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I have this fire- and waterproof safe at home. I store financial papers, love letters from past and former girlfriends, and backup hard drives in it. In other words, anything that I don’t want a girl I am dating to see, or to ever see.

Maxim #20: Do not ever reveal the details of your finances to a girlfriend or wife. Avoid getting joint accounts. As a man, you must draw a line in the sand separating money from love. If she balks, dump her.

Naturally, when girls come over and happen to notice the safe (it’s in a closet) they are curious about its contents. Most of them are usually savvy enough to refrain from asking me what’s inside while the relationship is still in its infancy. If a girl is champing at the bit that hard to discover my secrets so soon after starting to date, then she is likely an untrustworthy, self-aggrandizing prospect for the long term. If she asks after a couple of years, that’s more understandable. But she still won’t get to know.

There’s something else I keep in the safe. Since I know that a girl will sometimes ask, I have prepared for the eventuality.

GIRL: “Ooo, you have a safe. Um… so what’s in it?”

THE GRAVEN IMAGE U FAP TO: “The severed fingers of my enemies in a jar.”

GIRL: “Ha, ha, funny. No, seriously.”

At which point, and with a totally straight face, I open the safe and remove a jar of yellow red-ish liquid resembling formaldehyde containing severed fingers which I then show to her. The last time I did this, the girl screamed at the top of her lungs and fell backwards over my couch, bruising her shin on my coffee table in the process.

You can get realistic looking novelty severed fingers at any online magic shop.

Later that night, we copulated with a ferocity that would have made wild boar sex seem tender in comparison. She never asked to see what was in the safe again.

So, yes, there does appear to be a direct line of connection between the fright neurons and the vagina neurons in girls’ brains. Stimulate one, and the other kicks out reflexively. (During foreplay, girls are often frightened — and cross-eyed — when I whip out my enormous offshore drill.)

Surprising girls with pranks is also an effective arousal state inducer. The girl in this video might have been pissed for an hour after she was victimized by her boyfriend’s prank, but I guarantee he had the best sex of his life that night.


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