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Hardest Challenges

Mar 26th, 2008 by

What is challenging for one man may not be so difficult for another. A virgin might think that getting his first lay is the pinnacle of achievement, but to a singer in an indie band with excellent emoting skills getting laid is an afterthought. There are some challenges however that are difficult to accomplish for almost all men.

  • Converting a lesbian

Not a bisexual girl. Those are a dime a dozen. I mean committed lesbians; the ones who have never been pierced by man love and know as much about cabinet resurfacing as Bob Vila. Turn a decent-looking scissor sister into a traitor to her orientation even for one night and you will have earned the respect of your peers. Bonus points if you pick her up at a Vagina Monologues show.

  • Threesome

Yeah, it’s cliched, but that doesn’t change the fact that despite the braggadocio of countless pornstars in their own minds this accomplishment is pretty rare. If the average American man has seven lifetime partners it’s a safe bet that he didn’t blow the bulk of his lifetime wad on three nights with six different women. Pull a threesome and your name will echo throughout the realms. Film it and it will echo throughout YouPorn.

  • Having sex with a religious girl in a place of worship

Sure, repressed Catholic girls will hike their skirts in the back seat of a car under the watchful eye of St. Christopher, but try and get her to renounce her chaste ways in an empty church pew or in the rectory while a six foot tall crucifix gives her the stink eye. Ditto for other religions. Ever bang a Jewish girl in a temple? A Buddhist in a monastery? Or… wait for it… a non-Americanized Muslim girl in a mosque? You do the last and manage to avoid decapitation your name will be legend and spoken of in hushed tones around campfires and at men’s retreats.

  • Staying in love

Falling in love is nothing special. People do it all the time. Staying in love, and having it reciprocated just as strongly, is another trick altogether. Don’t listen to the rainbows and unicorns brigade; the world is not awash in a field of love consciousness. It is instead awash in fear, hatred, anger, jealousy, duplicity, lust, ego… and occasionally love. There is a reason so many people yearn for the life-giving power of requited love and that is because it is so rare. Stay in love with a girl who loves you back and you will secretly be hated by everyone. Kind of like lottery winners.

  • Having sex with a girl who is already in love with another man

Why is this so hard? See above. As extraordinary as deep long-lasting love is, seducing a girl in such a state away from the object of her love for an illicit tryst is rarer still. Even the best players advocate learning to recognize the signs of a girl in love with her boyfriend and moving on to more pliable targets. A girl in love gives off a vibe that screams “I don’t even notice other guys”. Try and overcome *that* bitch shield. This is the Holy Grail of male challenges, and if you accept this challenge and succeed your name becomes a powerful symbol of evil in the world, scribbled in angry lettering on the back of notebooks by ostracized goth kids in high schools everywhere.

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Posted in Alpha, Closing the Deal, Rules of Manhood, Self-aggrandizement | Comments Off

Gaming “Type A” Girls

Mar 25th, 2008 by

The Type A and Type B personality theory (or Type A and Type B behavior pattern) divides the population of humans into two groups, based on their personality characteristics.

People who fall under Type A exhibit characteristics such as being impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about one’s status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation. Type A individuals are often high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays.

Cute girl approaches me. She looks vaguely like Hilary Swank, but with better teeth. Her posture is ramrod straight. The smile on her face doesn’t falter. She never breaks eye contact. Her energy is intense. I feel like I should salute her.

Her: I saw you standing over here trying to look cool so I figured I’d come over and say Hi.

Me: “Trying”?

Her: What’s your name?

Me: That was fast. Let’s get creative. Ask another question.

Her: What do you do?

Me: Look cool.

Her: So you work for free? Because I’ve seen better.

Me: No… you haven’t. Hey, I just saw you gaming some guy right over there. Are you going around the bar practicing your flirting skills?

Her: I’m winging for my friend. [she points to a dude across the room] I was occupying the guy talking to me so my friend could hit on the girl in his group. I gave him a number I never answer.

