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The Sexiest Sex Positions

This post is also available in: German

My list of the sexiest sex positions isn’t necessarily a list of the positions most likely to bring a girl to orgasm. A “sexy” sex position is one that mentally and emotionally arouses a girl beyond whatever she has experienced with any other man but you, you tiger. Sexy sex positions are often the same as or similar to those seen in classic steamy movies such as “9 1/2 Weeks” or “Secretary”. In contrast, the sex positions that maximally arouse a woman’s vagina and readily bring her to orgasm are in a different class than the sexy sex positions. Orgasm inducing sex positions are whatever gets the particular girl off, which for most girls involves hoisting her ankles over your shoulders and jackhammering her into bliss. If you want to know which type is more powerful, keep in mind the lovemaking sessions your girl will most remember — usually it will be those times your copulation was infused with a sexy Hollywood-ish vibe, where the real-life scene was cluttered with natural props and romantic lighting of the sort her memory can easily grasp and retrieve, and when the mood, tension, urgency and ambience were just right.

Sexy sex positions are often spontaneous; they are rarely planned, but they can be. If you attempt to blueprint a sexy sex position, you had better know what you’re doing. This is not amateur hour. Any whiff of calculated preplanning will ruin the memory for your girl.

The Venetian Blind Bang

It is 1 AM. The only light is that from a streetlamp streaming though the half-opened slits of a Venetian blind. You’re pulling your girl’s cocktail dress over her head as she writhes with anticipation. As one hand cups her breast, you push her back into the Venetian blinds, the street light painting shards of faint yellow across her face. Her fingers intertwine with the slats and her ass cheeks rattle the blind. Bonus: Exhibitionist thrill.

The Mighty Oak Rut

You’re in the deep woods. Small woodland creatures scurry. You press her body into the massive trunk of a majestic oak tree, yank her skirt up, and let her enjoy the pleasure of having two giant phalluses consume her. Species to avoid: Any smooth-barked tree. You want this to hurt her a little.

The Bearskin Rug Fuck

One white bearskin rug. Two glasses of red wine sitting on the floor nearby. One fireplace crackling with a winter fire. This is the setting for pure, intimate lovemaking. There will be no piston-like thrusting, only gentle, uninterrupted groin-to-groin missionary grinding. Yes, I once had a white bearskin rug and it was not a hipsterly ironic bearskin. Note: Do not try this during her period unless you have killed and bagged a red furred bear.

The Steamy Shower Sexytime

The shower is running. Her hair is wet and matted against her head and shoulders. She is facing away from you, into the shower stream, her hands awkwardly slipping against the tiled shower wall as she tries to steady herself from the onslaught of a powerful orgasm. You are doing her from behind, the natural lube of her pussy mixing with the warm water cascading down her belly and back. You push her harder into the wall, as her ass arches to meet your thrusts. Note: The trick to making shower sex memorable is to have one eye-catching curio or unique detail, such as oversized candles lining the tub. Or in your lustful haste you and her jump into the shower partially clothed.

Why this will leave an indelible imprint on your girl’s mind: I coaxed an amazingly sexy girl into the shower, her panties still clinging to her wet body. She was wearing black nail polish, and in the moisture and steam the nail polish had started to run, so that she left black streaks on the tiled shower wall where she had propped her hands for support as I fucked her from behind. The sex was so hot that afterwards I took a picture of the black streak marks she left on the tiles, as a memento:

The Muscle Car Straddle

You have parked your 1969 cherry apple red Mercury Cougar convertible in a deserted suburban park late at night. Swings from a children’s playground creak in the distance. Your girl straddles you in the driver’s seat, pushes aside her panties, and guides you in. She grinds into you as the sweet smelling humid summernight air enshrouds you and moonlight dances off the hood of your car. Bonus: Beep the horn with her backside at the moment of climax.

The Cemetery Fuck

This one will have to be planned by you. You are taking a nighttime stroll with your girl. The clock nears midnight. You “just happen” to walk past an old, creepy cemetery; the kind where the headstones have dates going back to the 1600s and thick vines wrap around everything. (Note: You may need to live in the Northeast to find these kinds of cemeteries). You locate an especially tragic gravestone, one where a young couple rests side by side in eternal sleep. You grab your girl’s fingers and trace the engraved names together.You lay her down in the leaf-covered grass, within view of the dead couple, and slide your hand under her pleated skirt. You keep your hand over her mouth and muffle her sex moans lest she wake ghosts in your presence. Bonus: If she’s superstitious, she will come in under 30 seconds.

The Nude Beach Stealth Bang

If you are on a nude beach in the Caribbean or on the island of Mykonos, You will want to wait until twilight to roll your girl onto her stomach and face plant her into the sand. Roll her over again like you are two rutting sea lions. Getting sand into her ass crack is a feature, not a bug. Thrillseekers: Do the same except during the day. Keep a minimum 20 yards from the nearest nudists and drape a large beach towel over your bodies. Grind, don’t thrust. Thrusting as your towel-covered ass goes up and down will be immediately visible to others.

The Warm Ocean Waters Intrusion

The Caribbean is a great place for fucking. As you and your girl bob on the gentle waves of azure waters, face the beach cove where your towel lays and people are sunning themselves, and gently nudge her bikini aside. Your dick should slide in like a buttered hot dog. You will want to be in neck deep water, because the Caribbean waters are very clear and you can see you feet even in five feet of water. You don’t want sunbathing Eurotrash to actually see the copulation. If your girl can tread water, wade out past the breakers where your feet don’t touch the sandy bottom. Bonus: Pulling out just before blasting to send spurts of your cum into the warm tropical waters will be a pleasure like none you’ve ever experienced before.

The Balcony Boff

Balcony. Nighttime. View of the city. Chair. Straddle. It works.

The Sheer Curtains Fuck

Do you have sheer, white, diaphanous floor length curtains in your home? If you do, you’ll want to have standing sex with your woman as the curtains wrap around you both, creating an exquisite tactile sensation against her skin. Bonus: Keep the window open so a breeze makes the curtain fabric dance around your beloved’s body.

Do all the above and she will compare all future beta boyfriends to the romantic, sexy moments she shared with you. They will never be able to please her like you did. You will have spoiled her for all other men. She will love you and hate you for this. Victory!

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