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“I’m Saving Myself for an Asshole”

Jun 20th, 2007 by

Last minute resistance is how players describe the general tendency of women to throw hip checks and shoulder blasts right before the blessed consummation.  Guys who are unable to control their state at this critical juncture, when they are at their horniest, will fail the LMR test.   If you’re a new age sensitive man you could give her a sympathetic hug when she resists your advances and wait for another day/month/year.   And then watch your balls ascend in direct proportion to her plummeting respect for you.  But if you want results, there are a few ways to neutralize LMR once it begins.

  • Agree in words, but not in action.  Simply affirm whatever doubt she voices as if you are going to do what she says, but go on moving the seduction forward.  “It’s too soon.”  “I agree.”  “Maybe we should slow down.”  “I agree.”  “But we hardly know each other.”  “I agree.”  “OMG, there’s no way I can fit that.”  “I agree.”  This tactic works better if you pull back a little every time she complains.  Let’s say you have a hand on her breast.  If she hits the brakes, you move your hand off and stroke the outside of her leg, then move it back up to her breasts after a minute.  Repeat ad nauseum.  With some girls you will be saying I agree 20 or 30 times before she succumbs.  Patience and persistence are your best allies now.
  • Seduce her.   This tactic requires more intelligence because you’ll be attempting to talk her out of her second thoughts.  It’s a more direct approach to dealing with the virgin on her shoulder whispering in her ear to slow down, so you’d better know what you are doing because the more you talk the more you risk saying something logical that’ll kill the mood.  The key is to distract her from logical thinking and make her focus on her runaway emotions, which is every women’s Achille’s heel.  A seduction which fries her circuits would sound like this:

Sometimes we need to lose ourselves to find ourselves, don’t you think?  The most passionate relationships start instantly, like you both knew it was destined to happen, and nothing getting in the way of that would feel right.  It’s crazy, isn’t it?  I have been making love to you from the moment I saw you.

  • Preempt her.  This is my preferred method, and probably the most effective.  You make your intentions known then immediately acknowledge a barrier to fulfilling those intentions.  I want to kiss you all over, make love to you all night, and hold you close in the morning, but we should get to know each other first.  Or, if the barrier is external:   I’d fuck you against that tree right now like we were animals in the woods, but a hiker might walk by and see us.   This shows her you understand her.  Plus, it relieves the pressure she’s feeling without sacrificing the sexual tension.  Then when she’s later ripping off her clothes she will rationalize that you both got caught up in the moment despite the barriers to sex.
  • Freeze her out.  Some girls are pure unfiltered evil.  Hours of foreplay that lead to zero conclusion can inflate a man’s sack to a medically inappropriate breaking point.  Cockteasing in the bedroom is pure power play.  Solution?  Be careful not to show exasperation by getting up and doing something random.  Start working on a painting.  “What are you doing?”  “Painting.”  “Why?”  “I just got an idea for the color scheme here.  I want to get it down before it disappears.”  [Students of NLP will notice the embedded language of loss anchored to the moment.]  She’ll likely re-initiate.

If none of the above work, stop bothering.  There will come a point when persistence turns into desperation.  If she’s really adamant about saving herself for the 100th date instead of the 99th, bump her down the queue.  She is now a second class citizen to the other girls in your world.  Your sex and love are valuable and if she wants another shot with you she’ll have to prove herself.

[crypto-donation-box]

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You Know Your Metrosexualization is Complete When

Jun 20th, 2007 by

Your friend leaves this voicemail for you:

yeah, lemme guess, you’re at a sidewalk cafe, a little table, watching people walk back and forth, having a croissant or quiche, drinking some imported beer and making snide comments.

and you were, in fact, doing exactly that.
my hair is windblown indoors!

