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Occasionally, CH showcases truly abhorrent beta males as “teachable moments” for the gathered readership, with the hope that readers will learn what kinds of behavior to avoid in their dealings with women (and men). This edition of Beta Of The Month (BOTM) features a smashmuff vagina-off between not two, not three, but FIVE detestable beta males for the honor of the bestest beta forever (BBF).


BOTM Candidate #1 was submitted by an anonymous emailer. A loosely-termed man does a poetry slam (faggot SWPL manboob alert) about his travails getting friendzoned all through high school. Instead of learning from his excruciatingly recollected misery, he instead chooses more of the same self-flagellation that got him nothing. (The stomach-turning point is at 2:09):

The psychological similarity between the liberal supine beta male and the liberal feminist fat apologist is striking. Both prefer to indict the boogeyman of inegalitarian societal expectation rather than admit their miserable outcomes in life are brought on by their own actions. Admitting their agency would mean admitting the power to improve their romantic lives is in their own hands, and that’s a power that is frightening to those types who wallow in the phantom freedom of powerlessness. Admitting that their romantic failure makes them miserable would mean admitting there is an intractable biological directive which cannot be disobeyed without inviting unhappy consequences, and that’s an ugly truth the ideologically bound equalist can’t handle.

Accepting power into one’s life means surrendering the martyr’s podium. Like any addict, that martyr’s podium is the only thing keeping the self-abnegating status whores tethered to sanity. Withdrawal is a bitch.

(Buttonhole Poetry, amirite?)


BOTM Candidate #2 was submitted by el chief. You have to wonder about a man who would agree to having this photo taken:

The cake icing reads, “Sorry about the divorce.” The crazy-eyed chihuahua lady is divorcing our intrepid beta, and rubbing his face in that fact. Now whether she’s just a sperg who didn’t mean no harm, or a sadist who likes to drive home the humiliation, is hard to say. Either way, he’s a huge beta for 1) letting their marriage decay to the point where she felt comfortable pulling this stunt on him and 2) standing there like a goof proudly displaying her heel mark on his face.


BOTM Candidate #3 was submitted by another anonymous acolyte of the lord of the flies. A divorced man gives advice to still-married men. His checklist reads like a rectal ring history of how many ass rammings he suffered at the hands of women pegging his delicate flower ego over the course of his stillborn life. See for yourself:

1. Never stop courting. – “Never forget that, as the husband, you are a second-class citizen who can lose it all in a second.”
2. Protect your own heart. – Meaningless pabulum, given the contradicting advice directly above it.
3. Fall in love over and over again. –  Kind of hard to do when your wife gets fat and bitchy.
4. Always see the best in her. – What if she just took a dump on your jazz LP collection?
5. It’s not your job to change or fix her. – So it’s not her job to change or fix you, either, right? Right?
6. Take full accountability for your own emotions. – “If you’re mad she cheated, that’s your problem. Deal with it.”
7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry. – “I’m sorry I made you cheat on me, honey.”
8. Allow your woman to just be. – “You want to screw a mandingo while I watch? I love it when you’re just being you!”
9. Be silly. – Easier than being dominant.
10. Fill her soul everyday. – May as well, since you won’t be filling anything else of hers.
11. Be present. – Because you don’t have a life outside of her incessant chatter.
12. Be willing to take her sexually. – This is the only good piece of advice in the whole list.
13. Don’t be an idiot. – Better yet, don’t be a beta pushover.
14. Give her space. – …to eat, pray, love.
15. Be vulnerable. – Cause you know how much those sexy babes love sensitive new age men!
16. Be fully transparent. – “I really want to stick my dick in the neighbor’s teenage daughter.”
17. Never stop growing together. – Not a problem in America.
18. Don’t worry about money. – If you’re a beta male, money is about the only leverage you have. Deleverage yourself at your peril.
19. Forgive immediately. – “I forgive you for withholding sex from me for five years.”
20. Always choose love. – You know what they call men who always choose love, no matter what? Stalkers.

Fuckin A, I feel dirty.


BOTM Candidate #4 was submitted by… well, by the universe. His name is: John Scalzi. *boom* And the mic gets dropped.

John Scalzi, for those of you who don’t know, is some kind of pulp sci-fi writer and avowed male feminist icon, two things which ought not go together, and which probably explains the dire condition of modern sci-fi. He recently was the unwilling subject of a funny male feminist meme when a prankster, (not CH, for the record, though if Scalzi wants to publicize his humiliation, why stop him?), grabbed a photo of him in his Sunday finest and hoisted him by his own retard.

First thing that comes to mind when I look at that pic is whether he stuffs his bra, or if that’s natural. Next thing I wonder is if he’s pregnant. And, finally, if the dog ate his inflated blog stats.

