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Reader mailbag is an opportunity for you, the readers, to help lovelorn men (and women) achieve happiness in their lives. You may save a virgin tonight. Or a faltering marriage. Or a high living bachelor from the hooks and chains of marriage.
Email #1: Once more into the breach
Hello! Would be nice to get some opinions on the salvage ability or odds of getting back together/course of action to get back together of a little talked about situation an ultra short term “relationship”. – about 2-3 weeks.
This woman is a PhD, published and a well paid practicing psychologist/statistician…..are there certain guidelines when dealing with women like this..maybe she gets offended easily…or maybe she does not have a good sense of humor?
First date no previous contact ..date was excellent, great chemistry, passionate kissing call and email by her “had great time can’t wait to talk to you again”.
Second meeting about 10 days later..she invites me over late at night/early morning, massage, cuddling, close intimate time (hours) though no sex. Email by her next day “great seeing you last night just giving you the heads up might need to contact you for consulting again”.
However, after I received that email but before I checked my email to see it I sent her a text(SMS) with what I thought was a friendly ironic/sarcastic joking message about how she was so seductive..joking that she was the femme fatale that took advantage of the innocent guy that evening (an ironic joke). I felt we had a close enough rapport to handle this plus we had developed several inside jokes and plus she is a witty person and she is very physically attractive.
The following day she drops the bomb…after reading the text(SMS) message she regretted having me over and that comment turned things sour for her/felt uncomfortable and she shut everything down “you are a nice person, good luck”. LOL (I say).
Okay then, knowing specifically ruined things should make this straightforward, right? What is the plan of action (timeline, actions, etc.) to re-establish communication and get things back on track? This has to be approached differently than a longer term relationship because there are very few attachments/feelings. My intuition says NC [No Contact] is not appropriate, right?
Its been exactly 8 days since her cutting it off “break up” email to me. I sent her a voice mail and email apologizing for any hurt I caused her by the joke and emphasized it was a joke and lets just move on. I reassured I meant no disrespect or unkindness. These two were sent the day after I received her email.
I went NC for about 5 days and then shot her another upbeat voice mail telling her about a exciting thing that happened to me, wished her a good day and then mentioned that I agree it is good that we are calling it quits. I may have also sent a SMS or two earlier in the 5 day period. I don’t have a problem being naturally upbeat in communications with her.
All communications I send emphasize compassionately (not pleadingly) that I apologize for hurting her feelings…but I have never, ever, asked or suggested she take me back or anything of that nature. Seriously, I just want her to know that I did not mean anything bad by the joke and that I really did have a nice time with her. I’m not apologizing to her in a manipulative way so she will take me back..I just want to make it clear I was not trying to be an asshole.
I did, however, suggest we meet in person to talk this over. Anyway, She absolutely has not responded to any of them….everyone here seems to be able to get their girl to respond to them! This girl will not!
What do you do if a woman she goes completely silent? What snaps them out of it? Since we don’t know each other well should I be assertive and go ring her doorbell??? (I don’t think so but this is a different kind of situation). And what influence does the very short timespan of our knowing each other have on the NC strategy? I have a feeling there should be some modifications because how will a girl miss you if she has not formed strong attachment? She was very affectionate, wanted more contact with me and I feel we made a connection. Tomorrow will be the 9th day post “breakup” email. comments??
First, get an editor. This email is too long. Anyone else interested in receiving my wisdom has a better chance of being picked for reader mailbag if the email is two paragraphs or less.
There are no different guidelines when dealing with a credentialed woman than there are dealing with any other kind of woman. Nearly all women respond the same to game. An analogy: A male MIT grad will be just as turned on by a nice rack and ass as a male high school dropout.
Here is where I believe you went off the rails: You forced her anti-slut defense hand with your text message. It’s not a good idea to insinuate that a woman is a manipulative sexpot before you’ve had sex with her. It’s especially not a good idea after the second date when you had almost crossed the goal line with hours (!) of foreplay only to leave her unsatisfied AT HER PLACE. And it’s really not a good idea to send a follow-up “ironic” text message that can so easily be misinterpreted without facial cues.
I bet this is what she was thinking: “Is this guy toying with me?”
I bet this is what her gina was thinking: “What kind of beta kisses me for hours without closing the deal?”
