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Texts From The Female Id

Texts From Last Night is a great source of insight into the true nature of women’s sexuality. Why? Because it’s a compilation of texts that typically have been sent under the influence of alcohol, AKA truth serum, or of texts meant for trusted confidants.


What women really think of your emoticons:

he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal [with] this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

Remember Maxim #101?

For most women, five minutes of alpha is worth five years of beta.

Here’s a text from a girl confirming that maxim:

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

That is a wicked soulrip worthy of Pinhead’s hooked chains.

Being a beta provider in today’s sexual marketplace is a net negative:

I’ll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don’t leave RIGHT when the bassist does.

Pre-selection is the most powerful animating force of female desire:

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is “my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her” and it makes me proud…. so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

Chicks dig jerks, series without end:

he said ‘i love fucking you, ashley’. it was the most romantic thing he’s said during sex because he actually used my name.

At least the guy was honest. Truth is, that’s what most men mean when they think about romance.

It turns out someone got a hold of my texts and posted them to TFLN. I’m embarrassed by these, but since they’re already out there, it’s best if I just show them to you right now, like ripping off a band-aid, and hope the whole thing blows over quickly.

do you do anal?


[GIRL] hey, i’m sorry but i have to cancel for tonight.

[ME] :)))))))))))))))))))


[GIRL] you really are an ass.

[ME, three months later] you say something?


[GIRL] last night was fantastic, sexy boy.

[ME] tell me about it. i totally kicked your butt in scrabble.


i didn’t know you had a younger, hotter, tighter sister.


i left the bar tab for you. thanks, cutie!


your pussy smells

[15 minutes later] delightful.


you’re breaking up with me? was it the dutch ovens?


i’m not giving you 500 bucks to see an immigration lawyer. your blowjobs aren’t that good.


[GIRL] i’m really falling for you!

[ME] don’t get pregnant.


[GIRL] why do you have to be such a jerk?

[ME] why do you have to be such a jerk-lover?


[GIRL] i don’t think this is going to work out.

[ME] your mom!

[GIRL] i’m being serious. it’s over.

[ME] your mom!


thanks for the romantic evening fucking in your husband’s bed.


sorry, men’s nipples really aren’t that sensitive. stop projecting and focus on the important parts.


i’ve never seen a naked body like yours.


730, thurs, at the pub down the street. wear your fuck me pumps.


i think i might’ve accidentally farted in your cat’s face.

I’m so ashamed. :/


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