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This week’s reader mailbag features guest therapy by Zeets the Throwback Barbarian and Finefantastic. Their qualifications for advising the lovesick and sex starved are supreme overconfidence and a reservoir of wisdom drawn from their disturbing personal histories. By the way, Finefantastic is a cute girl and a talented artist to boot. She freelances on the side so if you want to hire her for a job painting your cat or whatever, email me for information.

Email #1

Me: 24. Her: 30. She comes in around a 7 or 8.

Got her number a sports league social we are both in.

Date 1: drinks at a bar near her place. Goes well.
Date 2: she arrives at my place already intoxicated. We goto a lounge within walking distance of my pad. Several shittests are presented, which I am satisfactorily passing.

Then she drops a bomb I wasn’t expecting… “So what does a young guy like you want with an old ass bitch like me?” I stumbled and had some half-assed beta answer similar to “I like you and wanted to see what you are all about”.

She still spent the night, but was fairly prude.

I quizzed 2 older married male co-workers, one of who I would describe as an alpha. They came up the correct answer being “For sex. I want to fuck you.” being the correct answer.

My thoughts? That can’t be the right answer either. That is just too over the top. Of course that’s the truth, but I can’t imagine any woman continuing to sit there after being told that.

So I come here, hoping maybe even this could be reader mailbag material. What’s the right answer when dating a woman a few years older than you of “What do you want with an old ass bitch like me?”

N.

Zeets:
So we have a woman, only 30 years old, calling herself an “old ass bitch?” This by itself brings up some serious questions. But back to your predicament. When a woman asks a horrid question like that she’s obviously not entirely confident with herself. I don’t answer ridiculous questions, I use a system of touch and eye contact to reassure her and then after a while just bring up a totally different topic, like your time working in Haiti for the peace corps…….all the while you’re still steering her back to your place. And for the love of god, don’t ask for dating advice from married men. Good luck dude!

Finefantastic:
So you need some flash card responses when this inevitably comes up again?

“I don’t know. I’m getting pretty lazy and I thought you might be able to adopt me.”
“I’m in the market for some Bridge tips. My game is weak.”
“There’s this retirement living option in Florida that is really appealing at this point in my life and, what can I say? I need an IN. You play shuffleboard, right?”

Aim for the grandmother analogy as a too close comparison to her age may open a pandora’s box of suckfest. If she’s insecure about her age merely boombast her neuroses with mild humor.

Me:
Your alpha co-worker was right. Cougars preying on younger men aren’t in the mood for polite fictions. No need for romance, sly innuendo, or transparent excuses — just grab the broad, tell her to stop whining, and inform her that her tits would look great in your mouth.

Email #2

Love your blog and glad to see it is getting more and more popular.

I want to pose a question on how to go after girls that are more tom-boyish and athletic. Unfortunately my genes and attraction preferences are not well matched. I prefer very athletic girls who tend to be tall (I’m short) and always date tall, athletic guys they met through the same sports. I’m athletic but uncoordinated, so dominating on the soccer field is not an option. So far my best strategy has been trying to meet these girls by having the same hobbies (outdoorsy stuff mostly) but that doesn’t seem to work terribly well.

I think the issue I’m running into is demonstrating value since they tend to value guys based on physical presence and athletic ability and maybe alpha body language indicators (as far as I can tell). Although I had some beta habits I’ve wiped out the obvious ones and my success rate with girly girls is up but my success with girls that I actually like is unchanged.

I know you favor the girly-girls and softball conjures up images of lesbians for you, so maybe this won’t interest you but I’m curious in general how you alter your game when you know that you are not a girls ‘type’.

Thanks,

A.

Zeets:
Dude, there’s a reason tall, good looking, athletic women are not interested in you and that’s because they want to have tall, good looking, athletic kids. You don’t have those genes. So stop torturing yourself. Of note, you’re not a good athlete if you have no coordination, and here in America “soccer” is for guys that couldn’t excel at football, baseball, and basketball. My advice……women universally are most attracted to height, so if I was you I would go for athletic women of short stature, like a gymnast! Now does that sound so bad? I’m a tall guy and I would love one of those compact, little brick shit-houses myself : )

And one last point dude: the women you describe are attracted to athletes, not guys that play in goofy co-ed sports like kickball. You are not demonstrating any value by playing sports with women. I know I sound old school, but real men like myself play sports for one main reason….TO COMPETE. I want to challenge myself against other men and WIN. Sure, some camaraderie is nice, but that’s not what playing ball is about.

Finefantastic:
Type is overrated. If you suck at softball you will just be laughed at as you are shuttled to the hospital after multiple line drives to the face.  The good thing, in your case, is that most athletes are incredibly boring people. They train all day and eat clean and offer nothing in the way of conversation save for a few opinions about carb loading. Witticisms and sly retorts will fire their loins for the sole reason that it is so foreign to them, like eating Ethiopian food or genocide. A little self-deprecation and a dash of performance art and read a book or something. Next!

