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Following on the heels of the pedophilic priest scandals of a few years ago, it was obvious to me that most of those accused were closeted gays who used the cover of the celibate priesthood to hide from their gayness and to prey on underage altar boys on the cusp of manhood. Gay men are as drawn to youth and beauty as straight men are (men are visually oriented no matter what sex they are attracted to) and in all the noise at the time about the Catholic Church’s refusal to allow priests to marry what was lost was that most of the perpetrators targeted boys. In poker, that would be known as a major tell.

Well, now we have news that middle-aged men are turning to the priesthood in droves. And reading between the lines, it’s easy to see these guys are betas who lost in the race to find a woman for themselves:

The Rev. Michael Bies heard the same call, but before he did, he worked 20 years as a machinist in his native Chicago and even considered marriage. Ordained about four years ago, Bies, 52, is associate pastor of St. Mary’s Church in Pontiac.

Take a look at his photo in the accomanying link for verification of his beta status. Lesser betas who aren’t gay and who have gone their whole lives without succeeding at the only game that matters — getting a woman — probably find the priesthood a more attractive alternative than do normal men who enjoy the delights of pussy on the regular. If the choice is between delivering sermons to a captive audience or riding out the rest of your miserable days in lonely grinding celibacy until you die stuck to the couch with a bowl of cheetos in your lap and the flicker of porn on your computer monitor, I’d imagine the calling would be very strong indeed.

Naturally, most refuse to see the ugly truth and turn instead to more pleasing rationales for the increase in middle-aged priests:

Paul Sullins, a professor at the Catholic University of America, said the average age at ordination has risen by 10 to 15 years since the 1970s — part of a national trend toward increased education and later-life commitments.

“An increasing proportion of priests today are entering their second or third careers,” said Sullins, adding the trend may help relieve the shortage of priests in the U.S.

It’s no wonder the average age of ordination has risen 15 years since the 1970s — that’s when the sexual revolution took off. With later marriage and more years playing the field, men who got the short end of the genetic stick could delude themselves into an extra decade of hoping that a woman will come their way.

Monsignor Paul Showalter, vicar general of the Peoria Diocese, agreed. Showalter said, in general, the trend toward older priests is beneficial.

It all comes down to “when they get the calling,” he said.

“The Calling”: When you reach the age that your sex drive has plummeted and your chances with women have sufficiently dried up that enforced celibacy isn’t a sacrifice.

Knowing that “God is using you to bring solace and peace,” helps him cope, he said.

Translation: Knowing that the priesthood is a socially acceptable outlet for hopeless betatude helps him cope.

The celibacy requirement is actually a gift, said Bies, because it “frees you up to see all people as part of your family.”

Translation: The celibacy requirement lets him avoid reckoning the painful ugly reality of his loser loveless life. Part of his family will now include blossoming young teenage girls sitting in his pews taunting him every Sunday with their ripe bodies SO CLOSE yet SO UNAVAILABLE.

The divine irony of it all is that the social status — the “podium effect” — of delivering sermons to a large attentive audience will make these lesser beta priests more attractive to more women… and completely off-limits by the draconian celibacy rule. If he attempts to act on his higher status by banging one of his Sunday best groupies, he will have risked losing the source of power that gave him more leverage in the sexual market. What a conundrum!

I don’t think I would last in the priesthood longer than the time it took me to lure a God-fearing babe into my rectory — one week, tops.

I believe priests should be allowed to marry. That would at least solve the problem of the priesthood turning into a closeted gay ghetto. And it would encourage more well-adjusted straight guys to spread the word of god, because a man spreading his wife’s legs every night understands what it’s like to be filled with God’s love.


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