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What Did I Do Wrong?

We have a new series called “What did I do wrong?” here at the Chateau. You write in with a sad tale of chumpery describing where you went wrong with a girl(s), and Chateau proprietors explain your mistake and offer advice on how similar situations should be handled in the future.

Joe writes:

Last night I was at a concert taking place in an open field with some friends. We were having a great time when literally the hottest chick I have ever seen in my life (that’s saying a lot) comes up to me and asks where the bathroom is. In retrospect, I feel like I could’ve used game and salvaged the night. Anyway, here’s how the conversation went. If you could, let me know where I went wrong. I had absolutely no idea what to do in this situation:

HER: Hey, do you know where the bathroom is.

ME: (pointing to the farthest possible porto potty about two football fields away). It’s right over there.

HER: (stares into the distance for a good five seconds) Are you kidding me? My friends told me there was one over here.

ME: I am dead fucking serious. Your friends must have lied.

She leaves and takes my dignity with her.

Joe, one thing I don’t get from your story — were you deceptively pointing her in the direction of a bathroom that was at the farthest distance possible? Or was that really the closest bathroom to your location? If the former, then your game was weak, unless it was a ruse to join her on the long trek and attempt a pre-void pickup.

Where you went wrong: calling her friends liars. Better to have said her friends must be playing a joke on her. Harsh terms like “lie” are too negative to toss around in a serious manner during early game. A better answer would be more playful, e.g.:

HER: Are you kidding me? My friends told me there was one over here.

ME: Maybe they meant that big oak tree over there? I’ll cover for you.

The chick had to go to the bathroom, so you wouldn’t have had much time to game her even if you could pickup faster than she can remember her full bladder. And girls aren’t in a receptive frame of mind when they have to pee. Multiply that unreceptiveness tenfold if she’s turtling.

The obvious solution to your quandary would have been to join her on the long walk to the faraway toilets. Tell her you’ll walk with her because you’ve got to head in that direction anyhow. Unless she has an instant revulsion to you, she will agree to let you walk with her, and now you’ve got two football fields worth of distance to amp up any nascent attraction. Try not to make potty jokes. A girl never feels less attractive than right after giving birth or just before dropping a deuce. No need to remind her of that.


“F” writes:

I am a huge fan of your work. It has changed the way i look at women. This is the first time i send you an email. I’d like to submit (or elevate!) to your attention an email exchange i had with a girl i recently met only once, about a month ago. Since the first meeting (more details below) we have been emailing back and forth and the interaction has developed on a purely virtual basis. no follow up meet has happened yet. Clearly some bits of my interactions reek of beta-ness but i’ve tried to inject game in this exchange and to adjust the aim during the process. I have applied some game knowledge which seems to have kept the interaction alive (as expected) but i have arrived at a bit of a crossroads. She seems somehow intrigued by me but not enough to push it to the next level.

Background: I have met this solid 8.5, eternal ingenue type, at a bar in a business environment. After being introduced by a mutual acquaintance we start chatting and i immediately steer the conversation into non business related matters, completely skipping the “what do you do” thing, and specifically teasing her  in this respect, asking her to stop pitching her business to me (we just swap cards) and started tenuously qualifying her. After maybe 5 minutes of interaction, she introduces me to some business associates of hers (she works for a law firm my firm does business with) and goes back talking to her other colleagues, leaving me alone with the associates she introduced me to. After some polite conversation with her associates i leave the venue (completely ignoring her). She emails me the following day. the interaction starts at the [top].

My question to you is: Is there a way i can improve my email game with this particular person? What would you have done if you were in my shoes and most importantly, how would you take it from here? How can you -in general- generate an initial attraction/intrigue via email? as practitioner of day game, it happens quite often that the initial buying temperature after the number close is still very low and needs to be increased via texting or email…otherwise it might be difficult to get her not to be flakey.

looking forward to your reply If you ever decide to publish this exchange on your website (which you are welcome to do), I would kindly request you not to disclose my name nor anything that could compromise my or her identity (although i have already tried to edit out all the relevant details).

Thanks a million


P.S. my comments are in brackets <…>


HER: <this is the first email of the interaction…her self esteem seemed irked by my leaving the venue without homaging her with my attention>

Hi F,
Nice meeting you last night.  Unfortunate that we didn’t get a chance to chat more, I turned around and you were gone – were you bored by my colleagues or just the <her firm’s name> pitch? 🙂
<her name>

🙂 Well, to be honest, I was bored by both (but I admit I also had to run to meet some friends).  Its ok, you can make it up to me by taking me for a coffee sometimes..under one condition: no shop talk 😉 Ciao

Sure, happy to – how does your schedule look this/next wk?
Cheers, <her name>

I am free Friday, we can hang out after work. Cool?