Me: You’re like the female version of a player. For some reason I think you’re proud of that.

Her: [beaming] Yes, I am! [stares daggers into me] So, really, what do you do?

Me: Back to this again. OK, I make it hard for girls like you to get a straight answer. I get the feeling you want guys to be intimidated by you.

Her: You aren’t intimidated by me? Because most guys are.

Me: I’m shaking in my boots.

***

This edgy, in-your-face banter lasted for 15 minutes, escalating every step of the way. The longer it lasted, the more she became intrigued, her facial expressions getting animated with each new pseudo-insult. It was fun for me… for the first 30 seconds… then I became annoyed. High octane antagonistic flirting can quickly devolve into a farce and when that happens the momentum is lost. Sassy works in measured doses; more than that and it turns into bitchy. And despite the latest cultural meme to the contrary, guys don’t really like bitches. We prefer sweet.

Unfortunately, DC is filled to the brim with Type A girls. A brimful of assholes on the 45. So you have to learn to love confrontational flirting, because that’s what these girls use to separate you from the rest of the pack. It’s all they know. The better you parry her, the higher she bumps you up her male scale.

The trick is to give her what she wants at first, then pull it away and force her into your courtship tempo. Type A girls are actually *easier* to attract than Type B girls because they are simple creatures who respond reflexively to men who don’t wilt under their onslaught. Type Bs tend to be more inscrutable and sensitive; one bold move can close them off to you for good if they take it the wrong way. You’ve got more leeway with Type As to flirt outrageously, but the downside is that they are skilled at preventing you from moving the seduction forward. If you’re not careful, you’ll have a crazy fun time with her for 20 minutes… then walk home empty-handed.

Spend a few minutes attracting her, then firmly change the tone of the conversation. Say something like “Well, this is fun, but it would be better if we sat down over there and had a real conversation.” Or do a cold read: “I have an intuition about you. You come across so forward and intense, with a big wall built up around you, but inside there’s a sensitive vulnerable girl who just wants any chance to show the right guy the side of her that she hides from the world.”

Find an excuse to get her to move to a quieter spot where you can sit her down. Type As lose a lot of their incessant cockiness when they are sitting down. The physical act of sitting seems to humble them a bit. Whatever you do, don’t bother number closing a Type A if you haven’t moved past the flirting and gotten her to open up to you about something personal. You’ll know you have done this when the smile plastered on her face all night finally takes a break. Type As are very social and flirt with lots of men. She will forget you as soon as she’s left the bar to go home if your interaction with her was entirely superficial.

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Posted in Game, Girls, The Big City Life | Comments Off

Unbridgeable Chasm and a Recap

Mar 24th, 2008 by

There was a contest for the best pictures on the internet for 2007 and the winners of the ‘Favorite Photo for Male Voters’ and ‘Favorite Photo for Female Voters’ categories really says a lot about what turns us on visually.

Here is the photo judged most pleasing by male voters:

No surprise. I would’ve liked to have seen some green nipples for realism.

Here is the photo judged most pleasing by female voters:

The lesson is clear. Men have women’s bodies on the brain, and when they can’t ogle a real woman’s body they’ll settle for a mossy likeness. Women have cute animals, babies, and maternal love on the brain. And when they can’t enjoy these things they become lawyers. In previous generations, the husband spent a few nights a week out of the house playing poker with his buddies. There was no concept of married couples sharing all aspects of their lives together. I think they had it right.

In other news, the hipster happy hour last Friday brought a lot of love, although there weren’t many authentic hipsters at Marvin, just a lot of yuppies dancing ineffectually. There was rampant binge alcoholism and some were found passed out on their couches afterwards.

This looks like it was a very sweet dream.

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Posted in Ridiculousness, The Big City Life | Comments Off

Right Wing Slam Poetry

Mar 23rd, 2008 by

a welcome send-up. 