Me:
You don’t need to compete with a woman on her playing field in order to demonstrate value. If you date a WNBA playerette you’re only going to hurt your cause if you try to beat her at a game of HORSE. I once dated a tomboy — she was a collegiately ranked soccer player — and I had no trouble maintaining my alpha aura with her despite not once kicking a soccer ball in her presence. She used to run 5 miles every morning, and I ran… to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. Dude, fact is, most tomboys are intrigued by guys who bring something novel to the table, like artistic talent or a double-headed dong. You can be totally anti-sports and as long as you give off a devil-may-care confident vibe she won’t give a shit that you aren’t an athlete like her. Do your endzone dance in the bed.

Email #3

Thought I’d give you a shout for the mailbag. It’s something that’s been getting to me and it’s hard to bring this up with other blokes.

It’s this : if I don’t know a girl very well and we start getting hot – say, within the first 5 meetings – I can’t get hard.

We were kissing, groping, doing our thing and I was trying my best to get hard but I just couldn’t.

Have never had these problems with girls I have known or dated for a long time.

It came to a head on Saturday night with a naked woman on top of me, and my excuse was “holy shit I forgot to buy condoms” which worked a treat but the fact is, I wanted to fuck this woman and fuck her good, not make excuses.

She’s been peppering me with messages the past couple of days as she obviously wants to fuck – who could blame her – but my confidence in my own dick is holding me back. Is this just me? Or does this happen to the best?

I’m 22, by the way.

M.

Zeets:
You’ve come to the right place, M, as we here have also been 22…..once. I will list my advice by number, in order of importance:

1. Its Mental. You’re 22 and presumably healthy and probably don’t know what you’re doing. Clear your head, and forget your last “at bat.” It’s history. Its very important to not go into a negative tailspin. Being with a new girl is exciting, and can be a bit nervewracking, but you have to learn to relax and not be tense. Remember what it was like with your old girlfriend, sort of automatic right? Because your mind was totally clear of any bullshit. Lose yourself in the moment.

2. Be spontaneous. Try sparking it up during the daytime, somewhere other than the bedroom at 3:00 AM when your body and mind are tired.

3. Try having a few drinks to calm the ol’ nerves. Not too much though, you dumb Irishman!

4. Hey just think of what my old buddy used to say “If my dick was bigger and I didn’t cum so fast, I’d be a pornstar!”

Finefantastic:
It seems like it’s a you vs. dick scenario, try to develop a more amicable exchange. Think of your flaccid dick as Cringer, who becomes the fearless Battle Cat when summoned by the power of Grayskull.  To borrow from Wikipedia, Cringer “becomes Battle Cat, he grows to about twice his size, and is outfitted in red armor that covers his head, and back, with a saddle mounted on it for riding. As Battle Cat, he is fearless, and powerful. His voice changes significantly, and he talks with a growl, as opposed to his whimpering voice that is heard when he is Cringer. Cringer generally dislikes becoming Battle Cat, but he goes along with it anyway”. Stop thinking so much. Maybe focus less on your dick and go down on her for a while and things may arise naturally. That’s it, I got nothing else.

Me:
I’ve never had your problem when I was sober and the girl was attractive. The closest I’ve come to experiencing performance issues, and I don’t blame myself for that because she was a 5 in addition to smelling like shit pebbles. Jesus, dude, at 22 it was all I could do not to spring wood at the slightest provocation. Were you drunk on your first night with her? Don’t underestimate the deleterious effect of alcohol on your plumbing, especially the effects of hard shit like tequila. Was she unattractive and you just can’t bring yourself to admit it? A lot of guys get so horny that they think just seeing a labia no matter what woman it’s attached to will be enough to turn them on, but the truth is that an unattractive face will totally negate an attractive vulva.

However, I will sympathize that sometimes sex can go poorly with a new girl. In general I’ve found that the sex really starts to rock around the two month mark, when you’ve both become accustomed to each other’s bodies and favorite positions and she trusts you enough to acquiesce to your deviant perverted fantasies. Right now you’re in a bad headspace, worrying about your dick before clothes are even off. You’re psyching yourself out and giving yourself the Chuck Knoblauch yips. Our dicks may have a mind of their own, but they ultimately answer to the big brain upstairs, so a strong pulse of negative thinking can shut down your boner fast. The only way to end this negative feedback loop is to get out of your head, and the way to do that is simple: NOVELTY. Take a hike with her in the woods, get lost on purpose, and then slam her against a tree, pull down her shorts, and start sucking her clit. Don’t fuck her yet. Tell her to go down on you and then admire her head bobbing forward and backward as she sucks you off. Man, if that doesn’t work you may need to fuck her with my dick. It’s not right to leave a woman unsatisfied that long.

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