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I’ve devised a formula for determining the strength of a relationship and its long term potential based on the time it takes for me to feel comfortable farting in a girlfriend’s presence.

TTF (Time To Fart) + SOE (Sense Of Embarrassment) / LOF (Loudness Of Fart) + NOF (Number Of Farts per episode) + FDS (Farts During Sex) = RS (Relationship Strength)

The variables in the formula are converted into numerical values.

TTF is the number of months that have passed without a farting incident in her company. 1 = one month, 2 = 2 months, etc. A particularly brazen man would have a TTF of 0.033, indicating he farted in front of her on the first date.

SOE is based on the embarrassment I feel for farting around her. An SOE of 0 is… zero shame! An SOE of 10 is crippling embarrassment, and a burning guilt for violating my precious lady’s modesty so vulgarly.

LOF is based on decibels. An LOF of 10 (admittedly a somewhat subjective measure) is an ear-splitting fart that scares the cat. An LOF of 0 is an SBD.

NOF is the number of farts I feel comfortable releasing immediately after the first one has escaped. An NOF of 3 farts within a short time window indicates comfort with the act of farting in my girl’s presence. A high NOF of 20 suggests a sadistic pleasure with watching my girlfriend’s eyes tear up.

FDS is a simple binary value for noting whether I am comfortable farting during sex, which is an inopportune (or not, you scoundrel!) time to fart that is particularly loathed by women. An FDS of 0 means I clench tightly when I feel a fart coming on, while an FDS of 1 means I help push it out when a fart is about to announce itself during tender missionary lovemaking. (It is especially funny when she can feel the vibrations of my fart against her pudendum.)

I didn’t include smell in the equation, because that’s an uncontrollable factor.

Once calculated, a high RS number means I hold in my farts when I’m with my girl to the point where I risk intestinal embolisms. I would not dare risk annoying her with an errant tush toot. Our relationship is likely a strong one that will last well into the second year.

A low RS number indicates trouble, as well as warm gas, brewing. I fart freely around the girl without remorse because I take her completely for granted. She loves the shit out of me and I know it, so I feel comfortable farting loudly, and often, in her presence, even when I’m piledriving her. An extremely low RS usually happens when I am dating below my level, and is an indication that I will cheat or dump her in short order.

Example 1:

  • TTF = 1 month
  • SOE = 0 (shameless)
  • LOF = 5 (kazoo)
  • NOF = 3 (tommy gun)
  • FDS = 1 (pumping motion moves gas along)

1 + 0 / 5 + 3 + 1 = 1/9 = 0.11 RS

The man in this example has a very low RS. He is probably porking a cow and has her make him a ham sandwich on Valentine’s Day.

Example 2:

  • TTF = 20 months (permanent damage resulted)
  • SOE = 10 (tried to blame it on dog)
  • LOF = 1 (clenched hard to prevent noisemaker, but mouse squeak escaped through restricted opening)
  • NOF = 1 (but it was a 30 second doozy of sweet relief)
  • FDS = 0 (violate such a sacred moment? never!)

20 + 10 / 1 + 1 + 0 = 15 RS

The man in this example has a very high RS. He is a beta provider who is with his first ever girlfriend (and sexual partner). He will ask “how many licks?” when she tells him to eat her out during her period. As long as she isn’t too far out of his league, he will likely marry this girl and die from a backed up fart that snaked its way to his brain.

On average, most of my relationships have an RS of between 0.8 and 1.2. If you regularly maintain RSs in the 0.01 to 0.15 range, you are either slumming it with heifers and calling yourself a player, or you are a super alpha who can get away with passing wind in your HB10 girlfriend’s face while she’s rimming you.

If you regularly score RSs in the 10 – 20 range, you are a platonic friend who has yet to realize it. You will not get anywhere with women until you first learn how to treat yourself to a satisfying blast of gas.


This is a reenactment of an actual conversation. It happened in bed, but Xtranormal does not offer a bed scene as a backdrop.


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