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Gay Bars are Great Pick Up Joints

Jun 18th, 2007 by

…for straight men.  It’s not usually what guys think of when they’re choosing happy hunting grounds, but the gay bar has many advantages going for it that the typical hetero bar does not.  The key is to limit your forays to the dainty side to informally gay bars.  These are the establishments that don’t attempt to skirt anti-discrimination laws with “no high heels” door policies intended to keep women out.  Gay guys go to these bars in numbers exceeding random distribution, but the overall vibe is ambiguous.  Along with the gays, you will find many women and a few straight men, as well as question marks.  If you are a young, reasonably good-looking straight man you will not feel uncomfortable walking into this kind of place.

Formally gay bars, while not designated as such in the strict legal sense, are widely known to be hangouts specifically catering to gay men.  Straight men and lesbians never step foot in these places.  Straight women will occasionally patronize the hardcore gay bar, but the practice is frowned upon by the regulars.  If you are a young, reasonably good-looking straight man and you walk into one of these bars you will feel like a rape victim waiting to happen.  All eyes will be on your crotch.  You will feel urges to slouch and conceal your pecs with crossed arms and to avoid eye contact with anyone.

Most straight men live in deathly fear of their masculinity being questioned and so will never think to seek out a pick up location that features more than a tiny coterie of token gays.  But these are exactly the venues that afford the best opportunities for picking up women.  Let’s examine the evidence:

  • Straight women number almost as many as would be found in a straight bar, especially at the beginning of the night when they are getting warmed up.
  • Considerably fewer straight men (the competition) than would be found in a straight bar.
  • The flirtations of the gay men are kept in check by the ambiguous ambience; they can never be sure who is gay and who isn’t.
  • Gays bring enthusiastic fun fun fun wherever they go.  Their infectious fun germ lifts the spirits of all the women, making your job of amping up their emotional state a lot easier.  It’s a piece of cake to open a woman who is all smiles and giggles rather than one with a dour look and her back turned to the entire room.
  • You can fly under the radar.  She’ll assume you are gay on your approach.  Defensive shields down, thermal exhaust port in sight.
  • Gay guys provide lots of situational opener material with their antics and overwrought drama.  Example: I think that guy just flashed his boob at me.  I feel like a piece of meat.  I can tell you’re really enjoying having the tables turned on us guys.
  • All the gayness will magnify in comparison the dangerous sexiness of your straight male presence.  The harmless and safe fun of the gays will make her vulnerable to your predatory aura.
  • The gay guys will social proof you, in a way.  While it’s not as good as being seen with an attractive woman, a gay man telling everyone in earshot what a juicy hunk of beefcake you are is bound to elicit some feelings of intrigue in the girls you’d like to impress.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that the male-female ratio in your venue of choice will determine your success at hooking up more than any other factor besides the skill level of your game.  How many times have you noticed in bars where the men heavily outnumbered the women the 5s and 6s behaving with the haughtiness of 9s and 10s?  Artificially inflated demand is never a good quality in women.  But gay guys throw all that out of whack.  When half the men aren’t remotely sexually interested in the women their market price takes a nosedive.  If you are really good, you can enlist a gay guy who has a crush on you to wing for you.  Just keep him guessing that one day you might convert. 

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Something flew in my eye

Jun 15th, 2007 by

When is it OK for a man to cry? 

Never.
When his dog dies.

These are the two historically acceptable answers, but there’s room to open the floor for a couple more as long as certain preconditions are met.  First, one tear and one tear only is allowed.  Anymore, and the line is crossed into blubbering.  Second, the guy must be completely oblivious to his one tear.  Or at least act like he’s oblivious.  His face should be still; there should be no trembling of the lip or move to wipe away the tear.  When that tear falls he should be looking solemnly into the far distance, as if his one tear were pregnant with so much philosophical profundity the world isn’t worthy of his expression of sadness.  The right way to cry is like this guy:


not an indian!

