It’s been a long time since we’ve had a female beauty ranking post. It’s good to remind women why they were put here on Zod’s green earth. But this time, instead of featuring a series of photos of exceptionally pretty women and arguing vociferously over the small details in character… personality… chest size that separate a 9 from a 10, this round of female beauty rankings will ask you, the readers, to judge the looks of the kinds of strong, empowered, independent “real women” you might meet at the office or strolling around your neighborhood walking their cats.
So there won’t be any Victoria’s Secret models or celebrities in this post; today is a celebration of the everyday women who walk among us. These are your women, American Son, and this is your life. Time to put away childish fantasy and rank the beauty of the women you are most likely to meet in real life.
You can vote however you like for each photo; this is a random sampling of women, not necessarily a comprehensive selection meant to encompass all ten points on the classic 1 to 10 female looks scale. There are fourteen photos altogether and a poll under each one. Your most accurate vote will be the vote you make with your gut, so don’t dawdle too much over each picture. God forbid this turns into a contest.
The women are nameless, and in no particular order. Each poll has a neutral description to help readers identify who’s who in the final tally that will be an average of everyone’s rankings. CH will analyze these results in a future post.
Programming notes: Some persnickety nerds have argued that there’s no such thing as a “10″. CH disagrees. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michelle Pfeiffer were both 10s in their primes. Going back further, Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly were 10s. Megan Fox is a legit 10 today, as is at least one member of whomever Disney is grooming to be the next F YOU DAD slut du jour. Just because 10s are rare doesn’t mean they aren’t real.
Out on the opposite, far left tail of the female looks belle curve, there are arguments about the existence of zeroes: Women with sexual worths approaching absolute zero (in degrees Pelvis). Anti-freeze advocates argue that as long as there is at least one man, however much of a Quasimodo loser he may be, who is willing to dump his gnarled seed in an extremely ugly woman, that woman cannot be said to have zero sexual worth. However, there are some monstrous pump and dumps so disheartening to an ugly woman, and so indicative of her bargain basement price on the open sexual market, that sex with a subterranean creature will actually lower her SMV (sexual market value) beyond that SMV which would generously accrue to her in the absence of evidentiary relinquishment to the contrary.
To put it differently, the sex skew in innate sexual discriminatory disposition (men being on the whole less discriminatory, especially as pertains extremely short term conquests) renders inadmissible in the court of public opinion the ability of very ugly women to occasionally get laid with abject losers (think homeless piss-stained bums) as proof of the non-zero SMV of those women.
The reason 0 is not usually included on most 1 to 10 female looks rankings has to do with the practical and valid assumption that for the vast majority of men, 0s aren’t recognizable as female humans. Their inclusion on a female looks scale would then be irrelevant, sort of like including toddlers, grandmas and the morbidly obese. However, 0s, like 10s, do exist, and in the realm of photo-based beauty rankings where the goal is measurement rather than practical filtering of live women to streamline target acquisition, the 0 option is a useful corrective to a traditional 1-10 scale that ignores women who are not worth porking with Manboobz’s thimbledick.
Given the above programming notes, any commenters clogging the board with complaints about the metaphysical improbability of 0s and 10s will be summarily banned. Stay focused, people.
***
Roflmfao @!!!!!
This was fun
Spooky how most men think alike.
I wonder if most of the men here screamed with fright, like I did, when they first saw “Jesus wept”?
I seem to be the outlier here, in that I thought a “0″ was harsh, and that she was probably the victim of poor lighting, freak momentary facial expression, etc. I think I gave her a 2.
“Cat Rape” was a joke, right? The scale doesn’t extend to negative infinity.
was that one really a female…? tranny?
Ouch. Several of them almost made me spit out my cocktail.
Split ends and yellow queen are the only bangable chicks in this list.
Right triangle might be semi-cute but I’d need another angle – she might be, uh, not female.
Why did people hate sweater chick with the big glasses?