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Posted in Funny/Lolblogs | Comments Off

When A Girl Needs An Asshole

Mar 21st, 2008 by

I met a pretty blonde girl for a first date at one of my favorite lounges (that is to say, the lounge met the requirement of being conveniently located within walking distance of my place). Halfway through the marry, boff, kill game we had the following conversation.

Her: Have you seen that VH1 show The Pickup Artist?

Me: Yeah, why?

Her: The main guy from the show, Mystery, hit on me at St Louis Bar a few weeks ago.

Me: Was he wearing a fuzzy hat with aviator goggles and a Victorian jacket over a t-shirt that said “Mystery”?

Her: Yes! Just like in the show.

Me: [thinking to myself a trip to Poland sounds good right about now] How did he do?

Her: He asked me for my opinion about something, and then made fun of me. I called him an asshole and told him to fuck off.

Me: Lemme guess… you were kind of attracted to him, right?

Her: No! He’s an asshole.

Me: Wow, you’re one of those! I thought you guys were a dying breed.

Her: One of what?!

Me: You’re drawn to assholes. It’s OK, you can be honest. I won’t judge.

Her: [stares at me for a few seconds] I’ll admit that in the past I was drawn to assholes. But there was no way he was getting a chance with me. The guy is a D-list celebrity. Not even! He’s a total douche.

Me: And yet a month later you’re still thinking about that moment.

Maxim #3: Whenever an attractive girl tells you she hates assholes, or describes her experience in the past dating assholes and claims to avoid them now, or recites a laundry list of asshole-y things guys do that she disapproves of, you can bet your weight in gold bricks that she needs you to be an asshole to her.

After this illuminating conversation I knew that I had miscalibrated her and realized I should have played up my asshole side. Consequently, likelihood of a second date was low. When I go out with girls I have a system where I rank them according to how much asshole behavior they will need to open their legs heart for me. I’m usually pretty good at this and can switch on my asshole persona at will.

For instance, if she’s a 10 on the 1 to 10 asshole craving scale, I will occasionally tell her, with a flash of anger, to “shut the fuck up” when she tries to shit test me. If she’s a 1, I’ll be Mr. Nice Guy and compliment her on her choice of shoes. If she’s in the middle of the asshole craving scale (where most cute young girls are), I’ll get her to buy me an expensive drink. Normally, I can accurately assess whether a girl is an asshole craver early in the pickup, usually within the first minute, by how bright her eyes shine when I disrespect her. If she pushes me away in mock indignation, that tells me I’ve hit pay dirt. But this time my date’s calm, intelligent, giggle-free demeanor and conservative dress had me fooled into thinking she had a low asshole craving quotient. A rookie mistake.

A part of me was pleased that I was on a date trying to get into the panties of the same girl that the infamous Mystery tried and, presumably, failed to pick up a few weeks earlier. But a bigger part of me was grossed out by the nagging thought that every girl I’ve dated in the past three years has been hit on over and over by hundreds, maybe thousands, of acolytes of the game all running the same routines and wearing matching armbands and unusual pendants.

Later that night, after the date, I went to another bar and asked two girls how well they knew each other. They said the night before a guy had given them “the best friends test and asked us what shampoo we used.” I made a mental note to pirate the Pimsleur series on learning Polish.

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Posted in Alpha, Biomechanics is God, Dating, Ridiculousness | Comments Off

Are European Girls Better Lays?

Mar 20th, 2008 by

I usually dismiss arguments like this out of hand because I believe that it’s not the girl that makes the lay but the strength of attraction between the girl and the guy. The more you like each other, the more explosive the sex will be, regardless of country of origin.

But now I wonder if there isn’t some truth to this theory besides anti-American posturing. Thinking back on every sexual interaction I ever had (my memory is sharp in this area) and comparing the experiences with the foreign girls to my compatriots, I arrive at the inescapable conclusion that the foreigners (mostly European, including Russian) were better lays.

Evidence based on general trends:

European – Naturally lubricated. Initial thrust executed without needing to pry apart the labia with my fingers first.

American – Bottle or tube of lube always within reach.

