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There are times when we men can’t help but gush our feelings of love for our woman. It’s Ok. Passionately pouring out your heart is not inherently un-alpha. But there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. For instance, right ways:

“I love you more than you will ever know.”

“I thought about your smile today.”

“I want to kiss you all over and make love to you all night.”

“My gargantuan member throbs for your squeezebox.”

Notice a pattern? Alpha passion is proactive, assertive, conspicuously noncommital, temporally ambiguous, and decidedly non-goopy. Here are the wrong (beta) ways to express your love:

“I’m so lucky to have you.”

Way to demonstrate lower value, champ.

“I don’t deserve you.”

Just what a girl wants to hear — she’s with an unworthy man. This is David Alexander’s go-to line.

“Our hearts beat like one.”

Homo say what?

“I love you SOOOOOOOO much.”

Are you a 15 year old girl?

“You are my everything.”

Poon Commandment III: You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority. (Chicks dig guys drawing up blueprints for world domination.)

“I couldn’t go on without you.”

What she hears: “If you dump me I’ll kill myself.”

“Say you’ll never leave me.”

What she hears: “I’m a loser who can’t get another woman.”

“I will always love you.”

Great. You just gave her carte blanche to act like a high maintenance prom queen.

“You pooped in my toilet, and I haven’t flushed it in a week.”

This could work as humor if you say it deadpan. But if your eyes well up with tears and you clutch your chest in anguish while saying it, the effect will be ruined.

See the difference? Beta passion is needy, desperate, cloying, self-effacing. Some might argue that the whole idea of passion is to drop pretense and embrace the freedom of vulnerability, but I disagree. A woman’s alpha radar never stops monitoring for beta blips on her emotional space, so the next time she complains that you don’t show your soft side enough, you can take that to mean you’re doing your job, Skittles Man. Anyhow, it’s better to be romantic through actions rather than words.

If you do slip up and catch yourself uttering one of the above sappy beta romantic lines, you can save face by immediately following up with “… for me to poop on!”. Yes, even for the last one.

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