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There are essentially two types of breakups initiated by the girl that the average guy will encounter. Knowing which one you are dealing with is very important as that knowledge will enable you to manage the fallout to your benefit. (Where said benefit is defined as keeping the sex going.)

Breakup Scenario #1:

She’s lost attraction for you. Forget about the reasons why. They don’t matter at this point, and arguing with her about those reasons will only dig your hole deeper. Once a girl’s heart has gone carbonite cold you’re left with one option for releasing it from hibernation. This is your moment in the spotlight to call upon the twin gods of Aloofness and Indifference. No two deities have ever done more for a man’s self-respect and sexual allure. She wants to have “a talk”? Let her. While she’s talking, pick at your toenails. Take a piss. Ask her what she thinks of your new sneakers. Casually interrupt her breakup monologue, saying “Before you continue, did you catch that debate last night? This election is gonna be a squeaker.” When she finally lowers the boom, look bemused and announce “OK, well, take care then.” Make sure to pat her on the knee as you say this. She’ll look at you confused and ask if you have anything to say. Tell her “Nope, you’ve pretty much covered it all.” This will really fuck up her final act script. She wants confirmation that she’s going out on top and denying her that will ensure those old feelings flood her loins again. One week later expect a surprise call from her. Tip: It helps to rub one out just prior to a breakup talk. The calm state afterwards will give your aloofness the feel of authenticity.

Breakup Scenario #2:

She hasn’t lost attraction for you. She’s calling it quits because the passion started to fade and she was feeling unsure about your commitment to her. Again, the reasons don’t necessarily matter, and even if they did it’s pointless to ask a girl why she wants to break up. The female brain is incapable of straightforwardly answering that question. If she tried, she would sputter and pop gears like a robot computing a logical paradox. However, in this scenario your best response is NOT aloofness. Since she still harbors feelings for you what you need to do is amp the drama. Give free rein to your raging, untamed masculine essence. Pound the wall. Yell and swear with abandon. Chew her out. Grab her squarely by the shoulders and hold eye contact for a minute, lowering your voice to say “I’m not letting you go this easily. If you don’t love me then say it now. Say it! I dare you! … That’s what I thought.”, then passionately kiss her. If necessary, recreate a famous dramatic scene from a movie that girls love. If she calls you out on it and says “Hey, isn’t that from Casablanca?”, tell her to “Shut up and kiss me.”

Of course, knowing ahead of time which type of breakup she plans for you is more of an art than a science. If she says she has bad news with tears in her eyes and she’s jabbing a finger in your chest to punctuate her laundry list of grievances, assume you are dealing with breakup scenario #2. If she tries to break up over the phone or text, it’s guaranteed to be breakup scenario #1. If she breaks up with you face to face wearing old sweatpants, three layers of thick cable knit sweaters, and a scarf indoors while sitting as far away on the opposite side of the couch as possible, you are definitely the victim of breakup scenario #1. Try to french kiss her just for the funny reaction you’ll get. (I’ve done this.)

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