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Mount Vernon

Although George Washington’s mansion is probably smaller than half the homes in Potomac, there is plenty of history to impress the casual visitor.  Everything is maintained as it was back when George was throwing house parties for French snobs and Late Night Shots ancestors. 

Off to the side of the mansion were buildings housing various estate personnel.  The slave quarters were bigger than my friend’s one bedroom apartment in New York.  Employees dressed in historic garb assisted tourists with their questions.  I’m pretty sure heavy wool coats were not worn by Washington’s servants in the middle of summer, but I suppose the idea was to imbue us with a sense of how tough life was in the 18th century.  I sweated just looking at those poor bastards.

Back then, they called outhouses “the Necessary”.  Makes sense.  I will start calling my masturbation chair the Necessary.

Washington’s shitter:

the Founding Dump

Walking beside me during the tour of the main house was a teenager who looked like he suffered from a debilitating case of big nerdism.  Like Pigpen with his cloud of dust, this kid moved in a miasma of his own putrid B.O. and stank up every room in George’s stately home.  Combined with the 95 degree heat and the 300% humidity I was sure he was in violation of some air quality code.  His mom was with him.  Hey, Mom, tell your kid it’s not uncool to take showers at his age.

There are two excellent seduction spots at Mount Vernon.  One is on the grassy field between the main porch and the Potomac River.  If you hop down the hill (gaily, for effect) the land will slope until you and the tourists at the mansion lose sight of each other.  Grope her.  The knowledge that families with children need merely crane their necks to witness you defaming the sacred grounds of our first president with heavy tongue action will heighten the arousal.

don’t cum till you see the whites of her eyes.

The other seduction spot is at the Necessary.  If you can get a girl to make out with you next to a 230-year-old toilet that is swirling with the ghosts of past constipations you can do with her what you please.

George Washington was our great nation’s first super alpha.  He was there when the first shots of the French and Indian War were fired, leading to the worldwide Seven Years’ War.  In many battles with the British, his forces were badly outnumbered.  Defeat never caused him to waver in his leadership.  His alpha nature was evident in everything he did.  Next to the horse stables at Mount Vernon there is a quote that, paraphrased, reads:  George always chose the biggest horse and jumped the highest hurdles and rode the fastest of any rider.

He was such a rock star that the country begged him to stay on as president when his terms were up.  America was his groupie.  The people and their representatives were ready to crown him King.  Try to imagine that concentration of power.  This will give some perspective when you contemplate what Washington did next.  He willingly abdicated his power in service to his principles.  The nation may not be what it is today were it not for that noble act of betaness.

Even his personal life was a testament to his unique character.  He could have had a harem of beautiful teenage colonists and a mistress quarters built on the grounds overlooking the river.  Instead, he chose to marry a widow his age who had children from a previous marriage.  It doesn’t get much more beta than that.*

I think a lot of Americans have trouble relating to Washington today because he was such a great and honorable man of unassailable character.**  They want their leaders flawed in some way so that they can personally identify with them.  Hence, W and Bubba.  I don’t.  I want the most principled self-sacrificers serving my country, not a guy who shares my hedonistic outlook on life.

*Note to those who think this means alpha males who have trouble getting women are still alpha — Washington COULD HAVE gotten women if he wanted.  It’s potential energy as well as kinetic energy that defines the true alpha male.

**Yes, slavery.  He turned against it.  It was an unquestioned feature of life back then, kind of like outhouses.

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