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A wealth of experience with women will clue a man into the dissonance between a woman’s words and actions, and gradually lead him to discover that the woman’s word is the exact inverse of what she wishes you to presuppose it is: not a verbal descriptive but rather a psychological misdirection to lull the unsuspecting, including herself, to cogitate on the opposite of what is, in fact, true. Resist the temptation to blame a woman for her subterfuge because, in another example of empirics catching up to folk wisdom, science is revealing that not even she is aware what currents ripple through her vagina.

On that prologue, here follows a handy dandy secret girl code decoder crib sheet. Though you have been weaned since toddlerhood, when your flaccid tot dong jutted out at a continual 90 degree angle to your raisins, to believe the last in each series is to be aspired to, the truth is that, if sexnlurv with the sexynlurvly hot babes is what you want, then you are far better off being deemed the opposite by the fairer sex.

douchey >>> nice guy

asshole >>> sweet

jerk >>> cute

bastard >>> good man

pig >>> gentleman

insane >>> dependable

jerk > sexy > hot > cute > sweet > creep > nice guy

creeper > creep > stalker > loser > nice guy

serial killer >>>>>>>>>>> nice guy

mass murderer >>>>>>>>>>>>>> nice guy

psychopathic hedge fund white collar criminal >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (*phew*) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> nice guy

nice guy > pedophile (finally!)

he makes me cry >>>>>>>>> he’s always there for me

it’s so hard with him >>>>>>>>>>>> yeah, he’s a great guy

freak >>> attentive lover

cheating bastard >>> he treats me like a princess

you don’t see what i see in him >>> he’s the perfect man

wiseass >>> funny >>> clown >>> goofy >>> quirky >>> weird

mysterious >>> a good friend

exciting >>> easy to get along with

i don’t know how much more i can take with him >>> someday we’ll get married

he always forgets our anniversaries >>> he understands my needs

pervert >>> sensitive lover

he screwed my best friend >>> i screwed his best friend

he gets me >>> i get him

fucking asshole arrogant son of a bitch motherfucking cocksucking pike of steaming shit filthy fucking bastard mama’s boy >>> nice guy

selfish lover >>> eats me out

who are you texting? >>> i promise i’m not texting any other guys

god that was such a turn-on >>> i love you

cocky bastard >>> sweet guy

i never know what he’s up to >>> we go everywhere together

lover >>> husband

is that a girl’s voice i hear in the background? >>> thanks for letting me know what time you’ll be home

you’re going to shit in front of me?! >>> i’ll be out in a minute, honey


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