Chateau Heartiste

I knew a guy who was alpha by most people’s definitions — an Army soldier and lawyer by trade, built like granite, he was a fearsome warrior with a taste for fighting who could knock a man out with a punch that landed like a piledriver.  He walked with purpose everywhere and immediately cowed men into deferring to him when in social situations.  He had a taste for cruising his apartment butt naked, company or no company present. He was, according to my traumatized metrosexual roommate, hung like a Clydesdale.  Despite his strong manly presence he misspent his alpha capital picking up a parade of bar skanks and fatties in nightclubs — I never saw him with any girl better than a 5 — and pining for a lost ex-girlfriend (and by pining I mean seeking out the new boyfriend of his ex to deliver a flurry of violent blows.)

I had another friend, a good-looking successful businessman with a sharp wit and effortless charisma, who was always the center of attention in that very alpha way of not trying hard to be the center of attention.  The girls in our social group we used to hang out with all told me how much they wanted to date him.  And yet, in the couple years I knew this guy I don’t think he slept with more than three girls and never had a girlfriend.  Some flaw in his character hobbled him from reaching his full potential.  He eventually married a hot blonde, but for many years in his prime he completely squandered his alpha capital in the only way that really matters.

I mention these guys because they illustrate the confusion that arises when people attempt to categorize alpha and beta males.  These two guys weren’t perfectly alpha on paper — one had a beat up face and a half-empty wallet, the other was emotionally vacant — but they had enough of the important alpha qualities that they could have done a lot better with women than they did.  And yet, to an outside observer who didn’t know about their troubles with women, they would be considered archetypical alpha males.

Many want to believe that getting girls is ancillary to being a true alpha male; that the real measure of an alpha lies in his ability to dominate other men, or his command of his environment, or his thirst for swashbuckling adventure.  While these are admirable alpha traits, they are nothing but a means to an end.  Make no mistake, at the most fundamental level the CRUX of a man’s worth is measured by his desirability to women, whether he chooses to play the game or not.  Pussy is the holy grail.  That is why the obese, socially maladroit nerdboy who manages to unlock the gate to the secret garden and bang a 10 regularly is an alpha male.  And that is also why the rich, charming entrepreneur who because of an emotional deficiency or mental sickness lives mired in parched celibacy is not an alpha male.

Due to this enduring confusion about what makes an alpha, I submit the following system, in the form of a handy chart, to help clear the air.  It hits on the three major factors influencing male rank — how hot are the women he can attract, how strong is that attraction for him, and how many of those women find him attractive.

Keep in mind that there is no line in the sand that separates betas from alphas — the distribution of men by their attractiveness to women follows an uneven continuum where at the extremes a small percentage of alphas monopolize an immense number of quality women and a much larger blob of omegas struggle to rut with warpigs.

Male Rank        Hotness(F)    Strength of Attraction     # of Women
Dregs (lost souls)     N/A          Actively repulsed                Grinding celibacy
Lesser Omega          0,1          Will never feel love;              Dry spells >5 years
can’t keep a girl longer
than 3 days
Greater Omega       1,2,3       She loves houseplant more;  Dry spells 1-5 years
gets dumped for cat
Lesser Beta              3,4          She’s somewhere else          Gets lucky twice;
during sex                               marries hog
Beta                        4,5,6       Romance died after               6 month dry spells;
second date;                  marries dumpy hausfrau
relationships last forever
because no other choice
Greater Beta         6,7          Can do it with lights on;      5-15 lifetime partners
once got a BJ in an alley;
girlfriend cries after he
proposes
Lesser Alpha         7,8         Consecutive long term         15-100 lifetime partners;
relationships >1 year;              2 affairs
enjoys occasional fling;
girlfriend faints after
he proposes
Alpha                     8,9         Concurrent multiple           100-500 lifetime partners;
long term relationships;              10-20 affairs;
love at first sight;                         2 threesomes
videotapes homemade porn;
girlfriend scared to
pressure him into marriage
Super Alpha         9,10       Multiple long and short                     Limitless
term relationships, flings,
and one night stands; orgies;
crazed stalker love; women
willing to do anal at hello;
maintains de facto harem;
never cheated on, never dumped;
hires contraceptive assistant to
make sure his condoms don’t
have holes punched in them

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