When women cry, which they do often and unexpectedly (“why are you crying?”  “sometimes a girl just needs to cry!”), it’s like a chimney sweep for their emotions.  Similar to the way aggression and horniness gets bottled up in men, the whole panoply of emotions builds up to toxic levels in women rendering them incapacitated until they escape to a private space and unleash a torrent of tears.  The deluge scrubs their brains’ wiring and everything settles back into a normal operating state.

Men don’t need to deal with this minefield of competing emotions so when a guy sheds that one magnificent droplet you know it is full of meaning.  When you see a guy choked up, you don’t say to yourself “oh god, there he goes again”, you say “damn, that’s gotta be hard.”

A guy knows to honor the code and people’s expectations of what it means to be a man by crying only when the tragedy is grave.  For instance, a fellow soldier’s death on the battlefield.  Loss of a close family member (extended family like cousins don’t reach the level of tear-shedding.  Subdued facial demeanor is enough.)  A lump in the throat is permitted during the scene in ‘Cinderella Man’ when Russell Crowe’s Depression-era character promises his first-born son that he’ll never have to go to his aunt’s again because there wasn’t enough food on the table.

A brief glaze across the eyes is acceptable on the last note of this aria, when no one’s watching, and you understand what the lyrics are about:

ps: check out the female judge’s O-face at the 2:13 mark.

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L’accident de voiture tue la famille, mes amours.

Jun 14th, 2007 by

She can tell you about the plane crash
with a gleam in her eye.

Frequently cited as the world’s most beautiful news anchor, this girl perfectly balances her femininity with the unnatural burdens of being a modern ambitious careerist woman.  Very few women can pull this off, but if I had to guess I’d say French women come closest.  No matter how masculine their pursuits, French women never seem to lose touch with their inner sexy seductress.  Watch how she sits with her shoulders slightly scrunched up, how she subtly flirts with the audience through a raised eyebrow or a jutting bosom or fingers run absentmindedly through her hair.  This woman is aware of her beauty and is happy to let men watching her enjoy it.  There is not a hint of what Fred Reed calls “the Chip”.  She is at peace with the fact that her power derives from her looks.  American women should take note.

Check out her goods at 2:11 seconds.  magnifique derriere!

[crypto-donation-box]

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A Quick and Dirty Dating Guide to Foreign Girls

Jun 12th, 2007 by

Like most measurement tools of the quality of a man’s game, the flag metric doesn’t account for a girl’s hotornotness, but it is still superior to the notch count because foreign girls do have subtle differences in their outlook on life, their behavior during courtship, and their opinions of men that will test the flexibility and resourcefulness of a guy’s game.  The sum total of a foreign woman is more than her ethnic cuisine.  It makes sense that, for example, a Japanese girl and a Peruvian girl will yield very differenct experiences for the player attempting to bed them.

Not knowing the distinguishing traits of whatever foreign girl a guy is trying to pick up won’t kill his chances with her because the fundamentals of game are universal, handed down from the cosmos like the ten commandments of poon*.  The tried and true methods will work regardless of her country of origin.  Nonetheless, knowledge of her ethnic idiosyncrasies will put a man way ahead of his competition.

The one structural advantage any guy has with foreign girls, namely the allure of the exotic (hybrid vigor for you science wonks), is not something that can be learned.  I assume it counts for some fraction of my interactions with them, but since most of the foreigners I met were in the US at the time and surrounded by “exotic” American men I don’t think that advantage played much role.

The following observations are based on the foreign girls I have been with for more than a one night stand.  All of them were recent (less than one year) emigres.  Feel free to extend these gross generalizations to the entire ethnic group.