I’m not surprised she dropped the cunty “good luck” text/call on you the next day. However, your second big mistake was in assuming her cunty reply was the end of the road. It was not. It was, instead, a killer shit test, which you failed. “LOL”? That’s how you responded? Do you know what “LOL” says to a girl who just called your shit out and put your balls in a vice?
“Ha, I got under his skin. I *knew* he was weak. Folded like a cheap lawn chair.”
Moving on, your post-mortem attempts to salvage the momentum you had on the second date are just cringeworthy. You “apologized for any hurt” you caused her? Dude, did you read the 16 Commandments of Poon? YOU NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. And you certainly never apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong. This is “How To Handle Female Psychology 101″. Massive, space-time ripping, Jumbotron fail.
Then of course you dug your hole straight to China with multiple follow-up texts and apologies. Are you a parody of a beta? I have a hard time believing someone who knows about my site would commit such elementary errors. You insist you’re not apologizing to her in a manipulative way, but that’s exactly what you’re doing. What else do you call apologizing for no reason, doing so over and over again in the face of the silent treatment, and generally acting like a desperate pud who hasn’t been touched by a woman since he puckered up to his mom’s teat for a meal?
No Contact strategy is for men on the road to alphahood. Who ever said you could work with alphas? No Contact strategy for winning back an EX-GIRLFRIEND won’t work on girls you’ve actively repulsed, and haven’t even banged.
Allot yourself a few hours and re-read everything on this site. Absorb it. And then not until you come to an epiphany about your counterproductive behavior should you consider meeting a new woman.
The emailer sent me a post script:
What about this kind of attitude:
Just sending a message like this which is treating her like a bad little girl (calling her bluff)
“Stop with your tests..I can see right through them!”
“you had me going there for a while, but now I see you are just playing games” so stop it because I am not amused and they are not working anyway….you are wasting your time.”
Comments? on this kind of attitude when she does not reply…furthermore, I have heard that women will test you by even breaking up for no reason..just to see how you handle it….have you heard of that?
Dude, this chick is unsalvageable. Too many mistakes of a deal-killing nature ruined your shot at turning it around with her. The most alpha-iest, wittiest, asshole-iest text or email in the world isn’t going to save you now. All it’s going to do is further destroy your dignity. I wish I could tell you something more positive, but the fact is, at this point the most alpha response would be:
In the future, stick to these rules:
- Hours of foreplay is beta. Always be closing.
- Never apologize, even if you accidentally kill her cat.
- Don’t text. If you must text, keep it short and sweet. Force yourself to write no more than five word replies without the crutch of emoticons.
Email #2: Don’t embrace me, bro!
I am dating a woman who periodically characterizes our relationship as one of casual dating. From there she proceeds to talking about other guys. Sometimes I counter with discussions of my other (presently fictional) girls. Other times I tell her she’s not allowed to date other guys. I’m always annoyed by the conversation.
Understanding that text book responses include agree and amplify, don’t let it phase me, and get other girls, any other alternatives you might suggest?
A common shit test women employ is the “Anti-commitment” ruse. The way you responded (by mentioning other girls) is not good. Most women will see through that counterinsurgency tactic as the flailings of a man who got his ego pricked.
I suggest responding in one of two ways:
- Ignore her provocations. A simple “Cool” will suffice when she pulls this rabbit out of her hat.
- Call her bluff, obliquely. “Phew, I was hoping you’d say that.” Then say nothing more. If she presses, (and 99% of women will press), all you have to know is that you are in the driver’s seat. A woman pressing for info is a woman who has lost hand. Go on to inform her “We’re playing it by ear. I like your maturity about this.”
Reframe, baby. Turn that bitch right round.
Email #3: The silverback doesn’t say sorry
Hey – wondering if you could clear up a crucial point your philosophy of game that’s been troubling me for some time now. You say explicitly that men shouldn’t simply “be themselves” and should impersonate confidence and dominance in order to win women. Clearly you say this in an effort to increase a mans confidence, a laudable goal I couldn’t agree with more. Yet when I’ve tried “not being myself” and faking confidence and strength, paradoxically, I actually felt much LESS confident and secure than those times when I’ve simply been myself! And I’m sure this came off in my emotional demeanor, because when I’ve tried faking confidence I’ve actually done worse with women, and things would only get better when I got sick of faking it and scorned to be anything other than be myself. Women would then immediately pick up on my confidence and respond positively.