Was she actually a tranny or something- some inside joke that I didn’t get?
Because she seemed marginally okay to me.
I tell you, though, not many of them seemed like they would have had a bright sunny cheerful disposition.
It’ll be interesting when Heartiste pulls the wool off our eyes and informs us that they were all e.g. members of Schizophrenics Anonymous or some shit.
Or maybe they’re all convicted murderesses?
Or victims of murderers?
“Why did people hate sweater chick with the big glasses?”
To me she looks like a feminist in the common pose “I made myself less attractive to provoke you. I dare you to call me ugly.”
A dare I can’t resist.
She wanted to be invisible through forced plainness and succeeded.
Or she wanted to be invisible through looking like a loon – a hand knitted sweater with an unflattering caricature of yourself on it – what kind of a lunatic wears something like that – never mind spending untold hours making it??? – and succeeded.
Either way, she’s invisible.
” Why did people hate sweater chick with the big glasses? ”
Would you wear a sweater with a picture of yourself on it ?
And what would that say about you if you did ?
Here’s a pic of her in a bikini with a toucan. I’d probably vote her higher than in the pic shown above.
https://plus.google.com/112216128632772228538/posts
Gravity has not been kind to her.
She has granny boobs.
Upon further review – invisibility is a good strategy for that girl.
Before I vote I want to argue the point that Megan Fox is a ten today. After plastic surgery, she’s dropped several points. Kate Upton might have been a better example. Mischa Barton ten years ago was also a ten, as was Rebecca Gayheart 15 years ago. Those were the days…
Kate Upton has a gorgeous face and perfect boobs but has the zero curve soda can torso of a Mexican maid.
9.
True. But IMO her face, boobs, and long legs are so perfect, they more than make up for that. I stick with “ten.”
A 10 is someone who has nothing to make up for.
Agree 100% on Rebecca Gayheart.
Perfect.
i’m not arguing in their primes, i thought gayheart was great. but good god mischa and rebecca fell apart fast. rebecca becoming the anti-noxzema smoker-face woman and mischa with that epic cellulite
Upton slept with P. Diddly. So she’s a 1 now.
Rape!
That sort of taint never washes off a woman.
And I’m using the word taint in two senses, since P Diddly could be described as something in between an a-hole and a dick.
True, but he’s definitely not a human.
> “Upton slept with P. Diddly. So she’s a 1 now.”
Really?
Then you mis-spelled “0″.
Or else “negative infinity”.
Kate Upton? Nah, I’ll pass. I’ve never been into chubbies. Great face, but I bet those tits sag like hell, and the rest of her has no real shape. A 6 with lots of help, a 5 without.
Who do you consider a 10 then?
Milla Jovovich
Not so sure…
What do you think of Kristen Bell, always drawn my eye
I don’t really know any of the actresses and models who are popular right now. I’ve barely watched any TV or movies in the last 10 years. If you can give me some names, I can look up pictures like I did with Kate Upton.
I loled at the “secretariat” appellation.
Right triangle seems the clear winner. Stroke and poke and yellow queen are possible runners up.
I dunno. These polls are hard (lolollz) if some of these gashmonsters are caught with mid-dump faces. They will obviously gett a lower rating.
I don’t remember my ratings, but most were among the most popular, while the ‘best’ looking women were ranked a point lower on average than the median vote. If this is a representative sample of what Americans have to deal with, I pity you, but I don’t see why women should be rated on a curve in order to make up for the scarcity of good looking women.
What’s funny is that the upsnout girl would be the best looking if she didn’t love food more than she loves herself.
Upsnout girl is Lindy West I think, ugly on the inside too (feminist).
I find that the first girl was severely underrated.
You got lower standards
Not severely underrated, but one point or so. She’s definitely better than yellow queen, who got a higher rating.
Why are we engaging in this form of masochism?