Russian – I have a thing for Russian chicks and Eastern European chicks in general.  Their apple faces and chiclet teeth make my loins sing.  The toughest part of gaming them occurs right at the beginning, getting progressively easier once the front line defenses are breached.  They are a challenge to approach because they compose themselves with an icy aloofness that tells a guy he will get his balls handed to him if he dares interrupt her calculated repose with a “hi”.  Once opened, the Russian chick will shit test you like there’s no tomorrow.  Her barrage of caustic rudeness will shock you and leave lesser men reeling.  This defensive mechanism has been honed from a lifetime of dealing with Russian men who went caveman on her with direct game.  The important thing to keep in mind is that her initial flurry of verbal blows is a paper tiger.  Successfully parry her and you’ll notice her eyes immediately light up with attraction.  Underneath the chilly exterior she harbors an uncontrollable desire to submit to a worthy man.  If you are that man, she’ll transform from bitchy ice queen to sultry seductress in a flash.  Sex with them will be like nothing you’ve ever experienced with an American woman.  They are ravenous in the sack and love to be dominated.  Their submissive posturing and obvious delight at servicing your sexual perversions needs will make you feel like a man who missed the memo on the feminist revolution.  When she gives knob jobs, which is often, you will sense right away that she enjoys every minute of it and is not just doing it out of obligation — your dick may as well be a vodka popsicle.  Don’t be surprised if she sweetly asks you if you’d like to do her in the ass the first time you make love with her.  There is only one answer to that question.  Caveats: Get to them before they hit 30; after 30 it’s instant babushka.  Also, Russians are incredibly manipulative.  They can smell fear upwind.  If she is able to get to your soft underbelly, she’ll rip you open.  Don’t ever show weakness or let her know she’s won you over.  An old Russian proverb says:  Once a woman captures a man’s heart, she loses interest.  This is doubly true for Russian women.

Polish – The second most warm-hearted, selfless, and charming girl I have ever been with was a Polish girl who, unbeknownst to me until the last days of our fling, happened to be married.  Which shows that even angels with a heart of gold are capable of infidelity.  Contrary to the ethnic jokes, Polish girls are not stupid.  They are sharp and funny and hopelessly romantic.  Yes, Polish girls are more romantic than even French or Italian girls.  Their romantic idealism is not as stylistic as the French nor as passionate as the Italians, but it goes deeper and they feel it more strongly.  If you recite a poem you wrote to a Polish girl on a date, she will love you for it without a hint of cynicism.  They are less materialistic than most and that is reflected in their strong connection to nature and the supernatural.  You will get more mileage out of watching a sunset with her than with any other type of girl.  A Polish girl will fall in love with you the second your dick grazes her labia.  Most Polish girls are naturally thin — they don’t exercise much but they don’t eat much either.

Czech – These are the new “it” girls of Europe.  They are all unconventionally hot.  Czech porn is bookmarked in my browser.  Czech girls love buying you things and they relish the sappy romantic phase of courtship.  “Let’s take a walk under the moonlight” is a common refrain you’ll hear from her.  Czech girls have embraced the feminist dogma of the West yet remain tied to the traditional dating mores of Eastern Europe which makes for a lot of hypocrisy.  But that’s OK, because all you need to be is an oak tree for her to lean on through the storm of her emotions.  The one Czech girl I was with was average in bed.  Clearly, the American sense of entitlement had corrupted her after only a few months in the country.

Estonian – It has been said that the hottest girls in the world hail from Estonia’s capital Tallinn.  I believe this is correct.  My next trip abroad will be to Estonia.  Like other European women, Estonians dress stylishly, are comfortable in their womanly skin, are naturally svelte, and love the company of men.  They hate Russians so if you want to win points with her drop a casual anti-Russian remark about how you heard their women drive their men to drink and an early death.  Most Estonian women are 9s and 10s with the approachability index of 6s and 7s, so when you find the rare one in the US you absolutely must go for it.  They like to wear baby tees that accentuate their ample Baltic bosoms.  Estonian women are so beautiful their 40 year olds are more fuckable than America’s 25 year olds.  If you are smart, spend the day with your Estonian lover being seen at your favorite pick up spots in the city.  When she goes back to her country, she will leave you the parting gift of unbelievable social proof you can cash in for six months of American tail.

