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The crack team at Chez Pussyhound fell asleep on the job and neglected to do followup posts announcing the BIG BETA WIENERS for the February and March 2009 BOTM contests.

What best exemplifies the Beta of the Month?

  • An unerring devotion to the betrayal of his masculine essence.
  • A complete lack of shame.
  • A willingness to debase himself for the skankiest of pussies.
  • White Knight Syndrome.
  • Sensitive Man Syndrome.
  • A lack of self-awareness.
  • Desperation and obsession.
  • Self-abnegation for little in return.
  • Inability to view women as anything other than flawless paragons of virtue and righteousness.
  • Unremitting chivalry.
  • Anhedonic.
  • Considers himself a feminist.
  • Sits cross-legged.
  • Afraid of own erection.

February’s race was a runaway. The February 2009 BOTM Winner (submitted by reader 11minutes) and now one of the finalists for the Grande Finale 2009 Beta of the Year contest was the man who read about his wife’s cheating in her diary and responded in the only way a flouncy mangirl would respond — by consoling his wife while she laid flowers on her ex-lover’s grave. This repulsive specimen of supreme betaness beat out the guy who pays for his wife’s sex vacations. What a surfeit of beta! The world is full of these guys, and I shall feast on their misery.

It shouldn’t have to be said, but if you have anything left swishing around in your nutsack the only appropriate response to catching your wife cheating is throwing her and her shit out the window, in that order. Then moving out of the country to evade divorce theft and hiding your assets in overseas accounts. Finish the day up with a trip to the Amsterdam clubs with your buddies.

******

March’s BOTM head-to-head featured a cast of infamous characters and also had a clear winner. The March 2009 BOTM Winner (submitted by reader stacy) and now a finalist for the 2009 BOTY is the ex-husband who invited his slobby ex-wife and her new day laborer husband to live in his home, where he was treated nightly to their rutting noises and humiliated in front of his children.

Recap:
He married a hog.
Hog divorced him because he’s too beta even for a fat cow like her.
Hog marries Mexican day laborer with green card issues.
He invites hog and hogfucker to live under his roof.
Hog FEELS PITY for him because he’s single.
His children bear witness to his daily humilation.
He’s OK with all this.

This is the stuff of nightmares. In visual form, his psychological torture would look like this:

The March 2009 winner defeated the milquetoast fiancee of Jessica Valenti, editor of the “Chicks with Dick Clits” website devoted to the pursuit and exultation of pretty lies. Now that the March 2009 BOTM has been announced and Jessica’s progressive feminist boyfriend escaped the ignominious honor of Beta of the Month, she can breathe a sigh of relief. Congratulations, Jessica, your fiancee is not quite as beta as a guy who has to listen to his ex-wife get pounded by one of the landscaping crew in his own home.

Jessica wrote an article for the Guardian which linked to my blog and which was obviously inspired by the sadistic glee of my BOTM post where I unleashed the soulripping hooked chains of the Cenobite hordes upon the stupidity of her beliefs and the squalor of her fiancee’s mincing betatude. I believe I have hurt her, though she will never admit it, of course. She wrote: “… a “ball-cutting cybersuccubus”, as I was, in fact, described [by moi]. Think I can get that on a business card?”

Yes, my cat toy, you can get that on a business card. And since I am a monster id of generous cruelty, here is a suggestion for Andrew’s business card:

“Cuckold In Training”.

Best.

PS: Keep your BOTY contest submissions rolling in, folks.

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