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Levi Johnston: Blockhead

I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when the Palin family confronted Levi (pronounced like Levi Genes, or “When the Levee Condom Breaks”?) about his knocking up their young but sexually ripe daughter. Did Todd Palin threaten to have him ostracized from their Alaskan town, thereby dimming his job prospects there, if he didn’t act like he was ready to marry Bristol? Or even better did he stick a shotgun in his face? Did Sarah have dirt on the kid that could get him in trouble with the law? Did Bristol entice him with daily blowjobs if he promised to be her “steady”?

Or was Bristol the one dragging her feet? Rumor has it Sarah tried to coerce persuade Bristol to marry Levi once the pregnancy became known, but the girl would have none of it.

And was the A-word mentioned at all? When Bristol found out did she even contemplate getting an abortion? “Mama don’t preach, I’m in trouble deep… I’m ‘bortin’ my baaaabyyyy… yeah…” Did Sarah go all mommie dearest on her? “What did I say about abortion!? NO… WIRE… HANGERS!!!” Or did she read her a Bible quote followed by a tearful group family hug and that was that?

This guy Levi seems like a real stupido. I guess when your life is drinking, playing hockey, fucking shit up, and tagging famous ass, you don’t have mental room to remember to put on a condom. On the other hand, he may have assumed that a girl like Bristol, daughter of the governor, would never allow a pregnancy to go to full term. Big mistake. He should have vetted Sarah better before raw dogging Bristol.

I can tell you that at 18 if I accidentally impregnated some chick with the anti-christ I would first gently and compassionately ask her to get an abortion. If she refused, I would ask again, this time dropping the gentleness and compassion. Then I would remind her of the horrors that await single motherhood and the poor life prospects of her fatherless child, being sure to drive home in exquisite detail what jail life will be like for our son and how many loads of jizz our stripper daughter would swallow. If she still didn’t comply, I would transfer my assets to overseas banks and hightail it out of the country.

Man, if McCain/Palin win the election, the next four years will be very entertaining. The country’s already finished; may as well go out with a flourish.


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