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There is an easy way to assess the strength of your relationship without ever having to turn to that favorite solution of charlatans couples therapists everywhere. Who needs communication when you can gauge how strongly your partner feels about you by how often she spontaneously touches you?

In the interest of lowering the divorce rate, increasing the love rate, and decreasing the time wasted on a cocktease (or, in the case of you ladies, a ringtease), I’ve devised a simple system for analyzing the depth of your lover’s love for you.

The Spontaneous Touch Initiation Ratio (STIR) rests on a simple premise:

In every healthy, successful relationship, the woman will initiate non-sexual spontaneous touching at least twice as often as the man.

This non-sexual touching can take many forms. For example:

A light graze of fingertips across your back as she walks behind you at a restaurant to take her seat.

A tousle of your hair.

A hand on your thigh at the movies.

Arms wrapped around your neck while you and her are walking down the sidewalk.

Kiss on the cheek for no apparent reason.

A brush of “lint” off your shoulders or hair.

Any unnecessary grooming.

Grabbing your hand first to hold it as you walk.

Hand resting on the small of your back.

As you can see, there are many ways to intimately bond without inserting penis into vagina. Of course, holding hands *while* inserting penis into vagina is best of all, but unfortunately we don’t yet live in a society that tolerates genital couplings in public. Damn kids always spoiling a good time.

Since you want your woman to touch you at least twice as often as you spontaneously touch her, a male-female STIR that is equal to or less than 0.5 should be your goal. Here’s a handy chart that illustrates the different STIR ratios and what they mean for the health of the relationship.

STIR                 Odds She Is Cheating On You     Time Remaining Until Breakup

0.3 – 0.5           10%                                           Four years

0.01 – 0.3         1%                                             The time of your choosing

<0.01     Odds you’re cheating on her: 100%  The time she tolerates your polygyny

0.5 – 1.0          20%                                             Two years

1.0 – 2.0          40%                                             Six months

2.0 – 3.0          60%                                             Three months

3.0 – 10.0        90% (100% she’s thinking about it)   Two weeks

>10.0              100%. With three other dudes.      Didn’t you get the memo?

Why is 0.5 or lower the golden STIR number? Because in my experience, the typical woman in love (or in lust) will spontaneously touch you twice as often as you touch her. Exceptions exist, but they are unimportant in the scheme of things. The lower the ratio, the more she likes you (or the less you like her, same difference). The higher the ratio, the more likely you are impersonating this guy.

Do you really want to be that guy, the peabody puffboy who finds himself triangulated to the wrong end of a cuckolding? I didn’t think so.

Be cognizant of how often you touch your girlfriend or wife, and vice versa. If your STIR starts inching above 0.5, you need to amp up your game to bring it back down to an acceptable level. If your STIR is already above 1.0, you should move your assets overseas if you are married, and if you’re unmarried, you need to mentally prepare for an incoming dumping. There’s no better fun than anticipating a dumping from your girlfriend and turning the tables on her before she has had a chance to achieve cloooosure.

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