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Two women, to be precise. In a new book called “Stop Calling Him Honey… And Start Having Sex”, the two female authors dispense relationship advice that could have been lifted straight from the Chateau files. (Maybe they have?) For instance, they write that pet names are a surefire way to kill the sexual tension in a relationship.

Pet names — “honey,” “darling,” “super-snuggly-puggly,” whatever — need to be expunged from a couple’s vocabulary.

Calling your spouse your “pookie” or “huggums” flips a switch in the subconscious, and suddenly your husband or wife is no longer that hot, sensual creature you once lusted after.

“It turns people into an asexual, cuddly teddy-bear toy that you want to spoon with and watch funny movies with and drink hot chocolate with,” says Davis, “but it doesn’t make you want toshag them!

“When you first meet someone, you’re hot for them,” she adds. “You’re not going to be calling up, going, ‘Hi, Pookie Wookie, what do you want to do later?’ No, you’re going to be calling up and going ‘Hey, Richard, so what do you want to do?’

While researching their book, Davis and Arana say they found an interesting pattern: the worse the pet names used by a couple, the worse their sex lives were.

In turn, the couples that didn’t use them tended to have healthier sex lives.

Mostly agreed. Goofy, cutesy pet names or perfunctory rote designations like “honey” that are meant to serve as expedient shorthand for validating relationship stability are sexual tension killers. It’s better to give her a sexy, slightly demeaning nickname like, oh, “slut”, and for her to call you by your manly real name. The only acceptable nicknames that she may call you are “stud”, “daddy” or “Prince of Penises”.

The Chateau has written before about giving nicknames — as opposed to pet names — to lovers:

Nicknames are great. They establish the proper paternalistic male – frivolous female dynamic that is the foundation of all successful and happy romantic relationships. Plus, they objectify women, and almost all women, contrary to the shrieks of dusty muffed feminists everywhere, harbor a secret desire to be objectified by condescending men. Imagine a cock slapping a chick’s face… forever. (plz to make animated gif.)

So you should always give women nicknames, preferably more than one to suit whatever happens to be the occasion.

Some of my personal favorites:

Lovechop.

Little Miss Muffin.

Showgirl.

Sugar Walls.

Miss Minx.

Princess Peach Pit.

Puss n Boobs.

Tits Ahoy.

Twinkletits.

Jujube.

Cock Envelope.

Queef Latifah.

Ho.

Good rule of thumb: the hotter the chick, the sluttier the nickname. It’s imperative that you sexualize a hot girlfriend soon after beginning to date her. Hot chicks have huge egos and crave a man who will bring them down to earth. This bringing down to earth process involves basically treating her like a convenient wet hole.

I’d steer clear of granting mushy or sexual nicknames to girls on first dates. That’s a fast track to disqualifying yourself as a needy pervert. Those are best saved for later on. Early game chicknames should be more teasing, less sexual. Like calling her Red Carpet when she shows up overdressed to an event, or Grace Kelly when she trips on the sidewalk.

You’ll notice that, for the most part, the Chateau-recommended nicknames are sexual, and somewhat degrading, in nature. And that they are strictly a one-way nomenclature. So the next time your chick calls you “honey”, don’t insta-reply with your own “honey”. Instead, gently remind her to call you by your blood and soil name. Swing a halberd overhead for good measure.

Continuing with the subject of this post, the two broads also say:

Still, the authors say, pet names — and their insidious cousin “baby talk” — are merely symptoms of a greater problem: the “roommate syndrome.”

On its surface, the roommate syndrome might sound like a decent partnership: Spouses do everything together and share all the same friends, interests and beliefs.

“We all have this romantic idea, the whole Cinderella thing,” says Davis. “‘Oh, I’m going to meet my Prince Charming and we are going to talk about everything together and be together all the time. We’re never going to argue. We’re going to do absolutely everything in front of one another. We’re just going to be so close.’”

A bad arrangement, she says.

“A couple years down the road, you’ve done everything together, you doing everything together, you’ve agreed with everything and frankly you look at the other person and you think, ‘Now what? I’m kind of bored because basically I’m talking to myself. I’m with myself, I’m with the other half of myself.’”

And that’s when the physical part of the relationship leaves town.

Baby talk is OK, as long as it is the woman feeling a compulsion to speak that way when in the private company of her man. Any man using baby talk with his woman should lop — or rather, daintily snip — his balls off and mail them to a scientific lab to be studied under an electron microscope for possible application in nanotechnology.

