Chateau Heartiste

Here are the reader submitted nominees for the March 2009 Beta of the Month face-off.

March 2009 BOTM Candidate #1 was submitted by commenter Paul L. It’s a case study of a wretchedly nauseating beta marrying the ballcutting cybersuccubus who rides the rancid menstrual flow at the feministing coven.

I mean, just take a look at this guy and you already know what’s coming.

This is really going to be painful for me to write. The things I do for you people. Here is the full measure of his betatude as told in the words of his fiance.

As many of you already know, I’m getting hitched. Deciding to get married brought up a lot of issues for me – politically and personally. Folks had a bunch of questions in comments, so I thought I would use these as a jumping off point to talk about issues of feminism, marriage, and – the current bane of my existence – weddings.

Hara says, “I hope that if you are considering changing your name it is one you both create for the two of you to change to (like a combo, but shorter) otherwise, I suggest not making your name change to his last name.”

As marriage is a well known raw deal for men, any man who acquiesces to his wife keeping her maiden name is only garnishing his testicles he’s already placed on a plate for her, like John the Beta’s head. At the very least, a man should demand his wife take his name in honor of the tremendous sacrifice he’s making by chaining himself to marriage and all the state-sponsored anti-male tyranny that entails.

I’m keeping my last name. I think hyphenation is nice – and that’s probably the route we’ll go with kids – but I like my last name. A bunch. I’ve even considered adding in my mother’s last name as well, as a little “fuck you” to the patriarchy, but I think Jessica Michelucci Valenti is too much of a mouthful, even for one with as big a mouth as me.

What this confused broad doesn’t seem to grasp is that her maiden name is her father’s surname. So instead of passing on her husband’s surname, she passes on her father’s surname. The male lineage continues, just not her husband’s. Hyphenation is a direct “fuck you” to a man’s masculinity, as it not only denies the smallest acknowledgement of his dignity but rubs his face in his dishonor by elevating his father-in-law’s manhood over his own.

Any man worth his stones reading this, take my advice. If your fiance tells you she’s keeping her last name in marriage, tell her “No, you’re taking mine. End of discussion.” If she refuses your demand, dump her forthwith. I’ve just saved you a miserable fucking marriage to a shrike and a painful divorce settlement after you’ve caught her boffing the slam poetry dude whose show you took her to in celebration of women’s herstory month.

On the issue of same sex marriage, frye886 says, “It seems to me a more powerful action by many couples would be to refuse to get married and publicly state the reasons why not.”

If you’re basing your decision to get married on the legal status of gay marriage, you’re asking to be flayed alive by soul reapers such as myself.

Andrew and I discussed not getting married until everyone could, and we think that’s an understandable choice.

“Andrew and I discussed” means “Andrew listened while I told him what we were doing”.

Instead, we’re trying use our impending marriage as a pro-active way to talk about same sex marriage among our friends and family, and being mindful of the inequity in every step our process. (For example, in our engagement announcement we asked anyone considering getting us a gift to instead donate to an organization fighting for same sex marriage rights; we’re planning on saying something about it as part of our ceremony; and we’ve taken the advice of several commenters and will have cards indicating we’ve made a donation to said orgs instead of favors.)

With all this insufferable moral preening, you’d think gays were being lined up against the wall and shot. How much you wanna bet this Jessica nutcase is a closet lesbo?

Several of you also got into it about dresses – whether the traditional white dress actually did signify “purity,” etc. I’m kind of ambivalent about it, but I ended up getting a not-quite white dress (don’t want to give too much away in case the boy is reading!) that I bought from a place where all the money goes to charity.

“Don’t want to give too much away in case the boy is reading!” It’s funny how even the most strident feminists can’t help but swoon like little princesses for the traditional trappings of the wedding ceremony. Yeah, white is definitely not her color. She’s likely to be as pure as a refurbished vibrator. I wonder what color she got? Rainbow?

So that’s where I’m at so far. I’m sure things will continue to come up and that I’ll continue to try and find ways to subvert them or add a little dash of feminism.

Any guy who agrees to marry this wo-man is asking for a world of emasculation. Some guys will do anything for the pussy, so their’s is an act with at least some reasoning behind it. But our intrepid beta is plank-walking to his figurative castration with his eyes wide open. He *celebrates* it. Those limpid beta eyes say it all. As does his “progressive” resume. His life hereafter will be full of dashes of feminism and subversion of his manliness. Look at this chick’s man-jaw:

I think we’ve identified the boss monster. She is not LTR material, let alone marriage material. She is same night lay material and rocket launcher material.

“Quite an experience to live in fear, isn’t it? That’s what it is to be a slave.”

In the meantime, does anyone have any feminist wedding planning tips they’d like to share?

For him: punch your eardrums out.
For her: try not to let the ringing of my words distract you as you’re walking down the aisle.

ps: She will cheat on him within five years of exchange of wedding vows. And he will condone it and blame himself.

