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When I introduced the Beta Of The Year contest, readers were very enthusiastic. I got more submissions than I expected and sifting through them all to find the most nauseating betas to hold up for public ridicule turned out to be a bigger job than I anticipated. Trust me, this was not pleasant reading.

As you know, I select two BOTM candidates from among the submissions for an end of the month vote when the readers will determine the final BOTM winner. At the end of the year, there is a reader vote to select the Beta Of The Year from among the twelve finalist BOTMs.

There were so many great submissions for January that choosing two for a vote was difficult, so I’ve expanded the number of candidates to three for this month only. I feel like these three best represent what is worst about self-castrating beta behavior.

January 2009 BOTM Candidate #1 was submitted by Book of Dooderonomy. It’s a New York Beta Times article (remember I suggested the biggest betas would be found in the New York Times) about a guy who spends years chasing after a badboy-loving slut, letting her cry on his shoulder, and finally “winning” her over and lavishing her with an extravagant wedding.

Within minutes they were sharing a flirtatious conversation as they strolled across the campus. Then they went their separate ways, and he vowed to find her when school began later that month.

As it turned out, he didn’t have to search very hard. They were living on the same floor of the same dorm. It seemed like destiny. Except she had no memory of him.

“He would look at me in the hallway, and I didn’t know who he was,” recalled Ms. Lichtman, also 28 and now an account director in New York at an entertainment marketing subsidiary of Omnicom.

Classic beta scenario. Beta recalls every last detail of girl he flirted with for a few minutes, while she remembers nothing about him.

They quickly became inseparable. But only as friends.

When it came to dating, her taste ran more to bad boys with nice cars. Yet he was the one she turned to whenever she was upset. “He was always the person who calmed me,” she said. “He was there when other boys broke my heart.”

LJBF. Emotional tampon. Eunuch.

He was also there when she was hospitalized with Crohn’s disease their sophomore year and the medication she took made her overweight and depressed. He tried to convince her that they belonged together, but she resisted. “I didn’t want to give up my best friend,” she said. “I didn’t trust myself not to hurt him.”

I can feel the bile climbing up the back of my throat. So this beta extraordinaire GOES TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL to comfort a FAT DEPRESSED BITCH who is banging badboys and TELLING HIM ABOUT IT. And then she has the gall (or the fearlessness) to toss out that trite “I can’t have sex with you because I don’t want to ruin our friendship” excuse. Does he find solace sticking his shriveled manhood in a hole through her photograph as tears stream down his face?

One night, while he was making his case for the umpteenth time,

Naturally. Persistence = beta game.

“I felt David was the right person for me, but I didn’t feel ready to be with him,” said Ms. Lichtman, who was not sure what she wanted. As the oldest of six children she was used to sacrificing what she wanted, and she was determined not to do that. Not even for someone she loved. “I wasn’t going to be with him just because I was scared of losing him.”

What a glimpse into the fetid, mucked up mind of a woman. She utterly disrespects this tool if she thinks he’s the sort of fool who would take her feeble rationalizations at face value.

He was devastated, but undeterred. “Though the situation was complicated, my feelings weren’t,” he said. “I knew how much I loved her. If we were just going to be friends, then I’m her friend.”

He’s a fool.
He eventually goes on to “break up” with her for a whole three weeks while he’s experiencing financial problems, but then quickly chastises himself for his rare display of testosterone:

Three weeks later, his panic was over, but so was their relationship. “What I did was the dumbest thing in the world,” he said, but she did not want to forgive.

Finally, he admits he can’t get anyone else:

Then in May 2007, after four years apart, he asked: “How much longer are you going to make me wait for you?”

She relents AKA settles:

Something inside her melted. “I spent all these years trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be with, and all of a sudden it was right there in front of me,” she said.

Translation: Something inside her gave up. “I spent all these years fucking guys with tattoos and DJs trying to get one of them to fall in love with me, and all of a sudden I looked in the mirror one day at my fading looks and found the nearest beta chump who would marry my ragged, torn up pussy and treat me like the ex-slut I am,” she said, sadly.

The most telling quote is at the end of the article:

“I had 500 reasons why I loved David, but I needed my heart to be in the same place that my head was,” she said. “For his wedding present there’s 500 Reasons I Said Yes.”

