[crypto-donation-box]

Reader JB emailed me with a valuable observation about the effectiveness of using generalizations as a game tactic. He read my post “Dread” where I explain the best ways to train your girlfriend so that you maximize love output and minimize shit test incitement:

Ignore her calls for a week. When you eventually answer and she reads you the riot act, act as if nothing was wrong and accuse her of sabotaging a perfectly good relationship, “just like all the other women in this stupid city. I thought you were different”. Hang up on her angrily.

JB wrote:

When I read this I fucking almost spit up my mouthful of coffee. Funny because it’s true. Have you written anything about the powerful effect generalization has on the female psyche? I have used the ‘you’re just like every other girl in this city’ one and BANG!
No matter who the girl, no matter the age…she stops cold and finds herself waiting for what I’m going to say next.

Good stuff, keep it up.

Yes, it’s true. Throwing a generalization in the face of a girl you are gaming by accusing her of being “just like all the rest” is a powerful qualification tactic. It will send her into paroxysms of indignation and self-doubt as she works hard to regain your approval.

Maxim #33: NO girl wants to be thought she isn’t a special little snowflake.

Use this thermal exhaust port of female psychology to your advantage. But be careful how you deploy the generalization bomb — its mindfuck megatonnage can blow up chicks’ heads like scanners. There are two ways to laser-guide a generalization straight into the beaver bunker.

  1. Exasperation. See the example above. Can be useful in pickup as well as relationship management — for instance, after she’s started acting up and attempted to find your soft underbelly. In pickup parlance, this would be during the M2F attraction phase. Watch as she spins her wheels trying to prove her uniqueness.
  2. Reverse psychology. Right before you run a routine with her, like palm reading or astrological compatibility, tell her she’s probably like all the other girls in [insert city] and wouldn’t appreciate the deep and profound knowledge you are about to drop on her. If she says “What do you mean I’m like all the rest?!”, you reply “Tell me I’m wrong.”

I don’t just dispense advice, I explain *why* the advice works, stripping away the mystery and spirituality squid ink with the sandblaster of biomechanics, so you can see for yourself the predictability of the human attraction algorithm.

As I wrote in response to Clio in the comments section of this post:

here is what i think motivates the female will to believe that makeup is effective at hiding flaws from the precision guided instrument of men’s visual intake port:

the fear of the immutable.

if you’ll notice, women are the most outraged by the idea of evolutionary psychology and unchangeable genetic fate. that physical beauty should be so unalterable and at the same time so critical to a woman’s prospects for snagging an alpha male of her own sends shivers down her spine. if true, it means they cannot do much to improve their value on the open market. no educational attainment, no carreer success, no makeup, no exercise [to a point], no hob nobbing with the right people — nothing much matters but for the face they were given when mommy’s egg was fertilized by daddy’s swimmers.

yet, this is precisely how the sexual market works. and so, as the gears of the pretty lie machine clank and sputter to dispense more of its life-affirming self-delusions, the “social conditioning” brigade strikes out at the descending shroud of hopeless darkness.

Generalizations offend women in a way they do not offend men because they breach the perimeter ego defense and strike right at a woman’s core self-conception — her belief in herself as Princess On A Cloud Carried Aloft By Admiring Suitors. If it’s true that her genes account for nearly all her success or failure with the men she wants, then there isn’t much she can do to improve her chances to fulfill her deepest desires. If it’s true (and it is) that men value beauty above all else, then it is logically inescapable that she is, to an unsettling degree, interchangeable with any women who are at or above her level of physical attractiveness.

Women do not want to confront the unpleasant reality of upwardly immutable female sexual market value. (They can certainly go down in market value by bloating up or suffering a facial disfigurement.) Similarly, they do not want to admit they aren’t special. So they fight against it. They hide behind pretty little platitudes and try to correct your misperceptions to the contrary. Deep in the primitive ancestral part of her reptilian brain she fears, justifiably, that if she isn’t a unique creature in your eyes, you may be likely to leave her if a hotter woman blips your radar. FOR INNATE EVOLUTIONARILY MODULATED REASONS, SHE WANTS TO KNOW YOU SEE MORE IN HER THAN HER BEAUTY. You should leverage this female instinct to your benefit.

“So what else do you have going for you besides your beauty?”

If you are the one special suitor who wrings her princess cloud dry and sends her plummeting to earth with a well-timed generalization that belies her uniqueness, she will suddenly find, in violation of the courtship script she was so used to following, an inexplicable urge to seek *your* approval, and demonstrate for *you* how different she is from other women and how you just *have to* see that.

