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Ex Categories

This post is also available in: German

One of the advantages of having a lot of experience under your belt is the fun you can have amusing yourself by categorizing your exes. And then writing a blog post about it later.

  • Fondly remembered

She was a good girl (rare). She treated you well. She loved you right. But maybe she was a point or two below your beauty ideal, so you left her to hunt for hotter quarry, walking away with nothing but warm memories of her. You miss her in that “wistfully smile thinking of her” way, not in that “gotta get back with her and tap that one more time” way. Normally, we refer to these girls as “former lovers” (you broke up on good terms) or “past lovers” (she moved to another country), not “exes”. Her inner beauty is the standard by which you measure every woman you date.

  • Indifferent

If she’s in your indifferent category, she should consider herself lucky… you won’t stalk her underneath her bedroom window, masturbating furiously. After a few days have passed post-breakup, you’ll be hard pressed to remember the name of a girl in this category. She was nothing more than a vagina supported by a human organism that you pleasured yourself into.

  • Hated Hos

These exes are the ropey tapeworm-infested turds that issued from Satan’s scalding anus. They represented the worst of the modern American woman. Odds are she was a lawyer or PR rep. Your “relationship” with her felt like war, with troops amassed on the field of hate, locked in eternal struggle, gaining or losing inches of emotional territory, a Battle Royale for “hand”. The upside to inspiring your hate is that you learn a valuable lesson from them… namely, how to spot their kind before they “accidentally” leave their earrings at your place. If you post an internet sex vid of an ex, this is the girl you will gleefully dishonor. Consider it proactive karma.

  • Regretfully remembered

You don’t hate these exes, but you wish you hadn’t got involved with them. A girl in this category has left you with a bad taste in your mouth and a rash on your junk. She’s the one you found out later had been with triple digit sex partners before she met you, and probably a few more while you were dating. You’ve caught her flirting with the guy at your favorite fast food joint who prepares your falafel platter, and you wondered what the hell else they had going on. She’s a psycho, a stalker, a slut, a drama queen, a catty backstabber, and a utensil-throwing, suicide-threatening, hey-check-out-my-big-black-dildo, stick-her-finger-up-your-asshole-during-sex whirlwind of whorishness all wrapped up in one. She was good to you on paper, but you couldn’t compete with her id — all she could do was think with her clit. This is the girl who made a confirmed cynic out of you. She is the most likely candidate to wind up a pathetic cougar.

  • That one sex act

Every guy has flashbacks of intense sexual moments with one or more of their exes. Women remember anniversaries, gifts given and received, the color of your shirt when you first kissed her, but we men mostly remember one thing — that time we had you bent over the back of the sofa with your jeans down around your ankles as we were drilling you from behind and watching the whole thing in a floor length mirror nearby. In fact, a man can measure the strength of his love for an ex and how long it will take him to get over her by the number and clarity of sex acts he remembers. The dirty memory of a truly hot ex will give a guy a boner faster than a mediocre looking girl standing right in front of him.

  • The one who got away

Don’t front, tough guy. Every man has that One Girl (or ten girls) Who Got Away, taunting him from the shadows of his past. If you don’t, you haven’t lived. You’ve learned so much from your experience with this one girl, and you’ve become a better man for it, stronger in spirit and resilient in adversity, but… you still wish it hadn’t fallen apart. She is the force of nature against which all future women will compete… and come up short.

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