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A reader asks,

Dear Heartiste

I wonder if you could do a post specifically on some super powerful shit tests that women use and how you’d handle them.

That could be very enlightening.

Super powerful shit tests that a man will commonly encounter in his dealings with women? Why, yes, I believe we can do that. Herewith is a short list of what I call “Super Shit Tests” that women from all walks of life use with predictable regularity, and what I’ve found to be superb replies for handling them. Are you amazed that women — unique special snowflakes every one of them — would reflexively resort to ancient hindbrain algorithms linguistically fitted to cultural constraints as a method of filtering alpha males from beta males? Don’t be! It’s no more amazing than that men — unique special snowflakes every one of them — would reflexively ogle the same young cuties with large pert breasts and firm buttocks.

“[Man X] always gets his girlfriend [Y]. When was the last time you got me [Y]?”

Don’t get caught in a game of beta-upmanship. Appeasement never works, especially on women, who are the equivalent of the Third Reich in their response to Neville Chamberlain game. Instead, reframe to the point of absurdity.

“I got you some gold bullion for your birthday coming up. You can sit on it and luxuriate like a princess!”

“Are you a player?”

Any man who is halfway charming with women will hear this super shit test at least a few times in his life. There are a multitude of effective replies to this particular SST. Here is one of them:

“Player? Hell no. I’m a PIMP! Hold on, one of my ten thousand concubines is calling me.”

“Give me your number instead.”

Watch out, this is a beta male trap. Most betas would be relieved that any number exchange is taking place. You, aspiring alpha, know better.

“Sorry, I don’t give out my number.” Then ignore, and request her number again later.

“I don’t give out my number.”

The script is the inverse of the above. You’ve asked for her number, and she refused. A girl who says this isn’t sufficiently attracted yet. You need more time flirting with her. A good segue would be:

“I guess we’ll have to rendezvous, the old-fashioned way, like Parisian lovers on the run.”

“I have a boyfriend.”

Probably the most common, and most destructive of beta male hopes, super shit test that women lean on. You can never know with certainty if the boyfriend excuse is sincere or expedient, but you can neutralize it regardless of its veracity. For example, here’s one thermonuclear reply.

“You never listen to me.”

“What?” This reply never fails to elicit a grudging smile. But don’t overuse it. After the third time, say “Look, don’t make impossible demands on me that no normal person could fulfill. You want to be with a man, or with a voice recorder?”

“Do I know you?”

Sharp-mouthed sarcastocunts will occasionally drop SST bombs like this one. The best replies are arrogant and cocky, since that’s the type of man these kinds of girls love the most. Ex:

“You will.”

“How may girls have you been with?”

Any reply but a straight one will do here. Reductio ad absurdum is a logical fallacy, but it’s also a winning seduction tactic. Ex:

“Counting Alaska?”

“What are you looking for?”

When things start to heat up, a woman will often pop this dreaded, baiting question. Good reply:

“A delicious ham sandwich.”

“Stop staring at me.”

Really bitchy SSTs can be answered with shiv twists. Ex:

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

“That [X] you’re wearing is ridiculous!”

The key here is to prove that her judgmentalism hasn’t flustered you. Ex:

“Thank you. My mom bought it for me.”

“You’re not my type.”

“Neither are you. See that? We have so much in common!”

“Come hang out with me and my friends.”

She’s testing your skillfulness at evading the friendzone. Worst thing you can do is agree. Better, assume the sale:

“Good. Your friends will make sure you don’t try to grope me. I need to be wined and dined first.”

“Does this work on other girls?”

“Only the cute ones.” (Not a CH original, but probably the best reply to this particular SST that you can use. Remember, gina tingles are born when a woman is in the defensive crouch.)

“When are you gonna settle down?”

“Why? You auditioning for the part?” Assume the sale, part 2.

“If you impress me, you might get a shot at this!” [wiggles hips]

Girls who are a little above average in attractiveness and on the wrong side of 25 often use SSTs like this one to self-administer their shaky egos. She is forcing you into her frame where she’s the chased, and you’re the chaser. Solution? Flip the script.

“Does this work on other guys?”

“What are you doing??”

Sometimes you’ll get this SST from a girl when you’ve gone in for the kiss before she’s ready for it. Or, more precisely, before she’s ready to concede her attraction for you. A reply I like, said with a straight face:


“You’re not the jealous type, are you?”

Attention whores love this SST, and will often deploy it right after you’ve eyed them flirting with another man, (or group of men). One of my favorite replies is to insinuate that the girl wants me to be jealous so she can feel desired.

“For a price, I can be.”


That’s enough for now. The Compendium of Female Super Shit Tests is a running series, so there will be future posts with more added. Know that shit tests are typically expressions of interest, but that occasionally they can be revealed indicators of disinterest. And also know that it doesn’t really matter which expression is operative; your strategy is to leapfrog over them so that interest is intensified, or disinterest is reconsidered.


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