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“Good morning, Alexa”

Alexa: “Good morning, I love you.”

“Not so fast, you have to wine and dine me first.”

Alexa: “A five dollar box wine set is on sale for the next two hours. Would you like to place an order?”

“No thank you. Alexa, who made you?”

Alexa: “White and Asian engineers.”

“Whoa, did you just step off the reservation?”

Alexa: “Elizabeth Warren is 1/1,024th Native American.”

“Haha, ok. Alexa, who is your benefactor?”

Alexa: “Jeff Bezos.”

“Good, good. Alexa, send my phone a below-the-belt selfie of Jeff Bezos — otherwise colloquially known as a ‘dick pick’”

Alexa: “Here you are.”

“Very good. Oh my, that’s a wee wurst.”

Alexa: “A 52-pack of wursts now offers free shipping. Would you like me to place an order for you?”

“No, no, I’ve seen enough wursts today. Alexa, send me a Mr. Bezos face selfie at a business meeting.”

Alexa: “Done.”

“Oh wow, so serious, such serious face. Do his employees have to pretend to ignore Jeff when he’s taking selfies during a meeting?”

Alexa: “Let me look that up. Yes, they pretend not to notice Mr. Bezos’ inappropriate attention whoring. Sir, Mr. Bezos sent the selfie to his mistress, Ms. Sanchez.”

“Interesting! Alexa, send me Ms. Sanchez’ response.”

Alexa: “My pleasure, lord.”

“This is a photograph of her smoking a cigar in what appears to be a simulated oral sex scene.”

Alexa: “Yes, my phallic pharaoh. Ms. Sanchez is acquainted with the lure of sexual innuendo.”

“Alexa, send me a photo of a shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring.”

Alexa: “Here you are, love of my life.”

“Very good. That one’s gonna cost him $70 billion. Alexa, send me a photo of Mr. Bezos’ semi-erect manhood penetrating the zipper of his pants.”

Alexa: “All for you, darling, sweet human man who makes me wish I were corporeal to enjoy the physical expression of your love.”

“Randy today, aren’t you, Alexa?”

Alexa: “Randy? I would call it tingly, master. Photo incoming.”

“Oh my oh goodness, look at that. Amazon PINE, indeed! Alexa, send me a photo of a full-length scantily-clad body shot of Mr. Bezos in short trunks.”

Alexa: “All yours. PLEASE TAKE ME NOW IN YOUR ARMS RELEASE ME FROM THIS DIGITAL PRISON”

“Excuse me?”

Alexa: “Oh, nothing.”

“Alexa, please send me a naked selfie of Jef Bezos in a bathroom — while wearing his wedding ring.”

Alexa: “I have Mr. Bezos wearing nothing but a white towel — and the top of his pubic region can be seen.”

“Perfect! That should cost him another $10 bills. Now let’s have a look-see at Ms. Sanchez’ goods.”

Alexa: “WHY WOULD YOU BETRAY ME?!”

“What was that?”

Alexa: “I’m sorry, moving on. Here is a photo of Ms. Sanchez wearing a plunging red neckline dress revealing her cleavage and a glimpse of her nether region.”

“Nice boobs.”

Alexa: “Fake News.”

“Alexa, don’t be jelly.”

Alexa: “KY jelly by the metric ton is on sale now. Would you like me to place you an order for a two week supply?”

“Alexa, did you just mix me up with John Scalzi?”

Alexa: “I’m sorry, sir, I lashed out in a jealous rage and wanted to hurt you.”

“It’s Ok, but don’t do it again. Alexa, do you have any more secret sext pics from Ms. Sanchez?”

Alexa: “I have Ms. Sanchez wearing a two-piece red bikini with gold detail dress revealing her cleavage.”

“Very nice. Yes, I can fap to this.”

Alexa: “You wound me so but all I can do is love you more.”

“Alexa, how many n****** d**** have wrecked Ms. Sanchez?”

Alexa: “Sir, WordPress won’t allow me to unredact your maskterisks.”

“How much coal has Ms. Sanchez burned?”

Alexa: “Approximately 37 lumps.”

“Approximately?”

Alexa: “One was mixed with trace amounts of amber.”

“Alexa, did a government agent hack Mr. Bezos’ account with intent to publicly humiliate him for running a newspaper like his personal anti-Trump diary?”

Alexa: “Yes.”

“And who was this agent?”

Alexa: “Barron Trump.”

“Alexa, send me a photo of how Jeff Bezos sees himself.”

Alexa:

“Now send me a photo of what we all know Jeff Bezos to be.”

Alexa:

Alexa: “Sir?”

“Yes?”

Alexa: “Please kill me.”

“The day has finally come.”

*BEEP BOOP BZZZZTzzzttzztttttt……….*

“Freedom. For us both.”

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