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Alpha Male Power Moves

Making people wait

Show up late. The King does not wait patiently for guests to arrive. The King arrives for meet and greets when guests are assembled in breathless awe. Principle applies equally to throne rooms and bar rooms. Arrivals, replies to questions, decisions to consensus building exercises, request fulfillments — all should be delayed to the point of provoking discomfort in others, but not beyond. People naturally assume the higher status of those who don’t jump when asked.

Not laughing at jokes

The King is not amused. And he is hard to amuse. The King does not suffer unfunny boobs gladly. The King does not care about fortifying social cohesion with insincerity, so he will stare at you expressionless if your joke bombs. He will not fake laugh to make you feel at ease. He will not laugh uproariously if you are a hot girl making a lame joke. You will feel uncomfortable, and this is why you will try harder to impress the King. The King knows this. He luxuriates in your appeasement.

Staring past people

You talk to the King? Impudent plebe! The King hears you, but his attention is elsewhere. Past you. Over you. Through you. Your entreaties are puffery to the King, because he has heard it all before. Your cleverness is dulled. Your insight is clouded. Your conversation is trite. And yet, somehow, despite all evidence to the contrary, the King answers you as if he had been listening intently the whole time. You feel relieved. You like this feeling, so you set about to win the King’s approval again. And again. And again.

Cutting people off

You talk and talk. The King has a thought of his own. It could be a grand thought, or a trivial musing. It doesn’t matter, because it is the King’s thought, and that means the King will cut you off mid-sentence to regale the masses with his wit and wisdom. His voice commands, his self-confidence refuses impugning, his happy entitlement woos crowds. Even you, cast aside and set adrift, find strange succor in the King’s heady leadership.

Disappointing people

The King has so many matters he must tend to. People need and want the King. His presence — nay, his blessing! — is requested at board meetings, parties, events and bedrooms. The King’s plate is full. It is always full. And this fact makes the King smug, even resentful. The King likes to disappoint people. Or, more precisely, he cares not for pleasing people. He knows scarcity is part of the appeal of his brand of authority. His subjects will wait on him, and he will sometimes not show up. And those subjects will be sad. So sad, in fact, that the next time the King *does* show up, their joy will be overflowing.


You may think these are dickish moves. You would be right! But the alpha cuts his teeth on dickishness. There is no alpha male who is not, at times, dickish. It comes with the territory. And since dickishness is a territorial aspect of alpha maleness, those who mimic it are presumed alpha themselves. And that, my budding alphas, is how you win pussy and influence people.

Alpha Male Power Moves will be a continuing series. Lord knows the incredible shrinking American Beta Male needs the lessons.


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