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My Inbox is getting unmanageable. So if you don’t see your post in the Reader Mailbag, or I take too long replying to your emails, you’ll know why. I need an assistant. Anyone want to brave my excruciatingly tense interview process? You must be: Cute, hot, pretty. Female.

This week’s mailbag features guest contributions from Finefantastic and Damian.

Email #1

I’m writing you because I’ve very clearly done something wrong, and I think you’re probably the only one who can help- being a 3rd party. I’m a NAF that was engaged to a greater beta, we were together for 6 years and engaged for 1. Then he went to NY to intern for a big law firm for the summer and started talking about going out with a coworker all the time. I thought that was a little unusual but didn’t feel the least bit threatened, especially after I met her. The woman was/ is a warpig (AND a female attorney! the least sexy occupation, right??) He’s even acknowledged (after he dumped me for her) that her face is “not her best attribute”.

I’m pissed that he took up the prime years of my dating life (21-almost 27), and bewildered…it’s not like I don’t get hit on a lot, but losing to a warpig will mindfuck you. How could this happen?

Thanks,
A.

Damian:
Never Underestimate the Majestic Warpig!

In the animal kingdom, the wild boar is ungainly, ugly, smelly, and foul tempered. But this member of the pig family is no barnyard slouch! Clever, brave, armed with sharp tusks, and possessing a certain uncanny swagger, it’s no surprise that the boar became a symbol of nobility and charisma in Medieval Europe. Even today it adorns the crest of my favorite cold cuts…….Boarshead!

The lesson here is, you met this woman, and because of her warpig looks, you completely dismissed her as harmless and no threat to steal your man. But little did you know, she was using her other attributes to win him over, most definitely doing all kinds of perverted kinky things in bed, things that you……couldn’t even dream of, perhaps because you never had to, as you’re not a warpig?

Finefantastic:
Oh, warpigs. Maybe she had a heart of gold. Maybe not. Why waste more of “prime dating years” agonizing about a situation out of your control? Besides, a good mindfuck builds character. Spin this into a screenplay or interpretive dance.

Me:
NAF? Northeast Asian Female? Nascent Alpha Female? Nasty Ass Female? I suspect this email is a joke. It has hit on too many of my themes and attempted to subvert them. Devil’s handiwork! He probably hooked up with a 10 secretary and you’re just pissed. If your email is true, then all I can say is… you got beat by a warpig! That’s gotta hurt! Consolation prize: You get to experience the thrill of my attention.

Email #2

I need your advice. I follow your blog religiously, and I am grateful for the pragmatic advice you give. It works.

Recently, I have applied your advice to a girl that I work with. We are currently both attracted to each other (and have verbally confirmed that for each other). We spend time together after work going for dinner and hanging out. We flirt with each other all the time. She lets me grab her ass, hug her, etc. The problem is that she has been in a relationship for about 3 months. She tells me we are just really good friends who have to deal with the attraction that we have for each other, but the physical nature of our “friendship” tells me she is very temped. Obviously I want more. Also, I am currently in a relationship that has been going for 16 months, but is slowly dying. She is aware of this.

A few more details to clarify the problem:

– She use to be overweight, but is quite decent now. Also, she is very insecure, but is slowly making progress overcoming that.
– She seems to have some issues with her current boyfriend (they have been dating for about 3 months and currently moved in together). She has criticized him to me on a couple of occassions. I get the sense that her insecurities make her cling to this guy.
– We have talked about our attraction for each other on numerous occassions. We have both admited that it is difficult to be attracted to each other, and still try to maintain our “committed” relationships with our respective partners.
– When I back off, she encourages me to continue flirting with her, and becomes pouty if I don’t.

Anyway, give it your best shot. I appreciate your wisdom.

Feel free to post the problem and advice, but leave my name out of it.

Truly Grateful

Me:
Mistaken Assumption #1: Thinking that a girl “verbally confirming” her attraction means anything. It doesn’t. The only confirmation of a girl’s attraction for you that matters is your penis in her vagina. On the hierarchy of female attraction signals (IOIs), a verbal confirmation counts about as much as a girl saying “could you please pass the salt?”. Thrust your hand under her skirt. Is it warm? Then she’s attracted to you.