500 Rationalizations I Said “Ah, Fuck It”. I predict their marriage will last less than three years when she’s caught cheating and divorces him for the alimony which she will put toward her New Boyfriend Gifts fund. The courts will agree with this arrangement.

Check out the wedding picture:

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***

January 2009 BOTM Candidate #2 was submitted by Henner. It’s a story about a doctor who donated his kidney to his whore wife to save her life and was repaid in kind when she spread her legs for her physical therapist and then slapped him with divorce papers while he was in the middle of performing surgery on a patient. She ran off with the kids whom he hasn’t seen in months.

What put this poor beta bastard over the top for consideration as BOTM was the fact that one of the reasons he gave for donating his kidney to his wife was to save their marriage.

Adding to his anguish, Batista insists his decision to donate his kidney in 2001 was in part a failed effort to rescue their troubled relationship.

“My first priority was to save her life,” the 49-year-old doctor said. “The second bonus was to turn our marriage around.” […]

Her husband – a surgeon at Nassau University Medical Center – injected her three times a week with medication as part of her health care regime.

Your marriage is failing. Deep in your heart you know she must be fucking around on you. She treats you like day-old shit. So what do you do? You give her your kidney in hopes it will make her love you again. If this isn’t the quivering, gnarled, spineless hunchbacked id of the UberBeta pinned to a vivisection tray for the whole world to gawk at, I don’t know what is.

But wait, he still harbors hope (betas cling to hope like barnacles to rotten piers):

Despite the animosity, Batista insisted he would donate the kidney all over again to his hopefully soon-to-be-ex. He fondly recalls a visit to her room on the day after surgery.

“There was no greater feeling on this planet,” he said. “As God is my witness, I felt as if I could put my arm around Jesus Christ. I was walking on a cloud.”

This guy is not living with the mentality of pussy abundance. His mentality is just the opposite — pussy scarcity. And women run from men who think that way.

Behold the face of a beta:

***

January 2009 BOTM Candidate #3 was submitted by Yogi. It’s a news story about a man who blames himself for his wife’s plot to kill him.

Tim Kenealy was in court to support his wife Zoe as she was given seven years behind bars for attempting to take out a contract on his life with thousands of pounds of borrowed money.

He put his head in his hands as he heard Judge Gregory Stone sentence her for the “cynical and cruel” plot which saw her hand £3,000 to a neighbour to pay for the killing.

“Support his wife”. There is no relief for the mass of betas as long as there are milquetoasts like this guy in their ranks. If I was his friend, I would order an intervention. But not the Oprah-fied kind of intervention. Oh no. We’d take this schmuck out into the yard and slap him around open-palmed for a few hours like the little eggplant-up-the-ass bitch he is.

Kenealy, who had been in a violent relationship with her first husband, said she felt smothered by Mr Kenealy, and the pair were facing financial problems.

Women always feel “smothered” by betas. It’s an instinctual reaction evolved to protect their precious eggs from the tepid seed of weak men. Tip for the day: If your GF ever uses the word “smother” to describe your relationship with her, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY and don’t ever look back. You’ll thank me later.

Judge Stone told the 44-year-old care worker and mother of six she would serve at least three and a half years in prison.

44 years old?! Oh, come on. It might be somewhat understandable if not justifiable for a man to stay with a hot, young wife intent on murdering him, but not a washed up old hag. The beta is all-consuming in this guy.

Mr Kenealy said he was determined to stand by her, and said the plot to kill him must have been prompted by some sort of mental illness.

He added that he blamed himself for “taking my eye off the ball” in their relationship and that both of them had suffered from depression in the past.

A true beta ALWAYS blames himself for the wrongdoings of his woman. Wife cheats? His fault for not making her feel special in bed. Wife divorces him and takes the kids? He must have forgotten an anniversary. Wife puts out a contract to kill him? He took his eye off the ball.

“She’s such a lovable person. The Zoe that’s been written about in the papers isn’t the Zoe that everybody knows. She’s been perceived completely wrong.

“Hopefully we will have a bright future together,” he added.

Again with the hope. Hope is the last refuge of the total loser.

“But three and a half years is a long time.”

I have news for you, buddy. A corrections officer will be fucking her up the ass as soon as you see her off, and she won’t be waiting for you when she gets out. Shoot yourself, and finish the job your psycho wife couldn’t.

The voting begins:

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