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Dating In The City: A Series

This post is also available in: German

More wisdom from the dating trenches of this city full of glorious yuppie headcases.

Damian: So we’re talking on the phone a bit, things are going well, and I ask if she’s free. She says “I’m busy every day this week, but next week works.” Immediately, I lose all interest in her. I tell her “Yeah, sure, maybe. Hey, nice talking to you, take care.”

Me: “I’m busy every day this week”?!? What a turnoff.

Damian: Exactly. It’s not bad enough that she’s BUSY; she has to be BUSY EVERY DAY of the week. How many froo froo dog grooming classes can one girl attend? [Damian imitating nasally stuck-up bitch voice]: “I have a Pilates class Monday, a Zen meditation class Tuesday, a Blackberry addict anonymous class Wednesday, a Yoga class to firm up my buttocks on Thursday, a Professionals in the City $500 happy hour on Friday where I practice shooting down Herbs all night, volunteer missions at the local animal shelter on the weekend, and run run runs all week long to get my chubby ass shape for the marathons that ALL the girls are doing these days! It’s just perfect! My life is SO fulfilled! I love love LOVE being a woman on the go. So many fun distractions from my childlessness. Ooo, where did I leave my pink IPod?”

***

Here’s some advice, ladies. If a guy asks you out and you’re interested, don’t tell him you’re busy. That shit doesn’t work on us like it works on you. As you are women, I understand it’s hard to refrain from projecting your female desires onto men, but step outside of your solipsistic universes for one second and try to see it from a man’s point of view. We do not get aroused by “mystery”, or “playing hard to get”, or “scarcity”. We don’t want you more because you’re unavailable. We don’t fantasize about you constantly running away to do something secretive in the woods like that dork from Twilight, and then get all excited when you show up out of the blue with a sly grin on your face, leaning against our locker.

What does encourage our ardor for you is quite simple: You, available and naked (assuming you meet our minimum beauty threshold).

If you really are “busy” every day of the week, be extremely apologetic about it. Explain that you would love to see us right now, but you can’t because you’re already committed to a bunch of crap you really don’t want to do. Make us feel like your cooking classes and seminars and book club meetings are an annoying hindrance to seeing us (which they really should be). Acquiring the proper perspective in this way will not only keep us interested in seeing you, it will help screw your heads on right and remind yourselves what is most important in life — finding a man and falling in love.

Most likely, though, you are NOT that “busy”, and instead your week is burdened with a lot of make-work pointless female timesucks to fill the dull aching void of your lives. You would set yourself apart from so many women if you said “Sure, I can see you this evening if you’d like.”

At this nadir of modern American society, knowing what we know about how cosmopolitan women spend their prime years, when men hear “I’m busy every day this week”, we quickly and justifiably assume this means she does not value a chance to be rewarded with the pleasure of our company more than she values an amateur bartending seminar sponsored by a matchmaking company in the business of bringing single SWPL men and women together. If you cannot see the irony in that, you will be alone with your ludicrous standards at the age of 35.

[crypto-donation-box]

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