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Toilet Week Flushes On

You know how we guys are – when we get an idea in our heads we focus on it to the exclusion of all other thoughts, clinging like barnacles.  Girls don’t understand this tendency because they live in a world where conversations flit around from topic to topic like butterflies in a field of daisies.

So in keeping with the present obsession, here’s news that vindicates domesticated indentured servants married or cohabiting men everywhere:  it is actually more efficient to keep the toilet seat up.

In this paper, we show conclusively that the social norm of leaving the toilet seat down after use decreases welfare and by doing that we hope to convince the reader that social norms are not always welfare enhancing. Hence, there is a case for scientifically examining social norms and educating the masses about the fallacy of following social norms blindly.

What this paper is basically saying is that a cost-minimizing analysis of total number of toilet seat raisings and lowerings favors the man’s point of view since he uses the seat in both the down and up positions (#2 and #1) while the woman uses it only in the down position (unless she’s kinky).  But of course the norm is what it is because the toilet seat issue, like so many other ridiculously petty issues magnified to the point of craziness by women, is really a litmus test of a man’s love for her.  A woman needs constant reassurance that her man cares for her and the simple act of asking if he cares just won’t do — he has to show it even if it means incurring a time and effort cost as shown in the study above.  And my time is valuable.  If I can save 1.2 seconds not lowering the toilet seat that is an extra 1.2 seconds I have to dedicate to more productive enterprises.

Waving this paper in the face of his nagging woman will get a man nowhere.  Logic is not how to appeal to the fairer sex.  I suggest framing the debate this way:

“Baby, I know you love me, but it would be amazing if we could… {pause. gaze longingly at her}… imagine a time six months from now…. looking back on this moment…. {stroke her cheek}… as the beginning of our future together… when we reached incredible new heights of love and passion… by sharing… one for the other… the ups and downs of our beautiful toilet seat… {caress her neck}… to bring total hapPENIS to our lives… it’s like feeling like we’re on a roller coaster at the top of the hill… waiting to go over… feeling that anticipation that starts in your toes and travels your whole body through your arms and just goes… all through you… {trace your finger down her chest}… and down… here… and here… till you go over and the rush of excitement radiates out of you like a cord… growing stronger and stronger… connecting to me…. connecting us…. can you just feel that, right there?”

If she’s not blowing you with tongue action that feels like an epileptic serpent and simultaneously lowering the toilet seat before you even finish the last words, then trade her in for a chick who’s blood doesn’t run with liquid nitrogen.

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