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Buy Low, Sell High

This post is also available in: German

I had this friend who was a money-chasing alpha in the financial sector. He kept a framed crisp dollar bill and a magazine photo of a random hot blonde hung side by side on the wall in his room. If you asked him why, he’d say, pointing to the girl and then the dollar, “She’s there to remind me why I’m working 15 hour days earning THAT.”

He viewed life like it was a giant business transaction, which means he was closer to the truth than all of history’s great philosophers. He’d usually start off making a point by saying:

“I’ve been in the business 5 YEARS and lemme tell you…”

Ocassionally he was in the business 10 years, but when he got on a roll he was too funny to correct.

In his view, love was the same as stocks; you bought low when she was still young and more interested in you than 401Ks, held on while her stock (firm ass) continued to pay good dividends, and sold high when her P/E ratio began to droop and you could afford to diversify in high risk international stocks and start-ups.

“You gotta remember to allocate your resources! Don’t invest everything in one pussy.”

Whenever conversation got around to cars, he would always give us this dire warning: “Don’t buy a new car, it’s a depreciating asset!”

“Depreciating asset!” “Depreciating asset!”

Then his former friend-turned-cutthroat-enemy coworker bought a new BMW and one month later he was pulling out of the dealership in a brand new SUV, telling us he could blow red lights now because he got the optional invisibility package.

His idea of romance was to buy one giant scented candle and put it on a cutting board in the middle of the living room.

“I got some candles for the ladies.”

Money, girls, work, status, beer funnels.

I don’t think I’ve met a happier person than him.


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