The fact is, women regress to a vulnerable child-like state when all their sexual buttons are being pressed by a man they love. Baby talk is a natural extension of this WIL regression to a submissive childhood mentality. It can get a little annoying for a man to hear this type of talk too much, so women would be wise to check themselves before they wreck themselves.

Where the authors are correct is in pinpointing the roommate syndrome as a leading cause of bed death. The hottest, most sexually satisfying relationships are never with lovers who are your carbon copy. A good lover isn’t so different that you can’t stand each other and hate their hobbies, but neither is he or she so similar that you can predict their every dull move. Since we know that hypergamous, non-harem mentality women get bored more quickly with relationships (66-80%+ of divorces initiated by women, and most LTRs ended by women), it stands to reason that if you want a long-lived marriage or LTR you should aim for girls who:

a. close and lock the fucking bathroom door when they take a dump, and

b. don’t share your hobbies.

You should also be worried if you haven’t had an argument with your GF or wife in the past year.

You might want to reconsider moving in together, as well. Or, if you do so, to at least have a separate study where you can occasionally get out of her sight, and vice versa.

Moving along, the authors write:

“Sex is the glue that brings us together,” says Arana. “Whenever we heard a couple say, ‘We spend all of our time together, and we never argue.’ Those were the couples we found in our research that, yeah, they never argued and they spent all their time together, but they weren’t having sex either.”

Those are the relationships, Arana adds, that are the most vulnerable.

They’re right. Have an argument, save your sex life. Generations of credential-waving, platitude-spouting fembot marriage counselors and therapists have had their lives’ work reduced to less value than the paper their worthless degrees are printed on by avatars of real world experience such as yer ‘umble narrators of this blog.

Here is some more shockingly useful advice from these two women:

Close the bathroom door.

No using the potty in front of your spouse, ever.

“You want to check yourself,” says Davis. “Would I have [used the bathroom] in front of my partner at the beginning of the relationship? No way! No way would you have done that.”

No man wants to hear the toilet water kerplunk when his beloved’s stool escapes her anus. This is true for women as well… that is, women don’t even want to hear their own stool kerplunk. Women are a bit more forgiving than men are about hearing their lover’s kerplunks, because a gruff, gross animalistic man is a turn-on for women, in measured doses.

Argue more.

This is not fighting, but holding your ground, keeping your own opinions and engaging in some playful arguments.

“It’s just about keeping an opinion, and even flirting a bit with banter, Katharine Hepburnish kind of banter,” says Arana. “A lot of couples don’t do it. They are so afraid of a difference of opinion.”

Nah, arguing is fighting. No need to prettify it. They’re right on the whole, though. A beta male’s biggest shortcoming is his fear of offending his woman. Hey betas, newsflash: women WANT you to offend them. Not all the time, of course. But enough times that she is helpfully reminded of the alpha male she wants to believe you are. Sexual tension can be ramped up to incredible heights by edgy, borderline insulting banter.

Have your own friends, interests and life.

“We don’t mean go off and have a separate life or not communicate with your partner, but you need to constantly keep growing as an individual,” says Arana. “Why not take an evening class if it’s something you’re interested in?

“You have to keep growing as an individual and then bring that back to the relationship.”

See: Poon Commandment III. The Chateau is well ahead of you, ladies.

Build a few walls.

Keep things close to the vest a bit. Don’t share everything that goes through your mind, especially sexual desires.

“You have to maintain a little bit of mystery,” says Davis.

Mystery, unpredictability, dread. All these male traits and behaviors — learned or organic — conspire to make a woman tingle so hard for you that she can’t think straight. It’s a superdose, superinjection of dopaminx right into her limbic clitoris.

In short, don’t become her best friend. Become her best lover.

If you’re wondering… yes, they are mutually exclusive.

***

I’ve noticed a trend lately of books and articles written by women that are plagiarizing borrowing from the themes espoused daily on this blog. Smart women — realistic women, and probably women who have been burned by stupidly banal relationship advice one too many times — are coming around to the everlasting fountain of wisdom and truth that is the Chateau. They don’t say it with quite the same.. verve… that we do here, but their message is beginning to converge with the Chateau’s message.

To that I say, welcome ladies! Your left eyes are better.

[crypto-donation-box]

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