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Off The Grid Game

Given the recent leaks about NSA and IRS dossiers on American citizens, it makes sense that some people are choosing to opt out of the social media ego stroke-athon for privacy reasons. But how does the womanizing sophisticate who has waved sayonara to Facebook and the rest handle the inevitable questions and objections when girls ask him about his odd lack of online presence?

Women, lovely lemmings they are, don’t like weirdness. Non-conformists give them the heebie-vajjies, until such time that the non-conformist is validated by the wider social group. So the Man Without a Facebook is likely to elicit suspicion, and maybe even irrational annoyance, from women. This problem will be worse for the off-the-grid man who prefers the company of younger women (the kind of woman least likely to care that Big Daddy State is safely in charge of her personal liberties).

Generally, a man should handle the “Why aren’t you on Facebook?” question the same way he would handle any shit test, by using any of the following three tactics:

1. Agree and amplify
2. Dismiss and ignore
3. Ridicule and reframe


“Why aren’t you on Facebook?”

“Because I’m wanted in twenty-three states for crimes against humanity.”

“Better question: Why are you on Facebook telling the world all your secrets?”

“Remember when girls had diaries, and they would freak out if their brother even touched the cover? We’ve come a long way.”

“I was. I got kicked off.”

“WUT” {Jeantel Rachel game}

“What a weird question.”

“Hey, you gotta at least get to know me before you start stalking me.”

“Because it’s boring.”

“Because everyone else is doing it.”

“Because I found that the girls on there are all shallow and self-involved.”

“I am. But I’m in the VIP lounge. Zuckerberg invite only. Not open to the public.”


Ok, I think you get the idea. The crucial rule to remember about any type of shit test is that it matters less how successfully you hurdle it than how successfully you avoid smashing into it. So as long as you don’t sound defensive or shaky or placating, you should do fine. If a girl is insistent and presses you for a reason why you skip Facebook, tell her “What’s with the third degree?”. The quicker you can get muleheaded chicks like that to defend themselves, the better off you look.


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