European – Expert at being on top. I felt confident she would not break my dick bone with a false move.

American – Girl on top always had an element of fear. I had to expend wasteful energy grabbing her hips firmly and preventing her from rising up too far off my dick and disengaging, or shifting awkwardly to the side or backwards.

European – Requested anal.

American – Frightened of it. Needed multiple reassurances.

European – Understood that tongue pressure was as important as saliva and making an O shape out of her mouth for enjoyable blowjobs. Often pressed it against the inside of her cheek contributing to visual as well as tactile stimulation.

American – Where did her tongue go? And why is her hand doing most of the work?

European – Met my thrusts with equal fervor, like colliding asteroids of flesh.

American – Received my thrusts passively. Brief moments of minor hip grinding.

European – Threw the sheets off when having sex.

American – Pulled the sheets over us when having sex.

European – Banged as often during the daytime as at night.

American – Day sex was infrequent. At night, didn’t even like a light on in another room.

European – Peed in front of me on the first night together.

American – 3 month waiting period before being allowed to see her sitting on the bowl.

European – Liked to smoke after morning sex.

American – Liked to talk about what we’re “going to do today” after morning sex. (this one’s a wash)

European – Public sex is a rite of passage. Parks, woods, movie theaters, my Mom’s couch.

American – Public sex is doing it with the TV on in the background.

Game, set, match: Euro babes.

European women seem more open and experimental than American women. They are less neurotic and don’t sweat the small stuff. Most importantly, they live in the moment. American women are constantly worried how they look in the wrong lighting, and how the ambiance has to be just right for them to feel comfortable getting naked. When a European girl is post-coital you know her mind is clear and she is giving herself over to the pleasure. An American girl is going through her appointments in her head, wondering if she has enough time in her busy schedule to squeeze in a spa treatment.

***

On a completely unrelated note, I am planning a future extended trip to Poland, Estonia, and possibly Hungary. I expect to meet the barely legal girl of my dreams there. If anyone has advice how to make the most of my time in that part of the world feel free to email me or leave a comment.

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Posted in Foreign Girls, Love | Comments Off

A Deposed Queen

Mar 19th, 2008 by

I could have a beer with this guy.

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Posted in Hitting The Wall | Comments Off

Big Rapport Mistake

Mar 19th, 2008 by

Emotionally connecting with a girl is 90% of getting her into your bed. The first ten minutes of meeting her — swooping in, introducing yourself, steering the conversation, and building her attraction to you through body language and high value stories — while considered the hardest part of courtship by most guys, is really just a small piece of the pick up puzzle. The fact is, most guys fuck it up with girls during those long interludes on the second date when they are face to face getting to know each other.

The reason for this is that men and women have fundamentally different thought processes. In short: men focus, women sample. A topic of conversation comes up and the guy wants to analyze it fully, drilling down to the tiniest detail and debating the pros and cons, while the girl wants to use the topic as a springboard to explore related topics. Biologically, this makes perfect sense, as men raise their status in big part by solving problems, and women judge a man’s strength of character by gauging his responses to a variety of scenarios. Men should be aware that women won’t show their hand so blatantly by asking probing questions directly; instead, they use the chaotic give and take of conversation to expose any insecurities he may be hiding.

The underlying dynamic — women normally need hours of subtle interrogation to deem a man worthy of sex, while men need only a second of eyeballing her head to toe to deem her worthy of pursuing — accounts for much of the misunderstanding between the sexes.

One of the biggest mistakes a man will make is superficial listening. This is where he gets wrapped up inside his head thinking hard about a clever response he can impress her with while she’s still talking to him. Usually he will latch onto a “keyword” to launch his diatribe before she has finished her thoughts. The result is an uncomfortable, forced rapport where the guy is interrupting her every other word trying to find common ground and leaving her feeling like she is not being heard.

Example

Him: What’s your ideal vacation spot?