Scalzi was so butthurt by this misappropriation of his militant male effeminacy, that he struck back with a resounding declaration of how little he cared that people were calling him a feminist. I mean, come on, the guy’s got 20,000 acres to sow his domesticated oats. How many acres do you own?

(How faggoty do you have to be to use a term like “dudebro”?)

Scalzi’s nom for BOTM was the result of his life’s work in support of a national gelding project for white men. Here, for instance, is Scalzi declaiming that anyone who mocks his milquetoast feminist orthodoxy is a “woman-fearing moron”. And here is his infamous “anti-racism” Yankee Poodle status-whoring heretic-hunting gibberish comparing life as a white man to a video game on the lowest difficulty setting. (Anyone know the racial composition of Scalzi’s neighborhood?)

Regarding that last linked post, if you plan to communicate with a eunuch nerd such as Scalzi, you have to speak the language of the eunuch nerd. Now it’s been a long time since I tapped a video game for love, but I recall that playing an RPG-style game on the easiest setting meant that you would earn experience points more slowly than a player playing at a higher difficulty setting. You would also earn less treasure, and less valuable treasure. So I suppose what our eunuch nerd is trying to say is that non-whites advance faster in their careers and make more money.

Of course, Scalzi’s whole premise is garbage of the smelliest kind, but that’s to be expected from a PC-drenched eunuch nerd who refuses to acknowledge that races differ biologically and thus that any resulting “privilege” one race has over another in a culture full of vibrant diversity is an organically emergent phenomenon necessarily caused by differing innate abilities. Never mind the broader implications undermining this “anti-privilege” moral posturing that nations are, almost by definition, political structures designed to privilege its citizens over non-citizens. And that, as families and individuals, we all are trying our best to privilege us and ours over everyone else. To do otherwise would be folly. Scalzi, perhaps you’d like to forfeit your privileged 20 acres for a mule?

Some may recall that Scalzi was the inspiration for this term of art coined by yours truly, (although King A has his crackpot legal team assembled to prove he deserves equal coinage credit):

Scalzied is similar to being afflicted with palsy. The body and mind contort to accommodate delusional pabulum.

Instead of picking one nauseatingly trademark example of Scalzi’s betatude from among the mountain of betatudination he has amassed, a feat which would require an immense amount of man hours, (a concept with which Scalzi, as a lurching nerd member in slouched standing of the Ascended Testes Society, would have no familiarity), the entire oeuvre of his betatude is here presented for consideration of his rightful place on the Throne of Manboobs. May he wear his crown of tampons well.


BOTM Candidate #5 was submitted by too many readers to count. A Polish woman of questionable allure wants to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the ignominy of sleeping with 100,000 men. But since this contest is Beta of the Month, and not Mentally Deranged Slut of the Month, we have to read into the story a bit deeper to find our corrupted soul of a broken beta male.

Ania Lisewska, 21, is allegedly attempting to travel to every city in the world so she can have sex with at least 100,000 men for 20 minutes each.

A reader calculated this honorable goal to work out to 28 men per day, for ten pre-wall years, (that number will have to come down considerably, post-wall). About 9 hours of sex per day at 20 minutes per man.

“I want men from Poland, Europe and all around the world. I love sex, fun and men,” she said, according to the Austrian Times. “In Poland the subject of sex is still taboo and anyone who wants to fulfill their sexual fantasies is considered a deviant, a whore or mentally ill.”

A working definition of mentally ill is: Are you the only woman out of one million women who has this need?

The supposed sex marathon allegedly began last month in Warsaw, according to her Facebook page, and she hopes to have her way across Poland before moving to other countries.

So far, she’s had sex with 284 men, according to Fakt.pl and didn’t let the fact she has a serious boyfriend stop her.

He told the Polish language website he was “not thrilled” with her unusual hobby, but had no choice and “had to come to terms” with it.

There’s our beta.

The problem with stories like this one is the likelihood it’s a scam or a troll. However, if real, you have to give standing O beta props to this boyfriend who has “come to terms” with his girlfriend getting drilled like a Saudi oil field. And you can bet, despite subconscious misgivings, that feminists and their manboy lackeys, like “dudebro” above, will praise such a feeble, crooked specimen of manhood for his nonjudgmentalism and refusal to abide horrible double standards based in discredited biology.

I think that’s enough mucking around in filth for a day. To the vote… The Epic Showdown Beta of the Month is…Poetry slam boyman who rationalizes his friendzone fateHusband who gets divorce cake from crazy happy wife dreaming of alimonyDivorced man who gives godawful “suck it up” marriage adviceJohn ScalziBoyfriend of nympho who wants to bang 100,000 men on his watchVoteView ResultsPolldaddy.com


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