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settle verb – to wake up one day and realize you are not god’s gift to the opposite sex

It’s funny how this became a dirty word when everyone except the thinnest slice at the top of the human status heap does it.  It’s like calling breathing a dirty word and refusing to acknowledge that you do it.  Even Jack Nicholson, a player for whom I have much respect and admiration, has to settle — there are probably a few beautiful Hollywood actresses who spurned his advances.  I have to settle as well; I always wanted Heidi Klum but she has made herself unavailable to me (so far).  Instead of spending years in celibate agony pining for Heidi I enjoyed sex and love with girls who looked like her but had different names.

i will shit test you until the day you die.

Almost universally men are more apt to settle in the short term than women.  I understand the evolutionary explanation for this.  Women stand to lose a lot more if they get pregnant by an unqualified guy.  Men can dumpster dive occasionally without incurring much cost to themselves, and in fact enjoy a significant genetic upside to doing so.

But the aversion to settling is worn by the modern cosmopolitan (read: American) woman like a badge of honor.  She proudly proclaims her steadfast determination to stick by her principles and hold out for the perfect alpha male while simultaneously bitching about her lonely spinsterhood.  This is the kind of woman who overanalyzes every little nuance of a date and then has a debriefing with her girlfriends afterwards, when she tears the guy apart and her circle jerk of enablers cackle in unison.

I have seen extreme cases where the woman went completely celibate for years out of a stubborn refusal to reevaluate her ridiculously high standards.  Virginity in a 19 year old girl is desirable, but de facto virginity in a 28 year old woman is a huge red flag.  Any woman who can go years without a good root is capable of turning down sex from her boyfriend for the flimsiest reasons.

i’m not in the mood… you’re wearing that argyle sweater again.

A woman who makes it to adulthood with a pristine pussy and her standards uncompromised should have her vagina donated to a medical museum as an example of what one looks like untouched by any penis.  Underneath would be the Latin term for the condition:

Vaginicus Unrealisticus Standardii

I have a theory why settling has become a fate worse than rape in the minds of American women.  In hunter gatherer times, when clan size was only 50 people, you’d be lucky to find just one hot girl in her prime.  The beauty scarcity meant that there was no jealousy when the hot chick hooked up with the tribal leader.  It was unremarkable.  The remaining plain janes competed over the undifferentiated swath of clanmen who ranked lower than the tribal leader.  This social dynamic helped keep women’s expectations in line with reality.  There was little pressure to snag the top dog.

Fast forward to modern society where most young women in their prime are living in giant urban enclaves of millions and hot chicks are a dime a dozen.  What do they see?  Lots of cute girls hooking up with alpha males.  Every day, everywhere.  So the average woman, who in times past would’ve been happy with the average man, now gets bombarded with visual evidence of thousands of women dating the same small pool of guys she wants, causing her expectations to balloon out of control.  She wants to keep up with the Heathers.  She asks herself why she can’t have the same thing.  She finds the thought of settling for a lesser man revolting because of the social humiliation it would entail.  If her friends are all dating doctors (sometimes the same doctor), why can’t she?  Plus, she says, look at my fancy degree and professional career!  I want that in a man so what man wouldn’t want that in me?

And so she rides the dating carousel refusing to believe that it is the disconnect between the price she puts on herself and the price her potential buyers are willing to pay that is responsible for her impressive vibrator collection.  She has lost all perspective.

This is why pumping and dumping performs a valuable public service.  With each pump and dump her oversized ego and expectations shrink, until one day the hollow shell of her washed up self falls resentfully into the arms of a waiting beta.  Or she learns to speak cat.


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