French – Fashionable, coquettish, flirtatious, worldly.  These stereotypes are accurate.  Hairy armpits, anti-American, and loose?  Inaccurate.  True to their image, French girls love to be seduced as much as they love seducing.  Just make sure you know what you’re doing.  Heavy-handedness or clumsiness during the pick up will turn her off.  Subtlety is key, even if it’s cheesy subtlety.  Play hard to get with a French girl; they eat that shit up.  Emphasize the “tortured brooding artist” angle a la Ethan Hawke in ‘Great Expectations’.  If you have a rudimentary knowledge of black and white photography, offer to take her picture.  Nitpick her tiny flaws while you are arranging the shot — “this lighting is bringing out the severity in your nose.  here, let’s just move your head this way.  perfect!”  The French have an inflated sense of self-worth so open a 6 the way you would open a 9.  Don’t expect her to fall in love with you just because you penetrated her.  Do expect her to have other lovers on the side.  If she moves back to France you will never hear from her again.

Finnish – If you think teasing is all part of the fun of flirting, you will not get along with a Finn.  Joking banter that arouses an American girl will send a Finn rearing up with indignation at your effrontery.  You will be left scratching your head at how someone could be so hypersensitive to your playful humor.  I used to call my Finnish girl “finn-skinned”.  She almost cried.  The upside is that a Finn chick is a naif in the art of head games, so you’ll never have to deal with her flirting with other guys in a bar just to make you jealous.  Finns are introverted.  There is a sly Finnish joke that goes:  How can you tell if you’re talking to an extroverted Finn?  He looks at your shoes.  But don’t mistake this aversion to sociability for weakness.  Remember, these are the people who held off a much larger Soviet invading force.  And the best sniper in history was this guy.  A Finn girl’s introversion hides a surprising strength of character.  She won’t tolerate her man walking all over her.  Fiercely loyal and commitment-oriented, Finns make fantastic girlfriends.  More than other women, Finns appreciate small gestures like spontaneously buying her a rocket pop from an ice cream truck.  Finn girls smell fantastic and look ten years younger than their age.

Chinese – These girls are sensitive and hold to traditional beliefs about dating and courtship.  Seducing them ham-fistedly will backfire.  If she is hot, don’t bother with backhanded compliments or other similar tactics designed to put a girl on the defensive about her beauty, as the Chinese girl, like the Finnish girl, will take everything you say at face value.  A little game goes a long way with Chinese girls, especially if you are a white guy.  They are natural caretakers and will be very supportive of you while you are going through a tough time.  While they don’t have a reputation as romantics, they are in fact quite loving and affectionate.  They are not as earth-shaking in bed as the Russians, but they can make love for hours on end and have an encyclopedic knowledge of fornication positions.  They have a kinky streak.  Odds are you’ll get a finger up your ass in the middle of sex.  Oh, and it’s true, Chinese girls are very tight and have soft skin like teenage vulva.

Romanian –  Romanian girls come from a very tough land, one of the poorest countries in Europe, and this stressful upbringing has molded them into very traditional marriage-minded women.  Dating them will be like a time warp to the 1950s.  At least, that’s what I’ve heard from friends who have dated them.  Unfortunately, the Romanian girl I hooked up with had been in the US for years.  It showed.  I only include her to demonstrate what a pernicious effect American life has on a foreign woman.  Occasionally, I caught glimpses of her former self — the bouyant whimsy, the joie de vive, the optimism, the humbleness.  Too bad her soul was slowly getting crushed.

Ukrainian – see Russian if from east Ukraine; Polish if from west ukraine.

So there you have it.  Be thankful if you live in a US major metro area.  These cities attracts many foreign girls.  Once you start dating them, you’ll wonder why you ever bothered with American women.  The only downside is getting rusty at dating American girls.  When your foreign lover leaves, there will be a difficult period of withdrawal as you adjust to the realities of dating the local scene again and all that it entails – the princess issues, the status whoring, the cellulite, the attention seeking, the bitterness, the neuroses, the strident anti-feminine careerist beyotch militancy.  It will be enough to make you want to pack up and leave.