I can’t this Friday I am afraid (it’s my birthday) – any other day perhaps?

ME: Happy birthday. I am around Saturday for early drinks, otherwise next week (not Monday, I am going to the racetrack in ZZZ).

HER: Would it be possible to meet next week? I am not feeling well..

ME: Well..I hope u didn’t get sick on your b’day.
Let’s meet wednesday at 7pm at <trendy neighborhood bar>

<She calls me 15 minutes before the meet and cancels claiming she had to work. I act unfazed and actually say “I don’t care”>

HER: <she immediately emails after the call apologizing again for the last minute cancellation>.
So sorry – I live in XXX so I’ll drop you a line later and if you are out maybe we can grab a drink in that area?

ME: <after 20 minutes>
I doubt it, am not free later tonight. Maybe next time. Ciao.

HER: <immediately>
Sure. How was the racetrack in Zxxxxx by the way?

ME: <after 20 minutes> adrenalinic. that’s what I need to wash away the week’s inertia.

HER: <replies after 10 minutes> Very cool.  Were you a spectator or a participant?

ME: <after a few hours>
Participant of course. I wouldn’t bother to go all the way to zxxxxx to watch other people racing.

HER: <replies after 1 day>
Either way sounds like a lot of fun.  How often do you go?

ME: <ignoring her question>
Yeah its one of the things I like to do. So…and what rocks your boat? Who are you?

Hmm, it kind of depends on my mood?  Last wknd I indulged in a bit of self pampering with massage and facial on Saturday followed by an intense afternoon of horseback riding on Sunday..how long have you been racing?

I have been racing for a year or so…but my real passion is martial arts.
Hmm…our pursuits couldn’t be more polarized. Leisurely Horseback riding, spa and massage…versus Car racing and martial arts…Relaxation vs adrenaline!
By the way I hope your employers pays you well because you still owe me the coffee from the beginning of this thread..and trust me, I am gonna pick a really super expensive coffee shop.

Chuckles – “leisure” horseback riding couldn’t be farther from truth. I did the arena training last weekend – we are talking real 1500 lbs horsepower with a mind of its own..i want to be good enough one day to go to one of those working ranches and round a herd of wild cattle, that would be uber fun.
Yes yes coffee is overdue – do you like hot chocolate?  I LOVE Caffé XYZ’s hot coco con panna.

Gee..I’ve forgotten you’re Texan…and a lawyer 😉
So from 1 to 10 how adventurous are you?

🙂 and you are from Ixxxx and a <my profession> guru except you don’t like to shoptalk in your spare time (me neither).

Hard to rate b/c it depends on how you define and what you consider is adventurous? But I am definitely a believer of carpe diem. What fun do you hv planned for the wknd?

Oh dear… The definition of adventurous. Foggeddabboudid 🙂

Actually…let me give you an example:
Tomorrow I am going with a few friends  on a boat trip to XXX. Sea, Beach and (hopefully) sun… if you were to join me on a whim with such a short notice (vessel leaves at 10am sharp on pier 1, return in the afternoon) then I would consider you (on my scale), a robust 7, maybe even a probable 8. I would be more than impressed by your initiative, understanding and application of the spirit of the horatian carpe diem. Makes sense? 🙂

Sounds like a lot of fun (and thank you for the invitation) but I have horseback riding in the morning! 🙂 I guess I’ll just have to impress with my cupcakes or something…do you golf by any chance?

ME (I reply after 2 weeks)
I don’t like cupcakes nor golf. Too bad.

HER (replies immediately):
Ouch 🙂 going anywhere interesting for <local festivity> tomorrow?

Am in NY right now..am out with friends. I love the city this part of the year. Will be here till the weekend

Yes, NY is fab around this time of year.  Enjoy..I heart NYC 🙂

am doing my best. This city never sleeps. What’s your plan for <local festivity>?

HER: Going to YYY <nearby tourist destination>, can’t wait!  Where abouts in NYC are you hanging out?

YYY? I strongly recommend staying in this hotel <url>. Stayed there last year.
I am on my way back home now. Have to work tomorrow.

