This post is also available in: Deutsch
In the movies and in the popular imagination, persistence pays off. The guy who chases and won’t take no for an answer eventually wins the love of the girl. In real life, persistence is just a nice word for creepiness. Guys who pursue women with great ardor are always losing the girl to guys who don’t answer her phone calls right away and keep her guessing.
But persistence *can* work if done right. I used to give up on girls as soon as they hit me with roadblocks to our dating progress, resulting in a lot of first and second dates that never got to sex. Eventually I learned that girls will bitch about at least one thing at any stage of dating up until insertion because it is their way of culling the weak men whose self-confidence cannot withstand the tumult.
A little bit of persistence is effective as long as, one, there was a spark of attraction to begin with and, two, it comes from a place of non-neediness. If you must chase a girl, always do it with a cocky grin and the mentality that if she doesn’t get on board with your program it’s no big loss. If she accuses you of some dating breach, turn the tables on her. With girls, offense is the best defense.
An example of persistence succeeding occurred with a girl I dated a while back. The day after our second date I had this phone conversation with her.
Her: I don’t think another date is a good idea.
Me: Where does this come from?
Her: I dunno, you said some things about my job that I didn’t like.
This girl was good-looking so I had no intention of letting her drop unceremoniously without a fight. But getting apologetic wouldn’t have worked. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it, you took it the wrong way” would have sent her running even faster.
Me: Next time I’ll hold up a placard.
Her: A placard?
Me: Yeah, a placard announcing my jokes before I make them, like, here comes a joke! I understand, sometimes they are missed. This way, if I tell you about a joke beforehand there’s no risk of a cute misunderstanding.
Her: [laugh] Yeah, that might help.
Me: The truth is, I love your job. It reminds me of meadows and bunnies.
What I actually did or did not say about her job was irrelevant in my world. I plowed through her second thoughts as if the substance of her argument was beside the point, simultaneously assuming we would meet again and belittling her grievance. Directly engaging her complaint like a debate team nerd would’ve sounded cloyingly desperate, so I evaded and in the process forced her into my mental framework. I only threw her a bone… “I love your job”… after I had steered the conversation in the direction of my choosing. Had I caved to her reservations, months of fantastic sex with her and all those fond memories would never have happened.
Like seduction itself, persistence is half arrogance, half marketing. You want to get your point across without actually saying how you feel.