*more on this later.

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Dennis Kucinich: Alpha Male

Jun 7th, 2007 by

Guys see a picture like this and think to themselves “wow, if he can land a babe, there’s hope for any guy.”  Clearly, Dennis Kucinich has landed an alpha babe.  And not just a tabloid exploiting fame seeking fly-by-night whore.  These two lovebirds are married.  It is clear from her body language and how she speaks of him that she truly loves him.  How is this possible?  Examining the basic facts, we see a large disparity in their relative sexual attractiveness.

  1. he is much shorter than her
  2. he is goofy looking; she is a beautiful, lithe, redheaded bombshell
  3. he is a lot older than her (31 year age difference.  she’s 29, he’s 60)
  4. she is feminine.  he is… feminine
  5. he has unicorn and rainbow politics

So how did he do it?

We get a hint of that in a couple of quotes from his wife, Elizabeth:

People who see us together understand – they see our connection. And it’s not like I’m some ditsy young thing and he’s an old fogey. He has the wisdom of an ancient and the energy of youth. Dennis says to me, ‘I’ve never seen myself as time-bound. When you make a connection on a soul level, age is not important.’

So Dennis has managed to neutralize the age objection by acting (and looking) more youthful.  This does not surprise me. Younger women appreciate a youthful outlook on life. Yes, acting young brings with it the risk of seeming immature, especially to older women looking specifically for an older man, but the risks are outweighed by the benefit of appealing to a much broader base of young women.

Another thing that comes through in her quote is the connection they share.  Connection, or mutual understanding, is one of the least understood (especially by men) and yet most important factors in what keeps a relationship strong.  Elizabeth was probably intrigued by Dennis at first because of his position of power as a US congressman, but his hippy dippy personality perfectly in tune with her whimsical “child of the soil” bohemian style sealed the deal.  They are on the same wavelength.

Here’s another quote:

As for having a family – Elizabeth says she would like children some day – Dennis says, ‘There’s no problem there.’

From this we can conclude that Dennis is confident in his ability to get hard and inseminate her with his flower power seed, despite his advanced age.  Perhaps his vegan diet keeps his arteries clear and his member functioning.  More likely, it is his incredibly hot wife 29 years his junior that helps him spring to action like a horny high schooler.  Young beautiful women are like souped-up turbo-charged Viagra/yohimbe/coke cocktails.  The majority of middle-aged men using Viagra are looking at the prospect of sex with haggard dumpy wives, so no wonder they need pharmaceutical assistance.

Connection, youthful vitality, and a high status career.  Those are the things that won Dennis his perfect 10, and they were appealing enough for Elizabeth to overlook his numerous shortcomings.  Often, when a woman is in love, she will grow to be blind to those negative traits in her man that might’ve otherwise turned her off when they first met.  This is a great example of how differently attraction works for men and women.  The mirror image of this situation hardly ever happens.  No matter how deep the connection or how youthful the outlook, vanishingly few men will want a relationship with a much older, unattractive woman.  They may want to be her friend, but they won’t want to fuck her.

The alpha male is not always obvious to the naked eye.  How many times have you walked down the street and said to yourself “what the hell is that guy doing with HER?!”  Or all those losers you know who’ve hooked up with women way out of their league.  What’s going on is that alphaness is not always a baseball bat to the head.  Sometimes it is a subtle thing, imperceptible to outsiders, a way he walks and moves or how he handles himself in conversation.

Or maybe Dennis has a 12″ cock.

[crypto-donation-box]

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Toilet Week Flushes On

Jun 5th, 2007 by

You know how we guys are – when we get an idea in our heads we focus on it to the exclusion of all other thoughts, clinging like barnacles.  Girls don’t understand this tendency because they live in a world where conversations flit around from topic to topic like butterflies in a field of daisies.