Thanks! Looks really pretty..

Your first mistake was not getting her home number. Swapping business cards, and hence email contact info, is too formal. A number exchange personalizes the pickup, and puts her on notice that you don’t intend to treat her as a business associate.

Your second mistake was relying on email game to move the seduction forward. In fact, email communication is anhedonic. It will actually move you further from seduction once you’re past the minimum threshold needed to set up a face to face date. Endless emailing is yappity yappy, and it’s been noted many times here that girls prefer a little mystery in their men. Serial email rapport strips away mystery and makes you seem less manly with each email exchange that passes without a real life meeting transpiring. It bears mentioning as well that the longer you email the more likely you are to blurt something that lowers her buying temperature instead of raises it. Even the wittiest seducers will say something unattractive if enough words are spilled, and, unfair though it may be, to the mind of a woman one misstep can erase ten tingle amplifiers.

I included the entirety of your email exchange because, even though it is painfully tedious, I wanted the studio audience to see what “try-hard” looks like in all its morbid desperation. There is simply too much emailing going on here for a girl you haven’t yet fucked, let alone haven’t yet *met for a date*. Dude, no joke, I have had less total email communication with girls I have been fucking for a year.

Be that as it may, as email game goes, yours suffered from many unforced errors.

1. Too many smilies and question marks. A good rule of thumb when texting or emailing a girl is simply to refrain from using emoticons or question marks at all. Following this rule will help rewire your brain into mimicking the brain of an alpha.

2. You gave her too many free times to meet. You said you were free Friday, Saturday, and next week (except Monday). That’s too much available time for a busy man of the world. And it’s best to avoid setting up first dates on weekend nights. She’s not that important, yet.

3. When she flaked 15 minutes before the first date, that should have been it for her. Not worth your consideration. At the very least, stop the emailing. You should have been setting up this fucking date over the phone anyhow, not through email! Email is a girl’s best friend because it gives her total freedom to respond when and how she likes. Email strips the pitch and timbre of your rumbling manly voice, and elevates her voice to equally persuasive footing. A girl needs to feel tension before feeling attraction, and you helpfully sucked the air out of any tension by allowing her to continue contacting you through email.

4. When she offered a second chance to meet later in the night, your reply sounded tinged with bitterness. “I doubt it” is not a good answer. A simple “maybe”, and nothing else, would have sufficed to keep the interaction on life support.

5. Why are you rewarding a flaky girl with a long, drawn out conversation about racing and other assorted snippets from your life? Has she earned this attention from you? These are the things you share with a woman when you are gazing in her eyes and your hand is inching up her thigh.

6. You played a “1 to 10″ qualification game with a proven flake over email. You pulled the trigger too soon. Save that powerhouse stuff for an actual date.

7. Never use the words “oh dear” if you are a man. Not even in ironic self-awareness.

8. Let me get this straight. You invited a known last minute flake to take a boat ride with you. And you are showering her with these rewards… why? I’m not at all surprised she turned you down again with some excuse about horseback riding. She’s got you exactly where she wants you  — giving everything and getting nothing in return!

9. Your response to her second rejection (two weeks later!) was more bitterness. Don’t you think she notices how abruptly your mood changes, from happy (if a bit strained) banter about boating to sullenness about not liking cupcakes or golf? And a two week delay makes it seem like you were stewing the whole time, for what man with a full schedule is going to remember what some chick said about cupcakes two weeks ago? Again, when spurned by a gameplaying woman, the best answer is short, noncommittal, and emotionally neutral. You neither like nor dislike. Make her guess what you’re thinking.

10. And in the end you give a flake the URL for a hotel you recommend. She gets her ego pumped up, and some helpful advice, all for the low low cost of…… no snatch for you! Despite their cheery smiles and sympathetic eyes, girls really do not respect men who give of themselves without taking anything in return. She wants you to take her pussy, and to do it with the minimal investment possible. Congratulations, sir, you are her personal LJBF beta orbiter.

Stop emailing her, she is a lost cause. If she emails you first, wait a few days before responding *with a phone call*. Do not reference anything she wrote. Act as if her words are merely a medium to enable your masculine essence to reach into the depth of her soul (conveniently located just behind her clitoris), and tell her email is for giggling schoolchildren, and she will meet you at X on X for a cocktail that is on her. If she agrees and you meet, you have recaptured hand. If she balks, wish her well and hang up. Life is too short.


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