Her: Well, I would really love to go scuba diving along a coral reef in warm Caribbean waters. The colors of the fish are amazing, and you can feel so peaceful under the water, away from all the stress of your normal life…

Him: Oh yeah! Scuba diving is fun! My favorite part was falling backwards off the boat into the water.

***

This guy made the typical man mistake of grasping at the solid object — the noun– in her answer instead of discerning what was really important, which was the feeling scuba diving gave her and her hint at what she values in life.

If you do this, train yourself to step out of your head. The simplest way to improve this part of your game is to shut up, nod, and say uh huh… uh huh… a lot while she’s speaking. Don’t worry about what you’re going to say next while she’s talking. Give her room to talk. Never argue or get obsessed with the details in her stories. Don’t correct her like some nerd study partner when she flubs an inconsequential fact. If she’s giving her opinion, don’t judge her for it. This is the rapport stage, not the attraction stage. You want to build a connection and the easiest way to do that is to let her feel comfortable around you revealing her hopes and desires. You’ll get into a smooth conversational rhythm faster if you stop being anxious about responding to every one of her points.

Be mentally flexible.

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Reality Check

Mar 18th, 2008 by

I was walking with a friend down a city street here in the city and we took a running tally of all the cute girls we passed. We lost count. No sooner were we leering at admiring one hot chick when another one appeared and stole our attention. I wondered if this was how lions felt when there were too many prey animals to choose from on the veldt — overwhelmed to the point of inaction.

One of the routes I frequently take has tons of chicks.

That’s an average of 70 inspiring girls along this heavily-trafficed route. I rarely see repeats, except for the Pink Ladies loitering in front of Asylum. This route is probably the second best in city for day game, just behind Kansas.

As you can see, the center city is a magnet for girls who want to sit on the benches and pretend to type on laptops.

This heavy concentration of babes in parts of the city can lead a man to mistakenly believe the whole world is a playground of available women ripe for his charms. He may then conclude there is no hurry to approach any one girl since there’s always another one coming. Such a flawed perspective needs a reality check, so I’ve put together a handy chart that shows indisputably how few acceptable girls there are in an average day for a man to hit on.

Age of woman# per 100 you’ll see walking around on any given Saturday in DC*% 7s and Above# of Acceptable Targets (rounded)# of acceptable targets who will be single** at any given time
1819210
1928820
2048031
2147031
2256541
2375531
2494742
25104242
26113742
2793332
2862821
2942511
3042011
3131500
3231200
3321000
342800
352500
362300
372200
381200
391100
401100
4111/200
4211/400
4311/500
4411/1000
4511/10000
The WallInvisible0N/AN/A
Totals1003515

*Older women will tend to be found in Costco on a Saturday afternoon buying bulk Oreos for their kids.
**Restricted to girls who are open to meeting men. Women in the city between 28 and 35 are more likely to be single than women under 25.

From my chart, the pickings are slim. For every 100 women in a youth-oriented city that attracts good-looking girls from all over the country, you will be aroused by 35 of them, and have an outside shot at gratifying your arousal with only 15.

To put it in another perspective, since most men agree on what constitutes a 7 and above, you’re competing with 100 other guys for 15 vaginas. Do you have what it takes to be in the top 15%?

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Posted in Girls, Self-aggrandizement, The Big City Life | Comments Off

Dancing Douche

Mar 17th, 2008 by

Prop

Sometimes the scene will yield the perfect prop to exploit for bonding with girls. This guy gave us ten minutes of quality entertainment:

I know it’s hard to see (dark, buzzing cameraman) but there is a guy dancing in front of the fish tank holding a cell phone to his ear. I’m pretty sure there was no one on the other end of the line. He danced vigorously (leg kicking, pelvis thrusting) for a full ten minutes staring at the fish tank the whole time, cell phone never leaving his ear. Half the bar was pointing and laughing at him. The bartenders began imitating his moves, complete with mock cell phone. He remained oblivious to his public humiliation.

Thank you, Dancing Douche, for facilitating mating opportunities.

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Posted in The Big City Life, Tool Time | Comments Off

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