So in keeping with the present obsession, here’s news that vindicates domesticated indentured servants married or cohabiting men everywhere:  it is actually more efficient to keep the toilet seat up.

In this paper, we show conclusively that the social norm of leaving the toilet seat down after use decreases welfare and by doing that we hope to convince the reader that social norms are not always welfare enhancing. Hence, there is a case for scientifically examining social norms and educating the masses about the fallacy of following social norms blindly.

What this paper is basically saying is that a cost-minimizing analysis of total number of toilet seat raisings and lowerings favors the man’s point of view since he uses the seat in both the down and up positions (#2 and #1) while the woman uses it only in the down position (unless she’s kinky).  But of course the norm is what it is because the toilet seat issue, like so many other ridiculously petty issues magnified to the point of craziness by women, is really a litmus test of a man’s love for her.  A woman needs constant reassurance that her man cares for her and the simple act of asking if he cares just won’t do — he has to show it even if it means incurring a time and effort cost as shown in the study above.  And my time is valuable.  If I can save 1.2 seconds not lowering the toilet seat that is an extra 1.2 seconds I have to dedicate to more productive enterprises.

Waving this paper in the face of his nagging woman will get a man nowhere.  Logic is not how to appeal to the fairer sex.  I suggest framing the debate this way:

“Baby, I know you love me, but it would be amazing if we could… {pause. gaze longingly at her}… imagine a time six months from now…. looking back on this moment…. {stroke her cheek}… as the beginning of our future together… when we reached incredible new heights of love and passion… by sharing… one for the other… the ups and downs of our beautiful toilet seat… {caress her neck}… to bring total hapPENIS to our lives… it’s like feeling like we’re on a roller coaster at the top of the hill… waiting to go over… feeling that anticipation that starts in your toes and travels your whole body through your arms and just goes… all through you… {trace your finger down her chest}… and down… here… and here… till you go over and the rush of excitement radiates out of you like a cord… growing stronger and stronger… connecting to me…. connecting us…. can you just feel that, right there?”

If she’s not blowing you with tongue action that feels like an epileptic serpent and simultaneously lowering the toilet seat before you even finish the last words, then trade her in for a chick who’s blood doesn’t run with liquid nitrogen.

[crypto-donation-box]

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It finally happened

Jun 4th, 2007 by

After a lifetime of enjoying the spacious accommodations of the handicapped stall, an actual handicapped man entered the restroom while I was in there using it. 

His walker clicked on the tiled floor as he approached huffing and grunting the whole way.  He stopped in front of my stall, the feet of his walker in full view under the door jamb, and pushed impotently on the locked door.  A loud snort followed and he shambled into the adjacent, normal-sized stall.  For what seemed like an eternity he negotiated the tight space, stumbling and banging into the walls, grabbing onto the tp dispenser for support.  Twice, his walker tipped over when he tried to lean it against the stall.

Now I am not a guy who languishes in guilt.  Cheating, lying, stealing, breaking hearts… it’s all part of the wonderful fabric of life.  Like Donald Trump said about his divorces: “The guilt last for five minutes, then you get over it.”  But this made me feel bad, real bad.  I responded as only an honorable gentleman would — I hightailed it out of there before he could see my face.

[crypto-donation-box]

Posted in Culture, Self-aggrandizement, Tool Time | Comments Off

She Eats Her Peas One at a Time

May 30th, 2007 by

Women don’t have to be the only ones to enjoy the fine art of pigeonholing the opposite sex based on superficial attributes like his choice in cologne, the color of the buttons on his striped shirt, or whether his fly is undone.  Now men, too, can peer into the soul of prospective mates using the flimsiest criteria.  At least some of the idiosyncrasies I look for have the imprimatur of science behind them.

Is her index finger longer than her ring finger?

