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If you observe your girlfriend doing any of these things you had better be formulating contingency plans.

  • She compares you to her girlfriends’ boyfriends.

If you start hearing things from her like “Oh, Sara told me Heath — btw, don’t you think Heath is such a dreamy name for a man? — recently got back from an overseas trip where he played golf with the Dalai Lama. Isn’t that amazing?!” you are in trouble. A woman in love hardly notices your flaws, let alone the exploits or accomplishments of her girlfriends’ men. When a woman is stacking you up, you’ve already come up short.

Solution: Make fun of her. (Really, making fun of a girl is a great solution for just about any occasion). “The Dalai Lama? Wow, Sara must be horrible in bed if she pushed him to become a monk.” Or: “Hey, for our next vacation, I think I’m just gonna lay on the couch all week eating Cheetos. You in?” Whatever you say, don’t make fun of the other man. This is always, however unjustifiably, interpreted by the woman as jealousy.

  • She got a boob job.

Sure, those new melons under a sweater turn you on, but you’ve gotta be aware of the subtext (subbreast?). A girlfriend or wife who randomly decides to take the extreme measure of altering her body parts ostensibly to appeal to you is actually trying to appeal to every man BUT you. The boob job girl is at heart a coldly rational chick who understands well the workings of the sexual market, even if she can’t or won’t articulate the instincts that drive her. She is a visceral status whore who trades in the currency of boobs for bruisers. Caveat: If she gets her synthetic boobs early in the relationship but after she’s fallen in love with you, you may be home free. She’s afraid of losing you to the competition. Worst case scenario: Her boobs were bought by her previous boyfriend. Think about what kind of girl dates guys who would pay to have their girlfriends augmented. I’ll tell you what kind — a girl who views relationships mechanistically, a simple tit for tat. She is a low self-esteem victimologist who doesn’t trust her inner beauty has the power to enthrall a man, and will stop at nothing, including invasive surgery, to maximize her chances of landing and keeping the highest status man possible.

Solution: Don’t be a supportive quisling beta. If her boob job was out of the blue and not at your request, tell her they look nice, but maybe they’re too big for her upper body. Call her “weeble wobble, but they don’t fall down”.

  • She undertakes beautification projects.

Similar to the above, but less the province of the blatantly rational status whore, and harder to recognize the warning signs, a girl who suddenly begins an exercise program or wearing carefully applied makeup or buying new sexy cocktail dresses is prepping herself for a return to the market. You may think she found it in her heart to please you, but you would be deluding yourself. Her biological imperative is manipulating her at the reptilian level to do these things because her womb pulses anew with the desire to be filled by another man’s seed. If she starts saying stuff like “Ugh, don’t kiss me, I just put on lipstick” you’re about to be downsized. A girl who loves you will be happy to receive your kisses whenever you want to give them, and happy to reapply her lipstick without complaint. Caveat: If she begins her beautification project at your insistence, or in reaction to your subtle criticisms or your overt flirtations with better looking women, and you have no doubt she loves you, then encourage her. She will feel desired — she will in fact feel more womanly — that you demand excellence from her.

Solution: This is dangerous territory. The enemy has already breached your frontline defense. You’ll need a two-pronged counteroffensive. One, launch a campaign of subtle, but constant negging. You’ve gotta keep her knocked off balance. Two, commence flirting egregiously with other women. A woman’s battle plan for fresh cock, once  initiated, can only be thwarted by disrupting troop morale. Your job is to remind her, through the actions above, that there is no glory to be found except under rule of your kingship. Take her to your castle balcony and show her the hordes of women streaming from the hinterlands to get through your fortress gate.

  • She bitches at you for minor offenses.

Anytime you notice her aggravation threshold for your antics getting lower, you can bet your bronzed boner that your antics are not the problem — she is annoyed that she no longer feels turned on by you. Women resent men who stop making them horny, in much the same way men resent their wives for getting fat and ruining their sexual experience. Of coures, women are constitutionally incapable of expressing the real reasons for their shriveling libido in your company, so it manifests as a vague annoyance with your tics and quirks that once charmed her pants off.

Solution: Think of everything negative coming out of her mouth as a shit test, and respond as the trained master of muff you are. She’s that little brat you don’t take seriously. Under no circumstance should you attempt to change your quirky habits to placate her; this will only result in more annoyance and more demands for compliance with her ever-growing list of complaints.

  • You’ve caught her in flagrante delicto

Major red flag.

Solution: Laugh at them. It works!

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