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A reader emails:
This is a picture of a girl I dated my last year of college (she was 2 years behind me). The first pic is her right after we stopped dating, the second pic (purple shirt) is her after a year and a half of marriage… Tragic.
It’s scientifically proven that women pack on the pounds once they extract the wedding vows. It thus follows that married men enjoy much less satisfying sex than their single male counterparts. It all makes perfect sense from a game theoretic point of view: women show their best bodies when they are competing with other women for a man’s commitment, but once they have that commitment — and the power of the state to protect them from the consequences of breaking their implicit promise to please their husbands — they let themselves go.
This is why the hottest cougars are the ones who have never been married and have had to fight tooth and claw for male attention their whole lives.
So beware the gluttony hazard of marriage. If you’re a beta provider, the freezer will start filling up with Haagen-Dazs days after the honeymoon. She knows you’re not going to do anything about it. You have nowhere to run, and no other women to satisfy you. And you certainly don’t have the balls to tell her how much her rolls of blubber turn you off. Nope, you’ll grin and bear it when she commands you to dive down and snuffle around in her rhinoceros labia until she’s climaxed.
The sad photos above remind me of the time I dumped my wife for getting fat. I do hope she has managed to carry on without me.