Then, my friend, you will be in the driver’s seat. Zoom zoom.

[crypto-donation-box]

The last comment winner was back in July because you guys stunk up the place in August and I couldn’t choose a winner for that month that met my standard for excellence. But you pulled through in September.

So here it is, the September 2008 Comment Winner. Dinamo Kiev gives his insight into Russian women and the Slavic sexual market in the comments to this post, funnily enough, the February 2008 Comment Winner:

First off, it’s nuts to think that an EE woman would naturally prefer an American man.  Since when did women become big risk takers?  The World’s greatest explorers, first big waves of migrants, etc. were all men.  Adventure is in a man’s blood, but women are conservative.  All things being equal, they’d rather find someone with high status in their own society, rather than move to some other country.  You want a Russian girl?  Move here and bring all your money.  EE was bad enough 10 years ago that any American man could have come here and been a god and then taken a girl home.  No so anymore.

Most of the dudes I saw in America with Russian wives had no idea that their girlfriend/wife was fucking some Russian guy behing their back.

Game is for American men in America.  You don’t need game in Eastern Europe.  You don’t score points for witty banter here.  You gain points for being tough, macho, solid, and rich.  And not fake tough, like in America.  You’d better be ready to knock out immediately anyone that gets in your way, as a minimum.    How do you think the Russian oligarchs got rich?  By being nice guys?  They are all bandits and murderers.  And guess what?  Their girlfriends and wives don’t care that they are criminals.  Sad, but true.  Criminality doesn’t carry the sense of shame that it does in America — it doesn’t make a man here untouchable.  They were tough in an alpha sense, ruthless to everyone, and made the big bucks.  Everyone here is an Alpha — i.e. there are no Betas in the sense that someone is too shy to approach a girl.  The difference between Alpha and Beta here is: how much are you willing to push around other men and stomp them into the ground to get your way?

Your hot Russian girl will be grabbed and approached by no less than 15 men a day here, and half of the men will probably physically grab her and not accept no as an answer.  There’s no room for subtlety here.  There is no need for “approach” or “opening” here.  See a girl you like?  “Come sit with us girl.”  “Come ride in our Mercedes with us, girl.”  That’s it.

American men who come here get gamed so badly by the women, it’s amazing.  These idiots pay for dinners, Louis Vuitton bags, new clothes… and more than half of them aren’t even getting laid!   

You want a beautiful Russian girl?  Find one that is 27+ and bring her to America.  At that age, over here, she’ll be scared to death that her sponsor and/or husband, if he’s rich enough, will be looking to replace her with a younger and more beautiful model, preferably around age 19.  She’ll realize she can find some American sucker that will love her for the next 20 years, even after her beauty fades.    She can continually Diva him and turn him into her slave.    You can’t do that to a Russian man.  He’ll just turn around and say, “Next!”

All Russian girls know instinctively that they can not compete beauty wise with the new generation of girls that comes up every few years.    How do you think charming and beautiful young Russian girls turn into such bitter hag babushkas?  Because when your time is up here, your time is up, so might as well get bitter about it.

Women here are beautiful because it’s a Darwinistic society.  They know men go for looks, so they all compete on looks.  If you’re over 50 kg and a young woman, you must lock yourself in your bedroom and not leave until you’ve lost the weight.    American women are quite ugly, but I think it’s mainly because they are fat and dress poorly.    Subject them to the same kind of pressures they’d face here and I’m sure they’d gain 2.5 points of beauty within a few years.

As a side note, I’ve witnessed no less that 6 American women having nervous breakdowns here, usually at cafes talking to some male coworker, saying things like “I can’t take it here anymore!  The girls are such sluts!”   

What she really wants to say is: “I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t compete on any level with these women.  I was so popular with men in America even as a warpig, but here, not only do all Russian guys ignore me, but all the American men can’t be bothered either.”

I hear there is a term in Iraq for American women working in the green zone.  “GFB — Good for Baghdad.”  And that these women have the same kinds of nervous breakdowns upon return to America, when even the guys they were dating in Baghdad, that were so attentive to them there, no longer pick up the phone or respond anymore.

Of course America is a more civil place and a much better society, thanks to all the beta people, of course.  If you’re past 30, it’s much better to live there than here.  But if you want to see human nature at its basest, stripped of all subtleties:  to see what people really want — there’s no place better than here.

Don’t flame me girls, I’m just reporting it as I see it.