***

March 2009 BOTM Candidate #2 was submitted by commenter stacy. It’s the heartwarming Lifetime channel story of a generous man who lets his ex-wife and her new boy toy husband move into his house.

Struggling to make ends meet, trying to dig themselves out of debt, Nicole Thompson-Arce and her husband have moved in with her ex-husband.

Together, the unlikely threesome of Omaha, Nebraska, is raising two young daughters from the first marriage.

When I started the BOTY project, I was skeptical that there were enough betas of such vomitously unique circumstances to fill a year’s worth of submissions. My skepticism was unfounded. Just when you think you’ve heard it all, some guy steps up to the plate and knocks his testicles out of the park.

When she and Craig Thompson, 42, were going through a divorce in 2005, this was not a deal either of them could have imagined striking. It was a messy divorce, the kind involving a custody dispute. But once they ironed out that battle, agreeing to joint custody, Thompson-Arce said they were able to move on and forward.

Moving on and forward means never seeing the bitch again, not helping her and her new husband move into your home and fuck under your roof. I think half the reason so many women initiate divorce and revel in sticking it to their ex-husbands good and hard is because these beta chumps LET THEM DO IT and come crawling back BEGGING FOR MORE.

By the time she married Mathew Arce last July, she said she and her ex were friends. In fact, they were so close that his mother — meaning Thompson-Arce’s ex-mother-in-law — was in (not just at) the second wedding ceremony.

Is a man a loser when he cannot even comprehend his own dishonor?

“I knew they were having money problems, so I just asked them to move in,” he said. “I figured I’d get to see my girls, my daughters, more often. And Nicole said yes right away.”

Some men want their kids in their lives, severely cramping their nightlife and game and sucking all the fun out of life. I can’t understand why, but there it is. The child custody laws are so inimical to the fathers’ interests that arrangements like the one in this hellish story seem reasonable to fathers who have no other recourse.

Thompson [the ex-husband] and Arce [the new husband], who are 20 years apart — “I had to get the whole spectrum going there,” Thompson-Arce [the ex-wife] joked — have become the best of friends, and share a similar sense of humor. They have tackled home improvement projects, run around together on days they both have off and often hang out at the kitchen table building plastic models.

Do they swap guy tips on how to flick the bean hiding in the folds of her fat droopy vulva? The ex-wife is so fat and ugly maybe this guy just doesn’t give a shit that she’s getting boned two doors down the hallway in his own home. Not that this mitigates the disrespect issue, but it goes a way to explaining his seeming indifference. You be the judge:

The transition has been smooth and great for the kids, Thompson-Arce said. And for their benefit, irrespective of finances, she thinks it’s a living situation they’ll stick with for at least five to 10 years.

10 years. Notice she’s calling the shots here.

It has, however, taken a little time for the little ones to get the story straight.

Seven-year-old Victoria went back to school after winter break — and after the whole team had blended under one roof — and started telling people this: ” ‘My mommy has two husbands,’” Thompson-Arce remembered. “I was like, ‘No, honey, don’t tell them that!’”

This is all sorts of fucked up. Hey, on the upside, once the two daughters reach bangability age they’ll be so full of neuroses and daddy issues that a teen guy looking to score could just fall into their pussies.

“When they do have a romantic evening, I don’t hear them, so we’re not going there,” Thompson quipped. “There’s a bathroom between our two bedrooms.”

Beta, shoot thyself.
Women love these kinds of stories because they get to live vicariously through the fantasy of banging the guy they really desire while the good provider chump practically neuters himself with his amiable acquiescence.

I thought there was a possibility that the beta ex-husband was redeeming himself by dating around. Tomcatting with his newfound freedom would make him slightly less beta. But no…

The ex-husband hasn’t dated since the divorce. He said it’s because he’s been focused on work and taking care of the kids. Thompson-Arce, however, said that she and her husband are forever trying to get Thompson on the dating scene and want him to meet someone special.

Special, and understanding, she would most definitely need to be.

“He’d have to find a very open-minded woman because we don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon,” Thompson-Arce said.

He’s a loveless loser.

It’s one thing to marry a warpig and get shafted by her in divorce court.
It’s another thing to invite her and her new husband into your home so they can screw right under your nose.
It’s still another thing to let your kids witness your total and utter humilation and emasculation.
But it’s a whole new level of beta to sit passively by as your seacow ex-wife lays down the rules of engagement and tells you how it’s gonna be.

I hate both of these wrecks equally. MMmmm… delicious, life nourishing hate.

The voting:

Addendum

I thought about adding this story to the March 2009 BOTM voting, but a guy who lets his GF fuck him up the ass with a giant purple saguaro so she can fulfill a twisted fantasy is more of a freak than a beta. He at least is presumably fucking her in the usual way most of the time, so his journey to the beta side is not yet complete.