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Game For Girls

Looks – 95%

We’ll get the obvious out of the way first. If you are ugly, blame your ugly parents for selfishly conceiving you. Makeup will add one point MAX, and eventually has to come off. What’s left for a woman to improve her dating market value isn’t much but in the bitch eat bitch world of the modern American manhunt even the smallest improvements count.

Femininity – 3%

You could also call this demure sweetness, or coyness, or emotionalism, or maternalism, or selflessness, or vulnerability. Whatever word you give it, men are drawn to it. There’s a reason it’s the girl putting her head on the man’s chest after sex, and not the other way around. Lawyers start off with negative points in this category, just below professional softball players.

Kinkiness – 1.5%

Sexual voracity won’t win a man (because he has to want to have sex with you first) but it will help keep him around for the long haul. A cute girl who loves anal has a better chance of converting her boyfriend to a husband than an equally cute girl who thinks the anus is a portal to Satan’s inner sanctum.

Sincerity – 0.3%

Don’t play games. For instance, take the one simple step of answering our calls promptly and you have leapfrogged to the front of the line.

Plastic Surgery – 0.1%

Don’t let its popularity fool you. Plastic surgery still has a long way to go before it can make women younger and hotter without turning them into grotesque cat-like aliens. (A cat lady’s dream?) This includes boob jobs. I’ve yet to see a breast augmentation that didn’t look (or feel) like a scoop of damp cement on top of a chest cavity. The only cosmetic surgery procedures that actually make the woman look better are nose jobs and botox for very small wrinkles in the forehead and around the eyes. Gastric bypasses are effective too, as long as she’s never seen naked.

Childlessness – 0.1%

Nothing keeps a woman’s body in prime groping shape for longer than abstaining from childbirth. Plus, kids are a total buzzkill. Is there anything worse than tripping over a toy and hitting the floor with a full erection? Bonus: Vaginal resilience!

The Rest – <0.1%

You know all those things girls think help them attract guys? They don’t. Fashion, shoes, hair styles, degrees, career, smarts, sassiness, dance moves, cultural sophistication, creativity, humor, encyclopedic knowledge of celebrity gossip, travel experiences, how well they “work what they got”, connections, alcohol tolerance, big breasts on a fat woman, scenester credentials, musical taste, personal philosophy, charity work, hobbies — don’t bother putting more than a token effort into these life improvements unless you are a lesbian. Men hardly care except to impress you with their listening ability.

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