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Wed Man Walking

Commenter Max from Australia made the following observation about Brad Pitt:

Brad Pitt has been totally “pwned” by marriage, he should be the happiest dude in the world, loaded and with great looks. But look at a recent photo, the spark in his eyes has died. In his head the mantra is “get me out of here…get me out of here “.

He’s been cuckolded into looking after 4 kids who arent his, and handcuffed in by 2 kids who are……His own kids allegedly get beaten up by the bigger kids in the “tribe”.

And his wife just keeps getting nuttier and he looks just as beaten down as any married schmuck.

Here is the recent photo of Brad Pitt that Max linked to. You can see Pitt has been “Al Bundy-ized”:

“Peeeeeeggg!”

Eyes glazed over. Not a hint of a smile. We’ve all seen this: The morose married man listlessly shambling around the mall with yapping wife and ungrateful brats in tow; the man who didn’t know what he was getting into and has subsequently had the joy of living beat out of him. Yes, not even marriage to Angelina Jolie, a top 1% woman (for her age), can stop this zombie-fication process. Brad Pitt is marching to the gravesite of his soul. He has lost the fight in him.

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UPDATE: Turns out Pitt is probably not married to Jolie (though there are persistent rumors of a secret wedding). This is what I get for not keeping up with the latest moronic Hollywood celebrity gossip. I’m so ashamed. Nevertheless, my point stands. Pitt got roped into a multi-adoption, weirdo wife pseudo-marriage. He looks like a married man who woke up wondering what the hell just happened. Substitute almost any 5+ years married man you see walking about town and the truth of my observations becomes indisputable.

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What women don’t seem to understand is that men could well do without the institution of marriage. We wouldn’t miss it at all. We could be perfectly happy in non-marital long term relationships. Men don’t breathlessly leaf through bridal mags or get jealous when our friends get hitched. We don’t dream of the wedding ceremony starting at the age of four. Married men *may* live longer than single men (though these claims are in dispute), but their psyches, their souls, and their masculine essence die long before their bodies do.

Once the first couple years of childless, lustful flush wanes, the married man becomes the walking dead… unless he revitalizes himself with a young mistress.

Maxim #11: The greater the sexual market value disparity between the husband and his depreciating wife, and the more kids they have, the more life the husband has sucked out of him.

For instance, Angelina Jolie is on the downward slope with the wall rapidly approaching. She is looking more like a man every day. They have adopted kids from all over the world. Nonbiological kids are not loved as much by parents as biological kids would be, don’t let them tell you otherwise. The resentment shows itself in little ways. Brad Pitt is still very much at the peak of his sexual power. He could have almost any 9 and 10 in the world. And he knows it. Instead, he is shackled to an androgenizing, aging Jolie and a zillion kids, only a couple of which are his. And the adopted kids are beating the shit out of his own flesh and blood. He has to be thinking “Why did I sign up for this?”.

I do believe it is time for a handy chart to illustrate the gradual psychological degradation of the married man, as seen in the emptiness of his gaze.

Years                % Sexiness                       # of Kids                 Spark of Life
Married             Remaining in Wife                                            in Man’s Eyes      
0-2                    100                                         0                    sparkling with life
2-5                     80                                         1-2                   serene and stoic
5-7                     60                                         1-3*                          glassy
(one semi-retarded)
7-10                  50                                         1-3*                   1000 yard stare
(one gay)
10-12                40                                         1-4*                       serial killer
(one adopted,
different race)
12-15                20                                         1-5*                         comatose
(one flamboyantly gay,
two adopted,
one autistic,
one hates you)
15-20                5                                           1-5*                           zombie
(one drug addict,
one with gender confusion,
son who throws like girl,
one who looks like Samuel Jackson,
one in jail for filming upskirt vids)
20-infinity       -100                                 Lost count                      Terminator

The evidence is clear. Your best bet as a man is to NOT GET MARRIED. JUST SAY NO. DON’T DO IT. ARE YOU CRAZY?

Don’t emulate Brad Pitt. Instead, be like this guy:

Those eyes are full of life. That smirk says it all. This is the look of a man who knows he made the right decision.

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