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Install a high-powered fan in your bathroom to drown out the sounds of your woman crapping in the morning. *plop plop*!

Let her do the talking 80% of the time and the action 20% of the time.

Tease her 99 out of 100 verbal interactions. Walk right up to the point of offending her, and stop short there. This is an art. With practice, it will come second nature.

Notice something flattering about her once every ten hours together. Complimenting her choice in shoes is a sure bet.

After a makeout, say, “You just gave me a boney.”

Do not roll on your own condoms. That’s what she has hands, feet and a mouth for. Most girls love to put the condom on, anyhow.

After you’ve shot your whey protein-boosted load across her chest, admire your handiwork for a bit, get up, grab a towel, and throw it in her face while saying “You’d better clean yourself off, babe.” This is catnip to chicks. I don’t know why. Just run with it.

If you’re going to appreciate one thing about your woman, appreciate her cooking. Second choice: Her sexual prowess.

Be late for one out of three dates. When out on the town with your girl, saunter off for fifteen minutes to talk to a bartender/friend/lonely old guy, leaving her wondering where you’ve gone. Lesson: Don’t be *too* reliable.

Don’t rummage through her dirty laundry out of morbid curiosity. You won’t like what you find.

Two words: Air fresheners.

If you catch her pooping, peeing, shaving, tweezing, squeezing, popping, plucking, picking, inserting, removing, douching, trimming, waxing, or sandpapering, pretend you didn’t notice.

Do NOT, under any circumstance, get a cat. She will divide her love between you and the cat.

Dogs are OK, though, as long as the dog is more loyal to you than to her. Train the dog to sniff out the arrival of her period. Which brings us to…

Temporarily walk out of her life when she’s on the rag. Come back when the coast is clear.

Password-protect the digital photo, digital “black book”, and porn folders on your computer. Remember to delete photos of exes and current girlfriends from your camera. (I learned this the hard way.)

Leave articles about low carb dieting and weightlifting conspicuously lying around your home. Include one article about a guy who left his fat wife for a skinny co-ed. Best to nip any future problems in the bud.

Don’t arm wrestle her if you can’t beat her.

Don’t be a cheapskate with the toilet paper. Minimum three-ply. You can cut corners elsewhere.

Go shooting with her at least once.

Commit this line to memory: “It looks better on you, honey.”

And the Number One Key to a healthy relationship:

Cum in her mouth and hold it closed until she swallows it. Also known as: Pair bonding.

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