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Common Shit Tests

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  • I bet you have a girl for every night of the week.

This shit test, and permutations thereof (“How many girls do you pick up in bars?”), is something you’ll hear most often from younger girls who are used to having game run on them, but fall for it every time anyhow. These are the girls who secretly love that you’re a great seducer, and, ironically, want you to prove it by denying you’re a great seducer. Of course, it’s not as simple as that; the form of denial girls admire is evasion, not defensiveness. Possible answer: “I’m a romantic at heart. If some women are drawn to that, I can understand why.” Or you could try pseudo-redemption: “I used to be the biggest player, but that lifestyle doesn’t do it for me anymore. It’s part of my past, now.” The cocky, unserious answer: “One billion served!” Notice the common thread — you never really answer her question.

  • You’re going to buy a girl a drink, right? That’s so sweet!

Alert the media! Girls don’t get attracted to men who buy them drinks! It’s a mystery to me why guys still do this; it seems to me the primal sort of man (think military, or Ibanker) is most likely to try to impress girls by lavishing goods on them. Nah, it’s just a common shit test girls throw out to see how needy you are. The faster you thrust a drink into her hand, the needier you will appear. Your answer: “I don’t buy drinks for girls I hardly know/I’m getting to know, but you can buy me one.”

  • Are you always this big an asshole?

Context is important with this one. If you’ve been running tight game and her shiny eyes betray her lustful yearning, this shit test is basically a green light to continue being an asshole. Answer: “You can’t get enough of it.” Otherwise, eject. You fucked up.

  • Hey, can we move the date/change the time? My cat yoga class is that night.

Sometimes this is a legitimate excuse. Most of the time, it’s not. If she agreed on a meeting time with you, she was aware of her schedule. Therefore, any last second changes by her should trigger your BS alarm. You’d be surprised how many girls instinctually default to this blatant shit test as the date approaches. They can’t help themselves. They’re programmed to behave like a flake to ensure your seed can jump their hurdles and land with a satisfying thud in their eggs. (I’ve found a helpful interpretation of courtship is to imagine your sperms are salmon swimming upstream against the torrent of bullshit she sends your way, including hungry bears.) Best answer: “I can meet you at X time, same place. If that’s no good for you, we can cancel.” Your goal is to instill the fear of loss in her, and let her know it’s her actions costing her the opportunity to bask for a few hours in your virile glory.

  • You move pretty quick/I’m not that kind of girl.

This faux indignation isn’t as common as it used to be, mostly because the majority of city girls are sluts, and they know that we know this. To plead otherwise would be the height of absurd hypocrisy. It’s over ladies; your carefully tended modesty is a relic from a bygone era. If anything, the more testosterone-y variety DC lawyer/bartender chick will *brag* about her looseness. But since blissfully unaware retreads still exist, you should be prepared for this shit test. It’s critically important that you don’t fall into her trap and try to defend your “honor”. Best answer: Nothing. Ignore her protestations for what they are — decoy flares. Playful answer: “You should see my finishing move.”

  • I love public sex/doing it upside down/kinky sex with ice cubes and strawberries.

It’s a trap! If you haven’t had sex with her yet, you should avoid getting too excited when she starts bragging about her sexual dynamism. She’s smoking you out of your burrow with a tasty treat. The faster you pounce on it, the quicker she pegs you as a sexually undernourished beta. Acceptable answer: “Whoa, not so fast. Do you talk like this with your mother?” Or: “That’s cool. But I need to be wined and dined first.” Cocky answer: “Hey, are you auditioning for the Maury Povich show?”

There will be future installments of “Common Shit Tests”.

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