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“I’ve still got it, baby!”
“I’ve never looked or felt better.”
“These are the best years of my life.”
“30 is the new 20!” [editor’s note: actually, in woman years, 30 is the new 40]
“My sex drive is higher.”
“I will age gracefully.”
“I’ve really grown into my skin.”


“No self-respecting man dates some 20 year old floozy.”
“Men who date younger women can’t date women their own age.” [editor’s note: replace can’t with won’t]
“It’s the patriarchal misogynistic culture that devalues older women.”
“Who needs them!”


“Once I apply this new tangerine-emu oil antioxidant exfoliating facial cream predigested and squeezed through the anus of a bird of paradise, I’ll look ten years younger.”
“I’ve got a great personality.” [editor’s note: no, you don’t]


“Wow, I guess it’s all over. I’ll never find a man now.”
“It’s just me and you, Fluffy. Come here, mommy needs a kitty cuddle.”


“Maybe settling isn’t so bad. That homeless guy outside Whole Foods has nice hair.”


I suppose I should feel guilty for robbing so many single older women of exciting and fulfilling dating lives and leaving them stranded in favor of dating younger women, but then I squeeze that supple flesh and smell that enticing natural aroma and I remember why I don’t.

You will too.


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