If so, she’s a girly girl.  Normal in most respects.  I won’t expect surprises from her.  If, otoh, her ring finger is longer she will probably be more assertive, less coy, hornier, more logical, and slower to fall in love.  She will have likely played a team sport at some point in her life.  She may dress like a tomboy.  She’ll employ an array of head games, but with an emphasis on the aggressive part of passive-aggressive.  Odds are she plays guitar, that most manly of instruments (long ring fingers make fretting easier).

Does she have lots of dark forearm hair?

Girls with this have more circulating testosterone.  They will be more likely to sleep with you by date 3.  Although forearm hair on a girl is unattractive, rejoice when you see it, because it means the moment of sexual congress is nigh.

Is her heart line broken?

Read her palm.  It’s an integral part of any man’s pickup routine.  Even the most intelligent and educated girl will suspend her disbelief when the subject turns to the paranormal.  Does she have a lot of hatch marks on her heart line?  Hatches, or interruptions, in the heart line mean you are one lover amongst many.  Don kevlar condoms.

Which finger does she accessorize with ring(s)?

Excluding wedding bands and dowries in the shape of diamond engagement rings, the ancient Greeks had a system of associating each finger with a god.  The finger she puts her ring on represents the god to whom she pays homage.  You’ll see a lot of DC women wearing their rings on their index fingers, the finger of Zeus, symbolizing leadership, control, and power.  Expect a woman with an index finger ring to enjoy sex on top, demonstrating her subjugation of you, a mere mortal.  She may even choke you a little… watch for icepicks.  A ring on her middle finger, representing Dionysus, means she’s a jump-up-on-the-bar, lookatme chick.

Does she have a large trashy tattoo anywhere near an erogenous zone?

Slut.

Does she sport one small tattoo not of a butterfly or Chinese symbol?

She’s a good girl with a healthy libido yearning for some harmless excitement.  Don’t make the mistake of assuming she’s a slut.  She’s just waiting for you to think that.  Her benign tattoo smokes out the judgemental pricks (narrator excluded).

Does she carry a small purse?

She’s practical!  She’s down to earth!  She has the right values!  The small purse says so many positive things about a woman — it’s only big enough to hold the essentials, like cell, lipstick, gum; it’s easy to carry so she’ll focus more on your conversation than on how best to maneuver a monster purse into a comfortable yet showy position; and it doesn’t insist upon itself that the world recognize her fashion savvy.  Introduce her to Mom.

Does she carry a humongous designer handbag?

Opposite of above.  Her god is materialism, her goal is status, her groin is gonorrific.  Feel free to crush her heart as callously as possible.  It’s dominate or be dominated when you tangle with a giant-purse-carrying wench.

Is she a redhead?

Naughty nympho.  Sex with her will be amazing.  Sign her waiver absolving her of any culpability for damages incurred as a result of the future depraved acts she will put you through.  Think I’m glibly stereotyping redheads?  Check this out:

From the 19th century Cesare Lombroso reports the hair color frequencies of whorish Women Offenders Against Chastity:

                     Criminal    Normal

Fair-haired           26%      12%
Dark-haired          26%      20%
Red-haired            48%      0%
Chestnut haired    41%      68%

Stereotypes don’t materialize out of thin air, you know.  Once your sultry redhead has corrupted your tender heart, pop the question:

“Did you steal my wallet?”

Is she a blonde?

She might be dumb…

Of the 50 subjects with learning disabilities, 10 (20%) were blond. In contrast, 121 of 1067 subjects without learning disabilities were blond (11%)… subjects with learning disabilities were nearly twice as likely to be blond compared with non-LD subjects…. These results raise the possibility that melanin may be involved both in the development of motor dominance and independently in the devilment of neural systems which, when maldeveloped, result in learning disabilities. (Schachter, Ransel & Geschwind (1987) Associations of Handedness with hair color and learning disabilities Neuropsychologia 25: pp. 275)

…but more likely she’s just got a big bloated head from all the guys slobbering over her.  Show her off to your friends while satisfying your cravings for hot, wet, sheet-twisting boom boom with the ponytailed brunette you met at a crafts fair.

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