It is a purity test, a crucible if you will
The 2% was underrated because of stupid face.
Funny. Most of the women were ranked by me as 7s or 3s. (Which I ranked as 7 and which as 3 should be obvious.) Except for the ugly woman with the cross, and the cat, both of which I ranked as 0s, and the two black chicks near the top who are 4s.
Split end’s looks as though her hair may be hiding a second chin, I went with my gut and said she wasn’t but porkers know no decency.
Almost every single one could gain a point with decent makeup/clothing. The asian and the first picture are at least maximizing what God gave them. A normal smile vs snark face automatically gets a half point bump for most girls unless they have really f’d up teeth.
If you added up the scores of this… uh… stable… of examples they would would barely hit 50.
Can you rate me?
You might have butterface.
oh she does
I know a black chick with a 10 body and a 2 face.
Me thinks these are all profile pics of staff writers for gawker, jizzabel, or some other fem site. If so, it reinforces that feminism is for ugly women.
Agreed.
I know the upsnout porker is Lindy West…
She’d be cute if she dropped some weight.
In fact, most of those heavy chicks could get to at least a six, maybe higher, if they got down to within a 19-22 BMI range.
5, 1, 6, 4, 1, 4, 0, 0, 4, 7+, 0, wtf?, 2, 4.
7+ could be 8+ depending on skill set and attitude. Shun all others.
Right triangle – 7 – definitely more than neutral, but nothing special, yes, the jaw is unfortunate, bright eyes
Bill the cat – 3 – definitely unattractive, but not truly painful to look at
Stroke and poke – 6 or 7 – definitely more than neutral, but nothing special
AA member – 4 – merely unattractive
the 2% – 4 – merely unattractive, but may have been a 5 when younger
split ends – 7 – hair isn’t great, but nice face overall
lets skip over the next two, hideous landwhales that they are
secretariat – 6 – bright eyed, young, pleasant face with unfortunate gum exposure
yellow queen – 6 – plain but looks like a nice, thin body
jesus wept – no comment necessary
cat rape – finally a 10!
sweatershop – 6 or 7 – thin with pleasant face, attractive physically, but looks like an annoying person
gray lantern – 5 – young and reasonably fit, but plain
A pretty representative collection of N. American womanhood. Goes with my assertion that most non-obese young women are totally bangable, but nothing more.
I rank 1-10 with 5 being neutral, 4 and below being actually repulsive, and 6 and above being attractive.
There are no truly beautiful women in this selection.
i actually take gray lantern as the tops because my optimistic imagination can fill in the blanks with a lower quality pic. no makeup, whereas i think right triangle and split ends are looking as good as they can. split ends’s teeth = no go.
stroke & poke is crazy and best in sack.
and you’re right, and i think not alone, definitely no one breaking 7.
definitely no one breaking 7
The truth.
“definitely no one breaking 7″
If you’d said “definitely no one breaking 6″, I’d have agreed. The list was either too skinny or too ugly. The Chinese girl gets a 6, all the rest less.
Here’s the real fun: I’d bet a sizable amount that ALL the above examples are absolutely crap lays, the kind that has you.mumbling “WHY the fuck did I just do that?” as you stumble from their apartment, gray-faced.
Is there something about grey lantern that I’m missing? Freckles, red hair, HWP, nice face. That’s at least a 7 right there.
The picture itself isn’t great (too grainy), but she’s good looking.
She’s a 5, dude. I’m a red head fanatic, too, but she’s definitely 5 or worse. If she’s higher in your eyes, eh, we all have things that skew us on certain girls….
Unfortunate jawline, the “sweater?” suggests a substantial lack in cleavage.
nobody is denying your personal preference, but, given the poll results thus far, i would guess most folks think she’s average… neither pretty nor ugly.
i’m with you picking her as the top, partly in hopes the jawline is more picture angle than reality. and less makeup but still ok looking. although with the options, nothing’s going to really get me going.
