Feed on

Porker Potential

If you insist on ignoring the plain facts of day and all the advice I give here, and act against your self-interest by getting married, you should at least take care to avoid investing in any product that carries a high risk of MASSIVELY depreciating after the first bite of wedding cake. You don’t want to be left holding a penny stock wife who has ballooned up and lost all her initial value. You’ll want to screen for Porker Potential.

There are a few red flags you should learn to spot before blowing your wad on that whore status symbol engagement ring. Commenter Married But Cool noted in the comments to this post the following risk factors:

I’m quite sure we could somehow develop a scientific method to quantify this objectively, taking such factors into account as:

* age
* height
* pounds currently overweight
* current weight of mother
* weight history
* build characteristics

Usually, men can intuitively see this coming.  Its offensive to me when I see this happen.  Its the same as a guy being industrious when he is dating, and becoming and unemployed couch potato after marriage.

Age is certainly important. Older women have slower metabolisms, and if they hadn’t adopted good exercise and eating habits in their youth then they certainly won’t develop those habits later in life.

Obviously, her current BMI is a dead giveaway. Marrying a fat girl with a pretty face (you guesstimate) in the hopes that you can motivate her to lose weight with your persuasive charms and loving encouragement is a recipe for disappointment. Nothing short of electroshock therapy or breaking up with you to hunt for new men will cause her to lose the weight. You’re not a woman; you don’t want a “project” on your hands.

If she was thin in the past but got fat while she was with you, and you think this means your love can inspire her to recapture her former slender glory, you can forget it. She got fat because she disrespects you as a man. Any woman who respects her man also respects his sexual needs, and that means keeping a slender hourglass figure. I know some couples who get fat together because subconsciously it gives them a feeling of comfortable security that neither one is attractive to any other human being, and therefore unable to cheat — we call these couples “losers”. The strongest marriages are those where each partner knows the other has options, but the man has slightly more options than the woman.

Probably the BIGGEST factor is whether she was a former fatty. Past porkiness is no guarantee of future fatassery, but it comes damn close. Look at her old childhood, high school, and college photos. Was she a fat kid? You’ve got two weeks, tops, of hot honeymoon sex before the cottage cheese ripples like a flesh tsunami across her ass.

The second biggest factor is the size of her mother. Is this your girlfriend’s future?:

Then run for the hills.

Race is another factor. Thin Asian chicks rarely get fat after marriage. Stay away from Mexicans. Starch bombs!

Also screen for an inordinate love of food. Girls who are obsessed with food favor gastronomic satisfaction over sexual satisfaction. You want a girl who likes to cook… for you. On her own time she nibbles asparagus sprigs.

Personality traits are important for screening. Watch for chronically depressed girls. When a girl is depressed, she turns to heavy fatty foods to lift her mood. Don’t think you can substitute for food as her mood-lifter. No man has ever been able to compete with pastries for the heart of a depressed girl. The biofeedback is simply too intense; the fatter she grows, the sadder she feels, and the more she eats to alleviate the pain. If you’re lucky, she’ll turn to drugs instead. Heroin chic beats Lane Bryant lardo any day.

Finally, you’ll want to check for telltale physical signs of the coming fatocalypse. These are found in the plumpness of her earlobes, the depth of hang of her upper arms, a nascent FUPA crease or neck wattle, the number of inches her inner thighs touch when she stands, the protrusion of her outer labia, the pendulousness of her breasts, her ankle and wrist circumference, the pocket of fat that sits above the hips, and any hint of a joey pouch, among others.

Here is a handy chart for predicting the odds your girlfriend will bloat up after she enslaves you and your assets with a marriage contract.

Girlfriend’s Current Status                             Odds of Post-Wedding Bloat

21 years old
Current BMI: 19
No previous fatness
Her mom: MILF
Asian                                                                            0%
Small recipe book with your favorite meals
Cures her depression with sex
Thin wrists, ankles, and arms

36 years old
Current BMI: 25
Former fatty
Her mom: Orca
Mexican                                                                       100%
Library of cookbooks signed by Emeril
Gothically depressed
Cures her depression with fudge


Comments are closed.