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Here are some of the transparent excuses I tell a girl at the end of the night to get her back to Le Chateau for a little of the ol’ flogging, branding, and penis-whipping:

“Hey, I just got my black and white photographs framed. Unlike so many people, I know you’re able to appreciate art, so let’s take a look and tell me what you think.”

“I’m thirsty. How about you? Let’s go back to my place and have a glass of delicious DC tapwater.”

“I also play a real guitar. I’ve been working on a new song of mine. I could use an unbiased third party opinion. Playing for my Mom isn’t cutting it anymore. Come over and have a listen.”

“You’ve gotta check out the view from my balcony.”

“Let’s swing by my place for a couple of girly drinks then head back out to play some Wii.”

“I collect old jazz recordings [editor’s note: I have a few jazz CDs given to me by exes]. We’ll go back and listen to them properly, with a glass of red wine.”

“Have you ever seen a houseplant with one leaf? I’ll bring you back to my place to look, but no touching. It’s very delicate.”

***

If I sense she is hesitating, I usually punctuate each flimsy excuse with something like, “But we can only stay for a bit, I have to get up early. So try to keep your hands to yourself.” That never fails except on the high self-esteem girls who want you for a boyfriend and are fighting to control the pace of the dating.

Will she see through these obvious ploys? Of course she will. But that’s not the point. She doesn’t need your reason to be airtight, she just wants you to know what you’re doing. That means, make statements, and don’t ask. Saying “Would you like to come back to my place?” is a mood killer. She doesn’t want to have to make that decision. She wants to follow your lead.

It also means not making her feel like a slut. So no matter how absurd your excuse to get her into your lair it’s still better than saying “Let’s go back to my place and fuck.” She just needs plausible deniability, however gossamer thin, to rationalize that her decision to go home with you was not the action of a loose harlot.

Don’t be a noodle-dick and depend on women to make the first move. You must have these excuses ready for every date you go on. In my experience, no quality girl worth having for the long term will offer to go back with you to either her place or yours. That’s akin to offering sex. Only high testosterone whores and cougars do this. Remember, if she’s offered to you, she’s offered to 20 other guys she met in a bar. Wear a condom coated with Doxycycline.

Some very brave and horny girls who want to preserve at least a shadow of their feminine mystique will hint at going back with you by mentioning their cute schnauzer puppy or their roommate’s erotic figurine collection. In these instances, you should recognize what she really wants and immediately take the reins by suggesting that you’d love to walk her home and pet her schnauzer.

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