Well said, Padawan Kiev. I like his advice to fat girls to stay locked in their bedrooms starving themselves until they’re fit to be shown in public. Call it environmental activism; you don’t want your vista ruined by unsightly mounds of garbage.

As for his claim that all Russian men are alpha, I don’t buy it. But I relish a challenge, especially one involving beautiful women. My Russian trip will be like a safari to an exotic land where no one’s heard of PC or feminism or Gossip Girl, and where the women have a decent grasp of reality.

The Runner-up September 2008 Comment Winner award goes to Kick a Bitch, for his trenchant observations on the social interplay between man, woman, and flip-flop:

i like it though… i’ll have to use it sometime soon. i’ll even be so bold as to use it despite the fact that i’m also wearing flip-flops. i can already smell the musk that will accumulate from the juices of my prey’s vaginal canal as i spit forth the hypocrisy.

Sara just came.

Finally, a very strong Honorable Mention goes to Cynizen for her(?) comment on the post Top Two Rules For Dating Younger Women:

Men like you do not have any intention of a monogamous relationship and take advantage of the stupid, reckless girls with low self-esteem and bad taste. Yeah, that’ll add plenty to the gene pool should you slip up or your old balls produce enough over-eager swimmers. Men like you use pseudoscience to promote your agenda, yet ignore the advantages children have if their fathers are not assholes or aged. 

While age differences do not inherently bother me, people who make age a fetish and those who exploit others are disgusting and are obviously overcompensating for their small dicks or latent homosexuality.

I regret finding yet another shitty blog that makes me despise people.

Stupid girls with low self-esteem falling for game? Check. Small dick compensation? Check. Latent homosexuality? Check. It’s oddly comforting to see my incredulous foes sticking to the script.

[crypto-donation-box]

The Dow is down 26% year to date. If a protracted and deep recession leads to the average woman cutting costs at the supermarket and steering clear of the high calorie packaged foodstuffs, it could mean more slender women and, consequently, better sex.

Hard times bring “hard” times.

[crypto-donation-box]

A Reader Responds

In yesterday’s Reader Mailbag, I gave my unassailable advice to reader S. She has responded to it in the comments.

Hi, I’m S. herself.

You were wrong on this one.  Since I wrote you my (ill-advised?) request for help, K. and I are now dating, crazy about each other, and never been happier.  I was wrong about thinking he was self-destructive; as it turns out, some bad personal stuff happened to him last year that he never told me about, and he had every reason to be unhappy.  Now he’s much different.  Bright, kind, strong.  I never dreamed anything could be this good.

This site is a guilty pleasure for me, and occasionally hilarious, but you folks should know that sometimes real life is very different from this blog.

This blog is where girls go for thrill rides.

Actually, I was not wrong. I recommended you drop all your expectations and just fuck the guy and get it out of the way. You have started doing just that — dropped your expectations (“I was wrong about thinking he was self-destructive”) and smoothed the way for an eventual lay by making excuses for him and downplaying his flaws (“he had every reason to be unhappy”) and telling yourself there is a love connection (“I never dreamed anything could be this good.”) Yes, I’m sure he’s a changed man. He changed long time… in two weeks.

S. wrote me her request for help less than two weeks ago. It seems odd she could go from completely unsure of this guy K. to “dating, crazy about each other, and never been happier” in two weeks time. It sounds like K. said all the right things and cooed love whispers in her ear. His game must be tight. Respect.

But as we will see below, not tight enough to get the bang.

Thanks, commenters, for your advice.

Lemmonex: no, I’m not going to “just fuck him.” I’m too old-fashioned for that. Making out is pretty wonderful, on the other hand.

So you won’t put out but you’ll torture him with makeouts until his balls explode from pressure buildup. Yes, pretty wonderful for you, but for him… let’s just say only a guy with no options would put up with that frigid ice queen treatment for long. Give yourself a pat on the back… you’re dating a beta. Ironically, if you succeed in your mission to break his manly spirit and make him play by your rules, you’ll be more likely to lose interest in him.

as: He is a nice guy to whom I’m attracted, and if things work out I will introduce him to my parents.

Is your mom a MILF? If your niceguy “boyfriend” hasn’t been scrotally drained, you may want to hide her in the basement.

Piece and beaver grease.

ps: Keep us posted.

pps: (I try to help and this is the thanks I get. Do you people know how I bleed for you? Is it so hard to show even a tiny bit of gratitude? I suppose you want to see a grown man drown his sorrows in a vat of Ben&Jerrys Chunky Monkey. You’re all sick, sadistic bastards.)

[crypto-donation-box]

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