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Oh man, this picture of a herb doing what comes naturally is almost too gruesome to contemplate:
[For this post we have a guest appearance by the judges from ‘American Idol’]
Simon: Paula, your thoughts.
Paula: I think they look cute together. He’s different, he’s unique. I like him.
Simon: [rolls eyes] Randy?
Randy: Dawg, this herb is doing his thing.
Paula: The chin cradle shows real love. [starts to cry] What the world needs are more herbs like him.
Randy: [addressing supine herb] I’m feeling ya, dawg, but dawg, maybe you could, you know, tone it down a bit, you know what I mean dawg?
Simon: Well, I think this herb is dreadful. His puffy face, his soft plush body of a woman, his chipmunk cheeks… just horrible. If I wanted to see something soft and cuddly lay down in the fetal position and rest its noggin in a woman’s lap to be stroked and petted I would get her a fluffy bunny rabbit. The rabbit would probably have bigger balls.
Paula: Simon! That’s mean.
Randy: [to herb] You know, he’s got a point dawg. In the hood, guys like you would get turned upside down by our bitches for your pocket change.
Simon: Randy speaks for the hood about as much as I do.
Paula: [to herb] I think you look fine. You are doing what two people in love do.
Simon: [to Paula] But does he make your gina tingle?
Randy: That’s a “No”, dawg! [Randy high fives Simon]
Simon: [to herb] Look, a word of advice. If you want this girl to stick around, you need to stop acting like a bowl of Jell-O. That means stop planting your face in her lap like a cat. Man up! Her face should be in your lap, nibbling your knob. Especially in public, for god’s sake!
Herb: [fat cheeks quivering with anger] Simon, you suck. I love her, and that’s all that matters. Not everyone has to fit into your alpha-beta categories!
Paula: You tell him, herb!
Simon: [herb’s girlfriend crawls out from under the table by Simon’s chair, wiping her mouth] I’m sorry, I was busy. What was that you were saying?
Ryan Seacrest: [to herb] Congratulations, you’re going to suicide watch, my friend!
There are only two ways a man can act like this herb without suffering the consequence of major beta heartbreak over and over again:
1. Date an Asian girl, or
2. Date women less attractive than himself.
For those of us who prefer to grab the brass ring and date good-looking girls who have options in the sexual market, nauseating herbitude of the type shown in this photo should be avoided as much as possible. At the very least you shouldn’t snuggle up like an albino Smurf into your girl’s lap in public.