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Beta Game

If you are a pussywhipped beta whose girlfriend will get tired of having you as a girlfriend… if you stop mid-wipe after taking a shit to do her bidding… if your balls climb up into your chest cavity every time she chews you out… if the thought of her being displeased with you gives you a full diaper, then you need to make it your life mission to haul into orbit the one thing that tells her you love her and will never ever not let her get her way.

For two billion lifetimes’ salary and undiscovered advances in physics, you can impress her with a diamond star. At a diameter of 4,000 km you can virtually lock in that she’ll never cheat on you in front of your face, because she’ll be too busy angling it in the light to show off to her yenta friends.

Planet-sized diamonds are forever.

if this is cubic zirconia i’m dumping your ass!

On my entitlement scale, a woman who would want, or need, such a diamond would be a 10+ American living in Manhattan who mainlines Cosmo and Jimmy Choo.

Not to be deterred, the forces of light have gone on the attack with a class action lawsuit against De Beers for unlawfully monopolizing the sale of diamonds. A proposed settlement is in the works. Now it’s your turn, betaboys. Since women will never willingly give up their prerogative to drain a man’s finances on a useless rock for the privilege of giving him access to the same pussy once a month, it’s up to you to grow a hairy pair and take a stand. There are two ways you can do this:

1. Just say no. If she walks, then at least you’ll know your company was worth less to her than a piece of jewelry. End result: keep your dignity intact.

2. Buy her a “fake” (AKA unmined) diamond and don’t tell her it’s not a De Beers-approved product. She’ll never know and you’ll be able to spend more of your money on worthwhile consumer goods, like sexy lingerie for your mistress. If she even asks if the ring is real, then you will have proof that her priorities are out of whack.

I predict this will never happen. The world is just too bottom-heavy with lickspittle betas.

The engagement ring is meant as a symbol of love and commitment. It is cheapened when a gargantuan price tag is put on it. A colorful piece of string tied around her wrist would work better.


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