Further, it seems to be that most betas problems is that they are afraid to actually be themsleves – to admit their desires, to go after what they want, to take the mask off, and their “niceness” is not necessarily who they are but who they think they should be. The “don’t be yourself” theme is one of the cornertsones of your approach, and you repeat it many times, but it seems to actually generate more insecurity and anxiety than being yourself, which might take courage and strength. The great paradox seems to be that faking confidence seems to doom you to not getting confidence, wheras refusing to fake who you are seems to the first step towards generating genuine confidence. Can you clarify your thinking for me? Thanks so much!
More precisely, I say men shouldn’t “be themselves” if being themselves is not getting them laid. Alphas who are getting pussy can be their bad selves all they want.
If you’re feeling confident being yourself then that will redound in positive female attention. Then there is no reason for you to change your personality wholesale. Otherwise, I really don’t see the point of your email, except as a feeble attempt to undermine a core tenet of game. Are you a woman impersonating a man? Feel free to be honest.
Confidence is the result of years of successful interaction with women. A man getting the love of women is a confident man. A man getting scorned is a doubtful man. Confidence is not some abstract, nebulous ephemera that alights like cosmic dust on a man who wills it into existence. Confidence is a manifest set of behaviors and attitudes that reflect a man’s inner emotional harmony. This emotional harmony is better known as “becoming alpha”. A man not getting what he wants in life can observe, learn, and mimic the behaviors of confident men until he starts experiencing the success he wants and his emotional state follows in accordance. There is no definition of confidence that doesn’t include these behaviors and attitudes.
Email #4: DHV
I have been looking for this site for 3 years. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Me balls, they are licked. You’re welcome.
Email #5: Lie to me I promise I’ll believe
Hey, I just discovered your blog. It’s great, keep it up.
How do you react to the “is she hotter than me” shit test? I can laugh most shit tests off pretty effectively, but this one utterly baffles me. You can’t just pretend like she didn’t say it. “she” is of course always a 10, probably a celebrity. Can you just say “yes”? Deflect it with a joke? What do you think?
Reframe. “I like confident women. Are you self-confident?”
Alternatively: “She’s different hot.”
Email #6: Bloupie bonanza
First off, I like your blog. You are a great writer! I don’t apply your techniques in my life, but it’s still a really fun read.
I read your article – “What a Girl’s Job Tells You” – and read your comments about girls that are bloggers:
If she writes a confessional online diary, expect her to be passive-aggressive, petty, moody, cruel, untrustworthy, vengeful, and highly libidinous. Make a sex tape as soon as it is feasible so you can use it as blackmail in the event of post-breakup threats to out your dirty laundry on her blog.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating: N/A
Long Term Potential Rating: N/A
I was wondering how universal you think this assessment is? What evidence, if any, do you have to back it up?
As it turns out, I am dating a chick that has one of these blogs. If you have first-hand experience, I’d like to hear a bit more.
Yes, my assessment is accurate. My evidence is double digit bloupie (blogger groupie) hookups with girls who also write blogs. Sure, there are notable exceptions, (one sweetiepie comes to mind right now), but most chicks who write exhibitionist blogs are going to share some damning personality traits, and not the kind of traits that make for a good long term prospect or marriage material, if that’s what you’re looking for. But if you want a wife or girlfriend who is an emotional basketcase, a born again slut, and an insecure saboteur all in one delightful package, then you can’t go wrong with a blogger chick. Double up on the condoms.
For these reasons, I stopped hooking up with blogger chicks. Dating them was beginning to feel like a broken record. Same old same old. They are great lays and can be a lot of fun at times, but their neuroses and awkwardly self-debasing gameplaying can quickly grow tiresome.
I now actively screen for girls who *don’t* write blogs, much like I screen out girls with multiple cats. If I find out she writes a blog, particularly a sex or relationship oriented blog, I get my bang in and immediately demote her to third tier. It’s been a big improvement to date only girls who don’t feel a need to splash their dirty laundry and hangups all over the internet.