Mistaken Assumption #2: Thinking that a girl who has “issues” with her current boyfriend means that she is ready to dump him for you. Nope, it’s just the opposite. When a girl badmouths her BF it means she wants his cock more than ever. Jesus, dude, she moved in with the guy. That should be a clue.

As a former fatty, this chick is obviously exercising her newfound power and LORDING it over you. You are the classic chump. The tool. The AFC. The harmless practice beta she uses for the ego boost. Feeling like shit yet? Good. Now you may begin your journey to enlightenment.

Here is my advice: The next time she “verbally confirms” her attraction for you, or talks to you about her asshole BF, tell her you’re not her therapist. You’re too busy fucking your girlfriend up the ass to deal with her issues. THEN you may have a shot with her.

Email #3

I’m an attractive 27 year old white woman who lives in the DC metro area.  I’ve always been bicurious, but although I certainly find many white women pretty to look at I am rarely sexually attracted to them.  I am primarily attracted to feminine Latinas and Greek/Italian looking women like Monica Bellucci.  I’m not all THAT into chicks, so I’d have to be very attracted to a woman to “go there”, and all of the lesbian/bisexual women I’ve met are even somewhat feminine are white. I have yet to meet a non-butch Latina lesbian.  I’ve met sexy Latinas with whom I’ve had a little bit of flirty chemistry but they’ve never been willing to take it further.  The expats have been ice cold in this regard.  Is this a DC thing?

When I look into the eyes of nearly every white woman of Northern European lineage I’ve ever met I simply don’t see the deep, intrinsic womanliness that Latinas, Mediterrenean, and some Russian women {have].  Sorry ladies, but we all have our tastes.

Will I have to settle for some banal Pink lookalike?

DL

Finefantastic:
Deep intrinsic womanliness? That is hilarious. If you want to avoid the Pink and Eminem lookalikes, I’d suggest Craigslist. Or a prostitute that fits your bill. Or get the sexy Latinas drunk.

Me:
What the fuck am I supposed to know about lesbians? Most of them are repulsive lumpy potato sacks. Bicurious lipstick pseudo-lezzies are great, but their cultural elevation as a male fantasy figure is way out of proportion to their actual numbers in society. Out of 100 dykes, there might be one decent looking feminine girl.

And it’s time the Northern Euro chicks stopped getting pegged as sexually repressed, Puritan, shrews lacking in “womanliness”. The hottest fucks I’ve ever had were with Irish lasses. German frauleins are downright deviant in bed. Polish babes are amazingly romantic. Asian girls are gentle, loving, and obsessed with the anus… you get the picture.

Email #4

Here’s a topic you might want to offer for consideration: women and e-mailing. Every woman I know, and I know quite a few, seems to have a built-in resistance to e-mails.( At least, personal e-mails. I assume they look at and respond to job-related e-mails.) I’ll send them things I think they’ll find interesting, and invariably they say, “I just don’t have time to look at my e-mail.” Yet they always seem to find time for telephone conversations, often lengthy ones, and that would seem to take up much more time than it would to check and read one’s e-mail. I’d be curious to know if other guys have noticed this.

B.

Finefantastic:
I often delete things people email me that I “may find interesting”. Usually it’s some sob-story cash grab, a moronic chain letter or an arcane article about politics. I could care less. If it is in fact interesting, I will take care to read future emails from that person. Separate yourself from the chaff by using shocking and offensive subject lines. As for girls and the phone, we need all the time we can get to ruminate over profound topics (like guys and episodes of Intervention).

Me:
Your observation is absolutely correct. Girls do not answer emails, or they take forever to reply. Which is funny, because they check their email every fucking second, glued as they are by an electronic umbilical cord to their Blackberries and iPhones. Scientists are hard at work figuring out why this is so… and why girls imagine we aren’t on to them. Bottom line: Girls prefer talking on the phone because it’s easier that way for them to tease out any crippling beta flaws you might have. They suspect a guy who has spent a lot of time lovingly crafting an email is not showing her his spontaneous, out of the box, improvisational, real-time worth as a man.

Maxim #52: Girls need to test men for their grace under pressure.

Advice: Stop sending them “interesting” emails. Every time a guy tells me he does this, I know he’s actually sending “LAME” emails that bore the girl to tears. Please re-read the “Sixteen Commandments of Poon” and memorize Commandments V and VI. Stick to text and short phone calls.

[crypto-donation-box]

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