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We give white knights a well-deserved shellacking here at the Chateau for general inanity and counter-productive goofballery, but meeting one in real life is more a blessing than a curse. You just have to know how to leverage them for fun and profit.

For reasons I won’t get into in this post, white knight numbers seem to be on the rise, mostly online but occasionally offline. Confronting one in the wild provides the maester seducer a wonderful expedient to aid him in getting the bang with the very girl whose honor the white knight rushes to defend.

I love crossing paths with white knights because they’re the hanging curveball of cockblocks. It’s a pleasure to tool them in front of their girls whose vaginas they will never see.

White knights play the really long game, hoping the girl will one day wake up and appreciate their efforts on her behalf. Sometimes it happens, but by then the girl is a little rougher for wear and has been through a few cockas. It’s a piss poor strategy in an open unregulated sexual market, though, because the implicit rules favor those men skilled in maximizing short term gains. White knights are no match for jerkboys in an atomized and quasi-anonymized hookup market; their brand of chivalry works better under highly regulated courtship conditions in which fathers have as much input as daughters and the pill isn’t dispensed like candy.

Now that you know you’ll almost always have the upper hand against white knights, it helps to know the best strategy for neutering neutralizing them and turning them into an advertisement for your sexytime fitness. The best method that I’ve found is the ol’ standby Agree&Amplify. Assume the white knight’s good intentions, and praise him effusively. By doing this, you are

  1. tooling him as the hard-up lickspittle he is
  2. delivering a proxy neg/disqualification to the girl which will cause her to distance herself from the white knight

When a white knight comes in all m’lady-like, I tell them, “It’s good you’re looking out for this girl. Does she have a curfew? I wouldn’t trust her alone either. Lotta bad guys out there.”

This banter achieves multiple objectives. One, it demonstrates your high value. Now you’re the insinuated bad boy with whom she might get into trouble. Few girls can resist that delicious thought. Two, it embarrasses the white knight. He’ll get defensive and swear he’s not chaperoning her, he’s just being a friend yada yada, which now plants the perception in the girl that he’s not actually her protector he’s just a dud who likes asexually hanging around her.

Three, and most importantly, it will provoke an opposite reaction in the girl. She’ll laugh or act indignant (either one is a positive reaction for you), insisting she’s doesn’t need a babysitter, she can handle herself, and the white knight is cool with that (he won’t be).

At that point, it’s time to run the table. “I dunno are you sure you’re ready for this…being on your own and all? It’s a scary world. If you can’t handle it, I’ll check in with your buddy (always use the word buddy to describe a girl’s male orbiters) over there (point at white knight across the room) and he can safely take you to your parents’ place.”

Now you’ve set up the challenge — is she a strong independent woman or is she a nervous little girl? — and if you’ve learned anything here it’s that girls love challenging men with standards. It’s the flip-the-courtship-script ruse and it works because women have no defense against their own weapons.

If, on the off chance, you are confronted by a physically bigger white knight — rarely, a bouncer will white knight just to start fights — the better course of action is to keep it short and plausibly complimentary. Don’t directly engage the white knight, that’ll only wind him up. “Looks like you’ve got a bodyguard already. Lucky girl.” Leave her be after saying that, and there’s a good shot she’ll find her way back to you later in the night once Derp Lancelot is distracted and moves on.


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