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Big Rapport Mistake

This post is also available in: German

Emotionally connecting with a girl is 90% of getting her into your bed. The first ten minutes of meeting her — swooping in, introducing yourself, steering the conversation, and building her attraction to you through body language and high value stories — while considered the hardest part of courtship by most guys, is really just a small piece of the pick up puzzle. The fact is, most guys fuck it up with girls during those long interludes on the second date when they are face to face getting to know each other.

The reason for this is that men and women have fundamentally different thought processes. In short: men focus, women sample. A topic of conversation comes up and the guy wants to analyze it fully, drilling down to the tiniest detail and debating the pros and cons, while the girl wants to use the topic as a springboard to explore related topics. Biologically, this makes perfect sense, as men raise their status in big part by solving problems, and women judge a man’s strength of character by gauging his responses to a variety of scenarios. Men should be aware that women won’t show their hand so blatantly by asking probing questions directly; instead, they use the chaotic give and take of conversation to expose any insecurities he may be hiding.

The underlying dynamic — women normally need hours of subtle interrogation to deem a man worthy of sex, while men need only a second of eyeballing her head to toe to deem her worthy of pursuing — accounts for much of the misunderstanding between the sexes.

One of the biggest mistakes a man will make is superficial listening. This is where he gets wrapped up inside his head thinking hard about a clever response he can impress her with while she’s still talking to him. Usually he will latch onto a “keyword” to launch his diatribe before she has finished her thoughts. The result is an uncomfortable, forced rapport where the guy is interrupting her every other word trying to find common ground and leaving her feeling like she is not being heard.

Example

Him: What’s your ideal vacation spot?

Her: Well, I would really love to go scuba diving along a coral reef in warm Caribbean waters. The colors of the fish are amazing, and you can feel so peaceful under the water, away from all the stress of your normal life…

Him: Oh yeah! Scuba diving is fun! My favorite part was falling backwards off the boat into the water.

***

This guy made the typical man mistake of grasping at the solid object — the noun– in her answer instead of discerning what was really important, which was the feeling scuba diving gave her and her hint at what she values in life.

If you do this, train yourself to step out of your head. The simplest way to improve this part of your game is to shut up, nod, and say uh huh… uh huh… a lot while she’s speaking. Don’t worry about what you’re going to say next while she’s talking. Give her room to talk. Never argue or get obsessed with the details in her stories. Don’t correct her like some nerd study partner when she flubs an inconsequential fact. If she’s giving her opinion, don’t judge her for it. This is the rapport stage, not the attraction stage. You want to build a connection and the easiest way to do that is to let her feel comfortable around you revealing her hopes and desires. You’ll get into a smooth conversational rhythm faster if you stop being anxious about responding to every one of her points.

Be mentally flexible.

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