Wow, just wow. Let me tell you why that is wrong. Looks like a heroin head to me
What do you guys think about this #banbossy shit?
Fucking femcunts.
Hopelessly stupid.
A lot of people are pointing out Tina Fey’s book, “Miss Bossypants” pretty much takes the wind out of that sail.
It’s got a ton of support from influential persons and organizations.
Banning words. What’s next? Burning books.
“I was called bossy when I was in ninth grade,” Sandberg recalled. “My teacher took my best friend Mindy aside and she said, ‘You shouldn’t be friends with Sheryl. She’s bossy.’ And that hurt.”
Lo. Sandburg was a bossy bitch in high school too. No surprise.
It’s got a ton of support from influential persons and organizations.
It seems to, which reminds me: I’ve been amazed that Google has not lost more support over its outrageous, brazen endorsement of every Leftist cause under the sun. I can’t understand why people stand for it when there are alternatives, folks.
As for the campaign, I predict a fairly prompt fizzle-out. People who actually have kids know what behaviour they do and don’t want to see. (My three-year-old has a tendency to don bossypants, which my wife and I have discussed numerous times. You think I’m going to let her continue it into adolescence?)
Not worthy of thought
Especially when you can’t see their figures.
Even females swear up and down that female bosses suck compared to male ones. (Hence the popularity of The Devil Wears Prada among women.)
Bossy – adjective,
given to ordering people about; overly authoritative; domineering.
Ex. Unilaterally telling people what words they can and can’t use.
The irony is hilarious, but the power given to such stupid corporate feminazi social engineering is frightening.
I admit to not getting the joke on “cat rape”. I thought we were voting on the actual cat, which I found to be a reasonably handsome cat, so I gave him an 8. Sorry, dudes.
Cats are usually gay as shit, but its expression and body language in that pic made me chuckle. Totally more alpha than his gay owner.
but its expression and body language in that pic made me chuckle.
Yes, and the clincher is that he looks to be sporting a great huge “walrus”-type moustache, so that he looks like a splendid beast of a Victorian gentleman. Alpha cat for the win.
Pussy’s pussy…
I hovered around the 4-6 range for almost everyone. Had to give Lindy a zero.
I’ll refrain from voting since I know no one gives a rat’s rear what I think.
I wonder if the psychology in something like this is similar to police lineups. An 8 in a lineup of 2-5s might garner a 10 because the difference is so striking, whereas an 8 in a lineup of 7-9s ends up with the more accurate rating.
doubtful. there might be some (slight) variation, but, objectively, a ten is a ten is a ten (or a nine is a nine is a…, etc.) no matter matter how many other chicks of whatever degree of beauty you put beside her.
I gave the two redheads (both manjaws, arg) higher than I normally would simply because of the red hair (first one’s looks fake, but could be real). Other than that, I think I’m right in line with you all.
Thwack, we found your future baby mommas. Ugly and clearly with blattitude. Rape!
Pleasantly surprised to find that for almost every entry my votes exactly coincided with whichever number was getting the most votes. The exceptions were “Jesus Wept” (my generous 1 was behind the majority’s 0) and “Sweatershop” (my 2; the world’s 5; really, world? five?).
This was fun!
Boner don’t lie scale is the only one I need…..
Lindy West could be a 7 and would look like S E Cupp if she lost weight .
Until she opened her mouth.
Definitely fell in line with most everyone else, with Right Triangle being the only 7 I could muster. I’m sure Sweatershop, Split Ends, Stroke&Poke, and Gray Lantern could put themselves together for a night and come across as high 7′s in passing, after a few drinks.
Funny. When you look at TheChive’s posts, “There are sexy chivers among us”, it should be a Question instead of a Statement.
And the answer is Yes;
10% of the Chivettes on any post are sexy.
b) @CH, Can we have a “Explain/expound-on the ugliness of Tracie Egan/Lindy West [or x,y,z jizzabel/feminist]” essay contest here? I would love to read the submissions.
