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A Catholic bishop, in an interview published in a Vatican newspaper, described seven new deadly sins for the modern age. The previous deadly sins — to which these new ones will be added (giving me double the opportunity to have fun) — are lust, gluttony, avarice, sloth, anger, envy and pride. I do all right on the old school seven, slipping up a little with sloth and avarice, though clearly I’d need to spend a year in the confessional and 10,000 Hail Marys absolving myself for my lust and pride sins. That is what happens when you sell your soul to the devil for a fourteen inch tool.
I’m curious how I’d fare with the new sins.
If this is considered a deadly sin then murder 1 just suffered a major depreciation. I’m not an active industrial polluter, but I do sometimes toss empty beer bottles into the regular trash, and I don’t give a penny to environmental groups so I’m probably sinning a little in this category. I like green grass and blue skies as much as any treehugger but let’s face it, once you’re dead it doesn’t matter what condition you left the world in, so my working philosophy is to live it up and pass the bill to the next generation.
I love the promise of genetic engineering. In my view, it’s a virtue, not a sin. Once the applied science is up to speed, I’d be all for designing babies to play Mozart after one listening and making them so smart Harvard goes bankrupt from all the kids teaching themselves. If a doctor told me with a minor gene tweak he could guarantee my unborn son the gift of a prehensile penis, I would agree to it. I fully support selectively aborting deformed or Downs Syndrome fetuses. In fact, I support exposing them at birth. It’s cruel to knowingly bring a retarded or crippled child into the world and doom him or her to a lifetime of misery.
Being Obscenely Rich
Define obscene. I’d be obscenely rich if I were living in Bolivia. What if I lust for obscene wealth in my heart but live like a group house squatter? Anyhow, it’s mental masturbation. In a few weeks I have my IPO, then I will be sinning badly in this category.
I once passed the dutchie on the left hand side.
Big fan. Gives men an escape hatch in case of emergency. I’m so pro-choice I feel like I should have the choice to abort my girlfriend’s accidental pregnancy for her.
Verdict: Satan’s Little Helper
Gee, I wonder why this made the list. *rolls eyes* So let’s see… No crotch movement when I’m near prepubescent boys? Check. Not a gay priest? Check. Prefer boobs and hips on girls I want to screw? Check. Once said out loud while watching The Professional “Oh YEAH, Natalie Portman is gonna be HOT in a couple of years!”? Check… uh oh.
Verdict: Fallen Angel
Causing Social Injustice
Way too vague. I cause a social injustice every time I skip out of jury duty by pretending to have Tourette’s Syndrome (guilty motherfucker! fuck guilty fuck!). So I’m supposed to be lumped in with Stalin’s Ukrainian genocide? The Catholic Church needs to narrow its scope on this one.
Total Sinner Score: Lesser Baddie. I need to work on polluting more.