+1 on chive. even the gap albums aren’t that great
the best are usually in the random albums
Yellow Queen was probably the best of this bunch. Her face is average as far as Asians go, but she has a nicely toned slender body with no fat.
Agreed. Only 8 in the bunch IMO.
Posts like these are great.
First pic is def what I’m talking about with the 5.5 business. Like, she’s kinda cute, but kinda not.
A lot of these seem to be influenced by facial expression — evidence for female game? For example, split ends I’d say is probably a 6….but because of the come hither look (and angle) gets rated on average a 7.
Likewise, the 2% is making an ugly feminist face but she’s probably average…like a 5.
Split ends is so hot. Look at those lips! I gave her a 9 (despite the fact that I recognize her and know she’s a feminist).
My thoughts exactly. Even the pic itself is arouding.
i hope ur fuckin with us. she’s got lindsay lohan teeth for fucks sake
Asian girl was the best because she was the thinnest and most lady-like.
Should’a had a Scratch-n-Sniff card to goes with this …
Split Ends is *by far* the most fuckable.
Right Triangle not too bad, though could just as easily be an extremely passable tranny.
NONE ARE FUCKABLE!!!!
if u need your dick wet hit the asian she’s at least not fucking disgustingly fat and i don’t even like fucking asians lolzozlzol
Lols, Bill the Cat.
“Ackk!”
lol. at Megan Fox being a ten. I mean, seriously? Post surgery, she’s starting to look like a fucking plastic doll. I don’t really swing that way.
Before, an easy eight, most likely nine. After? Well, if her name was not attached to the social status she posseses, I would probably pass.
The best looking girls from the article are mostly average. On a sunny day, with two kilos of make up, and me drunk out of my mind, maybe I’d rate the first a six. But that’s it.
You have to be a sperg to say Megan Fox was an 8 or 9. You simply *must* list her pre-plastic surgery flaws.
the girl with the unkept hemp hair has 9 potential depending on what the bod looks like
They are all zeroes because they are all men.
I love surveys like this, and the feeling I get when I see everybody else votes pretty much the same way I do. No sweeping disagreements here. I should throw Shamu’s picture up and let you all give her a score from 0 to 2 and then show her the poll and drink her tears of anguish.
But now that I no longer have to actually fuck her to keep my wood shop and get help with my truck payment… Sigh. I wish I had somewhere to go and it was an easy decision, but I don’t, so it ain’t.
Two weeks sex free means not having so much stench of desperation to try to scrub off myself, and some random chick from my past saw me for the first time in years, and remarked that I looked completely different, and confident.
Without full body shots (heh) it’s difficult to rate. Waist-hip ratio is the leading indicator for bonermetrics. Babygirl gotta have back!
I’ve seen some of these photos before. At least a couple of them are prominent millennial feminists.
In agreement with the majority on all but a couple. We men really do think alike, or rather it is our instinct that is so similar. What is funny is that most of those women will think they are beyond gorgeous. 6 is the cutest; 3 and 9 also bangable; I pass on the others including the Asian as Asians do nothing for me.
Incredibly lenient group of voters we have here. I didn’t see a 6 in that bunch. Three 5s, though.
Also dismayed at the some of the comments.
Here is an iron law: There is no such thing as a famous 10. The feelings of entitlement that fame and celebrity induce in a girl will automatically cap her at a 9.9. She can never be a 10. The only 10s are girls no one has ever heard of.
Truly amazing how alike men’s tastes are. Usually I’m more generous to women and give a point more than what everyone votes for them but today I was right in line.
Didn’t give any 0′s though, 1 sufficed for Lindy West and Jesus wept.
Man, some of you guys have really low standards. The only one I voted higher than the average was the asian bird.
5 , 2, 6, 4, 3, 7, 1, 4, 5, 0, 10, 3, 4